It’s amazing how one little thing can set the tone for, or derail, the entire day. I’m fighting it, but it isn’t easy.
There’s a situation that’s been going on over the past… while, now. Almost every time this situation comes up, I have panic attacks. Like, full blown, all out, actual panic attacks. Heart racing, can’t breathe, dizzy, feeling trapped like there’s no way out, full body trembling, crying without controlling it…
With enough effort consciously focusing my mind on something else, sometimes I can control it… So that’s it’s not quite as bad. Still there, just not as bad.
I don’t want to allow the one instance of negativity to influence my whole day. But after that, it’s hard to just move on like nothing’s wrong. I’m usually shaken up for the rest of the day, sometimes a day or two afterwards.
I’m fighting it. I’m tired of the fear controlling my life. I’m trying to pick myself up, dust myself off, and carry on. But it’s not an easy path to walk alone.
I don’t think anyone really understands, they don’t seem to take it seriously, and I suppose I can’t fault them for that. I wouldn’t have thought such a thing was possible before it happened to me. Isn’t that the fault of us all? We have a hard time imagining situations outside of those we’ve endured or seen firsthand.
I have a few treasured friends who know about it and have supported me through (the beginnings of) a healing process. But to everyone else, my life is perfect.
Authenticity is incredibly important to me. I want to be real with you. There’s so much guilt that comes through carrying such a heavy secret. I know it’s what I have to do for now, but I keep hoping and praying that someday I will heal. And someday, I’ll be able to tell the truth.