It’s so interesting how different events work together to push us toward something that we’ve perhaps been running from.
Several things have happened today that have made me really realize that I need to finish writing a book I’ve been working on. There’s something to it, something relatable about it.
I don’t entirely know what it is, but something about it needs to be spoken.
I’ve been trying to organize myself a bit more lately, getting things in order so that after Christmas I can start to really work on my projects in an effective way.
It’s going to take some time and energy, but I need to place some level of value and importance on it.
I have a tendency to devalue and criticize myself, thinking that I have nothing important to say. This blog is a step in overcoming that.
If I have something in me, then I need to share it.
Anyway, several things have happened today that have directed me toward this story. I let it sit because, well, I guess I’m lazy. That and I don’t entirely want to rush it and make it something it isn’t meant to be.
Maybe underneath it all what it really comes down to is fear. I’m afraid of screwing up. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of being rejected.
If a story matters to me, and comes from within me, it’s a part of me. I guess I’m afraid of being seen, I’m afraid of being known, and I’m afraid that others won’t like what they see.
That’s no way to live.
I don’t want to live my life with a mask on. If I do, well, even if people do love me, they don’t really love me, they love the mask. So what good is that?
I want to be real, genuine, authentic, me. There’s a part of me that thinks that I would be complete if only someone knew. Yet I’m afraid. Always afraid. That fear separates me from others, it separates me from God, and it even separates me from myself.
I consciously know all this, but getting something from your head to your heart is something that I don’t quite know how to do. I can’t do it on my own. It is only through the grace and mercy of God.
Only in Him will I stand. Only in Him will I overcome, because He’s already overcome.
I’ll step forward, asking that God will direct my steps. I’ll still take those steps, wanting Him to lead me, knowing that I have a part to play.
I’ve been questioning myself, not even having enough faith that I can take the steps. I mean this more metaphorically than literally.
Maybe with enough time I’ll learn to take down the walls and the barriers, maybe I’ll learn to accept and love myself. Maybe then others will too. But in the end, does it really matter if others accept me? It doesn’t really as long as I know that I’ve lived my life to my full potential, being everything that God intended for me to be.