Introversion is a funny thing. We got to church a bit early this morning, so there weren’t many people there yet. I was more awake and smiley than I usually am out and about after getting up early.
As the building began to fill, my energy level began to deplete. It was the strangest thing. I’ve never really noticed before just how subconscious the energy drain is from being around other people.
I also feel like I haven’t had much to say lately. It seems that the busier my mind is, the fewer words ever make it to a page.
I have so many things to figure out, so many decisions to make. I hate making decisions. They’re so… complex and multi-leveled, or completely inconsequential. Sometimes I’m not sure how to distinguish which one they are.
I feel as though I should be able to make some decisions by listening to my inner voice, but sometimes, even that voice is drowned out and I’m unsure what it’s trying to say.
Maybe I have too much clutter in my life. That can make a huge difference.
As I mentioned about a week ago, I have a recurring issue that I’m really struggling with. Panic attacks almost every time it comes up. I try to pray and trust God with it, but sometimes, it feels too big.
I guess that’s me relying on myself again. I’m still expecting that I’ll be able to defeat it in my own power. But the truth? I can’t.
I’m not big enough, or powerful enough. But my God is. He and He alone can free me from the terrors around me. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. But I still, somewhere inside, have faith that He will free me.
He will protect me. He is my shield.
As a protector (INFJ) the idea of a God who is a shield is such a powerful image. Nothing can compare. He is a shield to all who trust in Him. And you know what? On top of that I get an entire eternity with Him.
Eternity is such a big thing. Putting it in context, nothing really compares to that.
So maybe it doesn’t really matter. But I feel that on some level it does. This fear, this sin, consumes me sometimes. I want to be free from its grip, but I can’t be in this life, it’s a flesh wound.
I do still have a responsibility and desire to fight it though, and I do, but sometimes the feelings get to be too much.
I had been in a tertiary loop for a while. I think that’s what it was anyway.
I suppressed my Fe because I was afraid. I was afraid to reach out to anyone else, afraid to feel, afraid to show kindness because I didn’t want to be a burden… As messed up as that sounds. And it is. I know it is. I didn’t want to deceive and manipulate. I didn’t want to be dishonest.
I was in a situation where… Well, let’s just say that the people I was around used “kindness” as a manipulation tactic, guilting, blaming, demeaning…
I didn’t want to be like them, so I removed anything from myself that reminded me or their behavior at all. Unfortunately, that meant removing functional parts of me because of someone else’s dysfunction.
The fog has begun to clear, but it’s still going to take some time. And I so often still act in fear.
One little thing can throw me back into that cycle. But I’m fighting, and God’s helping me through it. Only His grace can cover it.
He was there with me before, there with me through, there with me now. He never left, no matter how many others did.
I see now that some of it was my own doing. I pushed people away because I didn’t want to cause them pain, I didn’t want to hurt them. In the end it only resulted in me hurting myself.
I am so thankful to have those who have remained with me through it all. I am so thankful for a God who is faithful, even when we are not.
I know I had headed in the wrong direction. I allowed the walls and bitterness and fear to build within me. God reached down into the rubble of the shattered mess I had become, and said, “I’m still here.”
He still loved me even when no one else did. And He always will.