Lately I’ve had some group things that I’ve been going to. It’s been a good experience, but I mostly sit and listen. I’m an observer.
Sometimes I feel that I’m on the outside looking in, sometimes I feel like I can connect things in a way that others aren’t, sometimes I feel like I need to learn, and sometimes I feel like I just don’t have anything useful to say.
There are other reasons, of course, these are just a few, but I’ve noticed that I apologize for my quietness. As though something’s wrong with me and I’m a parasite leeching the life from the others around me.
I know that is not how others view me, it is my own insecurity… But why am I so insecure about being so withdrawn?
I think it’s these secrets I keep bottled up inside. Yes, some of it could just be the world and its extrovert ideal, but there’s more to it than just that.
It’s like the Superchick song “Stand In The Rain.” It says, “she fears if she cries that first tear the tears will not stop raining down.”
That is me.
I have this weight pushing on the dam, if even a little bit leaks through, the whole thing will crack and I’ll fall apart.
So I apologize, because I know that I’m not giving it my all. I’m not even always paying as much attention as I should be, and I suppose I feel guilty for that too.
There are so many things I fear they just couldn’t understand. Everyone seems to have their lives packaged up in this tidy little bundle. Sure, maybe there are some bumps along the road, but none as deep as the secrets I hold.
Is that an unfair judgment? Probably.
It’s not that I don’t trust them, it’s not that they’re not understanding… It’s just that I… I guess I feel that there isn’t time for me to use the group as my own therapy session. So I hold it in.
Besides, what good would it do for me to let it out? It’s such a tangled mess of who knows what, so what’s the point? Better to learn from them, and to say the little bits that feel relevant.
But that doesn’t change the fact that all this pressure is building up inside me. The water is pushing at the edge of the dam, and someday, it’s going to crack, and everything in me will come pouring out.
So stand in the rain.