I find myself doing a lot less reflecting than I usually do, especially around this time of year. I feel somehow paralyzed, in stasis, as though I’m not supposed to be here.
I’m torn between the past and the future, not really holding on to one or the other, yet not willing to let go either. I’m afraid to face them. If I face them, I can overcome them, but I’m afraid to turn in either direction for fear of being defeated by the other.
No earthly enemy is so great as our own mind. We often defeat ourselves without an enemy even needing the chance. If they can get in, if they can convince us that we are the problem, then they’ve already won.
I guess a lot of this comes from my diagnosis of PTSD. I have to face the past in order to move into the future; and yet, I know the cause and its triggers are still present in my life. I can’t see beyond into a future where it no longer exists. If there’s no future where it no longer exists, then what is there that’s worth fighting for?
That is why I’m paralyzed. I’m afraid to move because if I face the past it seems bigger than it was before. It seems somehow worse. More despicable. All-consuming.
I’m trapped in this moment. I will forever be in this moment, for that is all we ever have. It’s like a glass bubble that shields and protects me. And for this moment, I am safe. That’s all I can think about. In this moment, I am safe.
Thank you, J. (Salvageable), for your nomination. It means a lot that you would think of me for this award and I’m so sorry that I’ve kept you waiting this long.
This award is created to “celebrate the creative bloggers who have truly inspired others through their beautiful and original content, imagery, art, abilities, and wonderful personalities.” Thank you for thinking of me and my blog for this award.
The rules are as follows: The recipient (if he, she, or they choose to accept) should thank the nominator, answer three questions from the nominator, and then nominate six more blogs for the award.
If any would like to accept this award the questions I’m asking are:
It’s been a long day. Now it’s time to snuggle up on the couch with a blanket, a warm cup of tea, and possibly a couple cookies. I love these little, simple moments in life.
I hope you all have a wonderful, relaxing evening. Sweet dreams.
It has taken me entirely too long to post this. Back in August Ally nominated me for the Blogger Recognition Award. I want to give a huge thank you to Ally (not only for the nomination, but also for your patience). She is a great blogger and all around wonderful person. Be sure to check out her blog!
Post an image of the award
Thank your nominator
Nominate 15 blogs (I’m going with 9)
Comment on the blogs so they know of their nomination
Write a brief description about your blog
Write 1-2 pieces of advice for a new blogger
Provide a link to the original BRA post
A brief description of my blog:
An INFJ travels through life in the context of her mind collecting beautiful tidbits and rambling about it along the way.
Advice for new bloggers:
My Nominations in no particular order. 🙂
I’ve recently been diagnosed with PTSD. There. I said it. A bit blunt, perhaps, but I said it nonetheless. What I have is probably more in line with C-PTSD than the more traditional PTSD, and I guess that comes along with a different approach and slightly different symptoms, but it’s still PTSD.
I guess I kind of knew it all along, but I thought that I was just imagining things or exaggerating what I was feeling/going through in order to make it seem significant.
Inside I’m a tangled mess of thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to turn this blog into a negative place, I want to keep it warm and positive. But life isn’t always that bright. I’ve gone through some dark times, and I’m experienced some amazing moments of light and truth, and love.
I will recover from this. I just have so much confusion and uncertainty right now. There are ways in which I’m so insecure that I want to cover it up and hide in shame, but I can’t do that. Darkness can’t survive when we bring it to light.
There are ways in which I’m relieved that my perception was always real, other ways in which the idea that it could have been real absolutely devastates me.
I’m not sure where exactly the path to healing will lead me. I don’t know what the next few weeks, months, or years will look like. I don’t know what even the next few days will be like. The future is not guaranteed, all I have is this moment, and I need to do what’s right in it.
I have answers now and in some small way that allows me to hand it over to God. That conflict has been resolved, the truth has been found. But there’s new confusion, new struggles.
I fear the pain I’m going to have to walk through to overcome this. I fear the consequences it will have on my writing, my relationships, this blog. There’s a lot of fear, but what I really need right now is faith. The opposite of faith is not doubt, it’s fear. I’ve been so seeped and saturated in the fear for so long. It’s going to take a lot to work through that and overcome it. But I know that with God’s help, I can, and I will.
The words of a dear, recently passed, friend echo through my mind, as she leaned in to hug me and whispered the exact words I needed to hear. “He that is in you is greater than he that is in the world.”