My heart has been heavy today. I’ve wondered what was wrong, but couldn’t place a single thing. (Okay, maybe I could name a couple, but nothing to justify the sadness I’ve felt.)
Actually, if I’m being completely open, I’ve felt weird for a few days now. That something was off, or something wasn’t right. I couldn’t pinpoint what, and maybe this isn’t even all of it yet.
The first night, my husband’s sister was in the hospital severely ill. The next night, there ended up being a major breakthrough in some serious issues between me and my husband, because of said sister.
Then earlier today there was another moment, realizing that things I’ve said in the past have become clear to those around me, to people who had been running and hiding from it for years. Now it sees the light.
There’s such an empty peace that accompanies it all. The only word I could use to accurately describe it is sadness.
It is not an emotion that I feel purely very often. It is usually accompanied by something else, something greater that overshadows it, but not this time.
This time, I feel it on its own. I wonder what else is to come, and it scares me. I don’t feel like I’m ready, but it’s like this book is coming to an end. Not my life, just this place in it. Someone else’s book, and I’m one of the side characters. An observer. No one of any importance, although I will be the one to stand, and to walk off the end of the page.
Watching everything burn and blow away. It’s humbling. God really does watch over me. I stand staring at the wreckage with a strange sense of purpose and of hope. Peace.
Maybe there’s some hidden connection in my brain, maybe it’s something that’s always been. But it doesn’t matter now.
All that’s happened has brought me to where I am. It’s changed me. I’ve learned, I’ve fallen, I’ve failed, I’ve risen, I’ve been restored, I’ve healed.
God watches over me. To Him be the victory. To Him be the power and glory. To Him and Him alone. He is God. He goes before me. He anoints my head with oil in the presence of my enemies.
He is justice, and truth, and life. He sets the captives free. And He exacts vengeance. It is not in my power, not in my control. I’m beginning to learn to trust Him. I’ve needed to all along.