What I want most is one place where I can unify everything that I am, and be as open or as closed off as I like… Preferably a safe place where I can share my heart, my joys, my pains, my life… I don’t really have that anywhere.
I’m searching, but I’m not always finding. There are places that come close, but nothing is complete. I find this deep longing for something more. Something that reaches in and satisfies this part of me.
Several weeks ago I went through my Facebook page and realized that I miss what I had there. I did share a lot about myself, things I found funny, or interesting, thoughts and lyrics, photos and even little bits of writings. It’s not a safe place anymore.
I have people on my friends list (who I have to keep there) that I’m not comfortable sharing my life or thoughts, or myself with. There are people who judge me and condemn me. There are people who act like I’m a joke.
It hurts to see a community I once had completely fall apart. I think what INFJ’s want most in this world is to be understood and to belong. Not everywhere, not all the time, but we want a place to call our own. I used to have that. Now I don’t.
This blog is such an important outlet for me. I’ve found such a warm and welcoming community, and I’m attempting to build a community in my life again. But I’m also a little uncertain how to do that. I’ve learned to close off (and I’ve always been a private person) because it was my only way to survive.
Facebook used to be my platform. I don’t think I was one of those people spamming everyone else constantly, but I was more open and I did share bits of my life in a way I simply couldn’t now.
It seems the older I get, the more immature I feel. I feel like I’m sliding backwards, slipping into the black oblivion. Certain events really shook me up, and I’ve weathered a great storm that isn’t fully over yet. I keep waiting, and hoping, and praying, but deep down inside, I want connections. I want a place to call my home.