My Whirlwind Of Self-Defeating Thoughts

I don’t need thousands of people to read my words, all I want to do is touch even one person’s life in a significant way.

I’m done comparing myself to everyone else. I just spent the evening reading the blog of an acquaintance. She has a few thousand followers on facebook, I don’t even have a facebook page. I don’t really see the point in that. Not for me. Not for this blog. And that’s okay.

I write because it gives me joy. I write because I sometimes need to get things off my chest, or I have thoughts I want to share. Maybe I’ve been caught up in the idea of so many people wanting to read my words.

I really, truly and genuinely appreciate every single one of you who has read my blog, liked and commented. Don’t get me wrong, you guys are amazing and it’s very encouraging to hear your thoughts and kind words. However, I don’t want to blog just for approval and reassurance.

I don’t want to beat myself up because my blog isn’t as professional as so-and-so’s. I’m not that person, and this isn’t their blog. It’s me. I don’t need to get some random predetermined number of likes in order to be of value, I just need to be me. Maybe I’ve been too caught up in the ideals of blogging.

And this all sounds silly because I don’t feel as though I’ve carried that into this blog. I’ve had others in the past, and I’ve given up on every single one of them. Maybe that’s why. I couldn’t stick with it because I wasn’t being true to who I am. Instead I was trying to fit into someone else’s mold.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on this matter for quite some time now. I’ve been walking in other people’s shadows because it’s easy, or because I idealize them and devalue myself. But that’s really such a silly thing to do.

I guess I don’t fully know what I’m saying here, I’m really tired and I have a lot of thoughts. I guess, for once, I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I’m so worn down from trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. All it does is tear me down from the inside out.

I don’t need popularity, I guess I’m just looking for love. Not from others as it may seem, but I desperately long to forgive myself.

I guess I feel like the girl in The Last Sin Eater (excellent movie, by the way). If you haven’t seen it, I don’t want to spoil it.

Love and forgiveness. Maybe in some way they’re really the same thing. I don’t know. What I do know is that I need to learn to accept myself. If I don’t, it doesn’t matter how many others do, I’d still be unhappy.

Sometimes, after we’ve been wounded, the wrapping comes off and we still see a bloodied scab. We wish that it was healed already, isn’t that what the bandaging was supposed to do? To heal?

Wounds are still fresh, though not quite bleeding, not unless they’re torn open again. And that is where I am. Staring at the blood, frightened by the sight, feeling as though I should have moved past it by now.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words leave psychological wounds that may never heal.”

Thank you all for bearing with me. It means so much to me.

Image Found On Facebook
Image Found On Facebook

Learning to forgive is different than forgetting. There are times where trust ought not to be granted. I want to be able to trust people, it’s harder for me now. Now that I have a (slightly) clearer view, I’m learning that I should have trusted my intuition all along. I’m learning to trust it again.

Even in those times, I need to trust in God. When I am weak, He is strong. Maybe that’s what trust means for me tonight.

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Thankful

Warm apple cinnamon pancakes, the crisp morning air. I know it’s spring, but it feels like a wonderful autumn day. The sun shines to bright and the sky is so clear. I’m truly thankful to be alive, and to experience this.

Sometimes the clouds get us down, sometimes life rolls in and we forget why we breathe, then there are days like this, that renew our hope and our strength.

What are you thankful for today?

Creativity And Computers

I think computers stifle our creativity. Maybe that’s a bold statement to make. Yes, computers are often a very valuable tool in allowing that creativity to fully flourish, but they often get in the way of the initial creation.

I’ve had the opportunity to get outside a lot more recently. Of course, that has something to do with the much nicer weather, that in itself can be inspiring.

I’m not anti-computer. Not by a long shot. What I do would not be made possible without them. I need my computer. But sometimes I think I allow it to distract me from exploring my own inner world.

If I don’t know me, then who will? They can’t unless I’m able to embrace the full potential of who I am.

I had slipped into a place of emptiness. It was a deep, dark hole that I didn’t fully know my way out of. I still feel lost without direction a lot of the time, but I think this new realization may be able to help with that.

We need to see the beauty in the world around us, we need to open our eyes and see clearly the person within us, only then will we be able to create freely.

I’ve used my computer as a shield, as a way of protecting myself from having to explore the inner depths of my mind. I guess, in some ways, I’m afraid to know what’s there. But I’m beginning to come around again and I long for the truth, even if it is ugly, even if I’m not who I want to be.

If I know who I am in this moment, even if I don’t like it, then I can change those things to be the person I know I’m intended to be. It may take some time, these things always do. But I want to seek the truth.

Always truth, even when it’s not what I would like to hear.

Go To God

Image Credit Toby Mac
Image Credit Toby Mac

So often we wait until we’re already at the end of our rope before we decide to get down on our knees and pray. We treat God like a last resort, when really He should be our first.

I know I’m guilty of it far too often, I need to change that. There’s a lot I need to change. I want God to lead my life instead of treating Him like my very last option.

It’s In The Rain

I’m finding myself at a loss for words. Words… Can’t always speak. Words don’t always say what we want them to say. In those moments I find myself filled with a lot of frustration. Sadly, that frustration often boils over into tears.

The past several days I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Ally’s post on being an HSP. The more aware I’ve been of my behavior and emotions, the more HSP tendencies I’ve noticed.

I’ve recently had some tests done. Through the process of it all I’ve been extremely emotional without any words to describe what’s going on. All of my emotions, whether good or bad, all seem to result in the same thing: crying. And I couldn’t speak even if I had the words.

For the time being there is a waiting period. It’s like it’s finally leveled off. But I don’t know what’s coming next. I’m standing on the ledge, looking into the storm. That moment can be an incredible, overpowering, amazing moment.

Sometimes the storm overwhelms us with healing rain. There’s a hope, and we know we’ll make it through.

I reach my arms out and look to the darkened clouds, and I wait. I let it wash over me. To heal and to cleanse me.

These moments are the ones we wish we could freeze in time. Forever safe. Uncertain.

Life is always uncertain, we don’t know what a day can bring. Even still, I am overwhelmed. Calmed from where I was, resting in His grace, and peace, and truth. Surrounded by His love.

Image Credit Proverbs 31 Ministries
Image Credit Proverbs 31 Ministries

Easter

Ah, what a lovely day. It was a bit different than my Easters usually are, but there has been such a whirlwind of thoughts and realizations. So many conflicting feelings and emotions rise within me, and yet, there’s a sense of peace, of hope.

We have the chance at a brighter day, because He is the brightest light that ever came. I am so thankful for that. It is a gift I truly do not deserve.

I hope you all have had a wonderful day!