One Sided Me

Image Credit INFJoe
Image Credit INFJoe

I need to get used to people only seeing one side of me. I have many sides, but I typically only show one of them to others at a time.

Once my group identity is established, I tend to stick to it and keep the other aspects of my personality and who I am hidden.

This probably makes me seem pretty boring to most people. But hey, what else am I to do?

It’s not always a purposeful action. I guess sometimes it’s just easier that way. I want to be known, but I’m afraid to be seen. So I keep my distance and only show one side of myself. I suppose I figure it would make things too complicated to be fully me.

There are times when it really bothers me that I don’t have any place to be whole. I’m just a bunch of scattered pieces. If you ask one person who or what I am, they’d give an entirely different answer than another person. Though, I suppose my image is constant and consistent in a given group.

I have a few special and sacred relationships in which I am more fully me. I value those friendships more than anything. It’s so rare to let anyone see in, I guess I really value those who do.

I want to be complete, but I don’t really know how. I’m not trying to be dishonest or deceptive, but sometimes I feel like I am. Then I feel horrible about myself for being that way. Sometimes I’m just looking for a place to belong.

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When I Want To Belong

hiker-forest-girl

What I want most is one place where I can unify everything that I am, and be as open or as closed off as I like… Preferably a safe place where I can share my heart, my joys, my pains, my life… I don’t really have that anywhere.

I’m searching, but I’m not always finding. There are places that come close, but nothing is complete. I find this deep longing for something more. Something that reaches in and satisfies this part of me.

Several weeks ago I went through my Facebook page and realized that I miss what I had there. I did share a lot about myself, things I found funny, or interesting, thoughts and lyrics, photos and even little bits of writings. It’s not a safe place anymore.

I have people on my friends list (who I have to keep there) that I’m not comfortable sharing my life or thoughts, or myself with. There are people who judge me and condemn me. There are people who act like I’m a joke.

It hurts to see a community I once had completely fall apart. I think what INFJ’s want most in this world is to be understood and to belong. Not everywhere, not all the time, but we want a place to call our own. I used to have that. Now I don’t.

This blog is such an important outlet for me. I’ve found such a warm and welcoming community, and I’m attempting to build a community in my life again. But I’m also a little uncertain how to do that. I’ve learned to close off (and I’ve always been a private person) because it was my only way to survive.

Facebook used to¬† be my platform. I don’t think I was one of those people spamming everyone else constantly, but I was more open and I did share bits of my life in a way I simply couldn’t now.

It seems the older I get, the more immature I feel. I feel like I’m sliding backwards, slipping into the black oblivion. Certain events really shook me up, and I’ve weathered a great storm that isn’t fully over yet. I keep waiting, and hoping, and praying, but deep down inside, I want connections. I want a place to call my home.

Autumn Change

As the air cools down and leaves begin to turn, that wonderful autumn smell wafting through the seemingly ever blowing breeze, that fall feeling is so strong and powerful. There’s such a peace as autumn wraps its fingers around me.

Image Credit
Image Credit

Just like the turning leaves, I’m at a transition stage in my life. Many things are changing, but it’s beautiful just the same. I’m not really sure who I am right now. I suppose that’s common for an INFJ. But several things have happened recently that have really made me think deeply about my identity and how I show myself to the world.

I have many different parts of me, some I keep hidden, others are out in the open. I don’t know how to merge everything together, and I don’t know that I should. It seems I don’t really have a place I belong, and yet I do. It’s strange. It’s scary. It’s comforting.

I still have a lot to process and work through, but I’m finally beginning to sort things out enough to put it into words, and that is an incredible (and fairly rare) feeling.

The Little Bits

Foggy_Trees

There was a beautiful fog over the trees this morning. It made me feel like I was stepping into a story world where anything could happen. It was magical and calming.

I love random bits of inspiration we find in daily life. I just may need to sit down and take some time to write.

I’m also realizing I’ve been talking about weather a lot lately… Se overload, perhaps?

Autumn Begins

Oh what a lovely time of year! I sit here with the windows open, the fresh breeze blowing in and I can feel the change of seasons in the air. It truly is a beautiful time.

I’m wrapped in peace and comfort, not only in the comfy sweatshirt I wear for warmth, but something about the crisp air envelops me in its embrace, reassuring me that everything is going to turn out fine.

If I’m patient. If I’m willing to wait. And for this time, in this moment, I am.

That Rainy Cozy Feel

There’s nothing like getting drenched in the rain and coming in to comfy sweaters, blankets, and warm tea or hot chocolate. The rain brings such peace and healing. It’s like everything is okay, and it’s going to be. There’s hope in the rain. Then comes the point when I’m like a drowned rat and there’s no point in even trying to stay dry. It’s so freeing. Liberating.

Rain

We never quite appreciate dry clothes as much as we do when we haven’t had them. That’s true of almost anything, I suppose. Snugly sweaters, the dim yellow light, a warm mug of a favorite drink. That cozy feeling of safety (it’s almost dreamlike), letting go and being present. I don’t often take the time for that anymore, but I need to. I desperately need to. It’s refreshing for my mind, body, and soul. The rain was a reminder of that. To slow down and appreciate the simple things in life that are so easy to overlook.