It’s raining today. A cold, dreary, wonderful rain. There’s so much peace and hope in it. In the rain, I feel a stronger connection to God, and a stronger strength within myself.
Something amazing happened yesterday. Well, multiple things that all turned into one major realization for me. (Well, three.)
First, a lot of my beliefs don’t line up with any one specific extreme, and I do not want them to. I take a more balanced approach, seeing the line as somewhere in between, and sometimes as one that we can’t know, so there’s no use arguing over it.
However, I suppose I do still have a bit of a small minded mentality in that I wish others would be a little more open minded instead of adopting an extreme view… Which I suppose is me doing the same exact thing they’re doing. Which doesn’t sit well with me. I need to work on that.
Second, I still have the ability to feel. I can feel others emotions so strongly that it absolutely breaks my heart. I literally feel what they feel and that ability can be absolutely overwhelming. I wouldn’t give it up though. Even though it can cause so much pain, it also allows me the opportunity to reach someone where they’re really at. That is a gift, one I intend to use to its full potential, even if it hurts me in the process.
It was so encouraging to me to know that I still have that ability, that I’m not completely hardened. Some things have happened in life that have made me close off to the outside and become fairly apathetic. It’s good to know that with some space and distance, I have the ability to heal.
Third, I tend to be a people-pleaser. Not in the sense that I do everything that’s demanded of me, but in the sense that I so desperately long for other people’s approval, that I will often give up on gifts I have or pretend like they don’t exist just so that I will be accepted. I try too hard to earn their approval, and will often allow that fear to control me and dictate my decisions, instead of following what I knew to be true to my internal self and who God made me to be.
I’ve realized that my need to please others isn’t the sort of self-sacrifice that could be considered good. It’s harmful, damaging. It’s the sort of thing that is, in all reality, a sin.
I have a hard time saying that, because it seems so self-absorbed. But if we are the temple of the Holy Spirit, then doing anything to defile that temple, would have to be wrong. Our minds are part of that body. And our actions do have an impact on others, whether those we’re trying to please, or the others around us.
People pleasing can be one of the most harmful things, it is done out of fear. With the intent to get someone who doesn’t accept us, to accept us. Most of the time, it will never happen. And who wants friends or people like that anyway? People who we could never be real or honest with? I know I certainly don’t. But I’ve played the game anyway, thinking I need to change in order to be loved. I don’t want to do that any more. I want to embrace everything that God has made me to be. Quirky or not. Besides, I like weird.
Sometimes, we put others above God, or judge God based on the actions of others, perhaps even our own. That is so sad to me. I’ve been guilty of it, but I’m trying to overcome it.
So that’s where I’m at right now. I look outside and see the rain dripping so calmly off the roof, and I can’t help but feel happy and hopeful at the future that is to come.