Safe

I find myself doing a lot less reflecting than I usually do, especially around this time of year. I feel somehow paralyzed, in stasis, as though I’m not supposed to be here.

I’m torn between the past and the future, not really holding on to one or the other, yet not willing to let go either. I’m afraid to face them. If I face them, I can overcome them, but I’m afraid to turn in either direction for fear of being defeated by the other.

No earthly enemy is so great as our own mind. We often defeat ourselves without an enemy even needing the chance. If they can get in, if they can convince us that we are the problem, then they’ve already won.

I guess a lot of this comes from my diagnosis of PTSD. I have to face the past in order to move into the future; and yet, I know the cause and its triggers are still present in my life. I can’t see beyond into a future where it no longer exists. If there’s no future where it no longer exists, then what is there that’s worth fighting for?

That is why I’m paralyzed. I’m afraid to move because if I face the past it seems bigger than it was before. It seems somehow worse. More despicable. All-consuming.

I’m trapped in this moment. I will forever be in this moment, for that is all we ever have. It’s like a glass bubble that shields and protects me. And for this moment, I am safe. That’s all I can think about. In this moment, I am safe.

Starlight Blogger Award

Thank you, J. (Salvageable), for your nomination. It means a lot that you would think of me for this award and I’m so sorry that I’ve kept you waiting this long.

This Award is created to highlight and promote Inspiring Bloggers.
This Award is created to highlight and promote Inspiring Bloggers.

This award is created to “celebrate the creative bloggers who have truly inspired others through their beautiful and original content, imagery, art, abilities, and wonderful personalities.” Thank you for thinking of me and my blog for this award.

The rules are as follows: The recipient (if he, she, or they choose to accept) should thank the nominator, answer three questions from the nominator, and then nominate six more blogs for the award.

Questions:

  1. What is your favorite part of the holiday season? It’s hard for me to choose one favorite part of the holiday season, I love so much about it. The atmosphere, the positive attitudes, watching the world come together for a united purpose and celebration… Though I suppose my favorite part may be the quiet reflection that’s encouraged at the end of the year. With everything aglow around us, we can sit in the silence and focus on what truly matters, who we really are, and our purpose for living. That’s my favorite part, that our eyes are turned from the world and to our Savior and the thoughts of our own souls.
  2. Of all the posts you have written, which one do you consider the best? This is a difficult question for me. I don’t know that it’s the best, but for now I’ll go with One Sided Me. It came at a time when I was just coming to some important realizations about myself and I was met with love, support and understanding.
  3. What is one book you hope to read (or reread) in the next month or two, and why? Dune. Because I’ve been wanting to read it for years now and I keep reading part of it, then putting it down and starting over. This time I want to actually finish it.

If any would like to accept this award the questions I’m asking are:

  1. In what area would you like to see the most personal growth in the coming year?
  2. What’s your favorite piece of art and why?
  3. What do you think is the most compelling aspect of a story? (The world, characters, plot, etc.)

My nominees:

Ally

Kattie Kate

Lauren Zazzara

Marissa

Seven years

VTNessa

 

Blogger Recognition Award

bloggerrecognitionawardIt has taken me entirely too long to post this. Back in August Ally nominated me for the Blogger Recognition Award. I want to give a huge thank you to Ally (not only for the nomination, but also for your patience). She is a great blogger and all around wonderful person. Be sure to check out her blog!

The Rules:

Post an image of the award
Thank your nominator
Nominate 15 blogs (I’m going with 9)
Comment on the blogs so they know of their nomination
Write a brief description about your blog
Write 1-2 pieces of advice for a new blogger
Provide a link to the original BRA post

A brief description of my blog:

An INFJ travels through life in the context of her mind collecting beautiful tidbits and rambling about it along the way.

Advice for new bloggers:

  1. Read Ally’s advice. No. Really! Okay, first tip. Use your own personality. Don’t try to mimic, imitate, or sound like someone else. Be you! The art of being genuine is very important for building connections.
  2. Get involved in the community. Ally already said it, but I believe it’s very important. There are so many awesome bloggers out there, and what makes this community so special is difficult to capture in mere explanation, you have to feel it and experience the connection.

My Nominations in no particular order. 🙂

Kattie Kate

Marissa

VTNessa

7 years

Insanity bytes

Salvageable

Hannah

Authentically Aurora

Lauren Zazzara

A Moment Of Honesty

I’ve recently been diagnosed with PTSD. There. I said it. A bit blunt, perhaps, but I said it nonetheless. What I have is probably more in line with C-PTSD than the more traditional PTSD, and I guess that comes along with a different approach and slightly different symptoms, but it’s still PTSD.

I guess I kind of knew it all along, but I thought that I was just imagining things or exaggerating what I was feeling/going through in order to make it seem significant.

Inside I’m a tangled mess of thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to turn this blog into a negative place, I want to keep it warm and positive. But life isn’t always that bright. I’ve gone through some dark times, and I’m experienced some amazing moments of light and truth, and love.

I will recover from this. I just have so much confusion and uncertainty right now. There are ways in which I’m so insecure that I want to cover it up and hide in shame, but I can’t do that. Darkness can’t survive when we bring it to light.

There are ways in which I’m relieved that my perception was always real, other ways in which the idea that it could have been real absolutely devastates me.

I’m not sure where exactly the path to healing will lead me. I don’t know what the next few weeks, months, or years will look like. I don’t know what even the next few days will be like. The future is not guaranteed, all I have is this moment, and I need to do what’s right in it.

I have answers now and in some small way that allows me to hand it over to God. That conflict has been resolved, the truth has been found. But there’s new confusion, new struggles.

I fear the pain I’m going to have to walk through to overcome this. I fear the consequences it will have on my writing, my relationships, this blog. There’s a lot of fear, but what I really need right now is faith. The opposite of faith is not doubt, it’s fear. I’ve been so seeped and saturated in the fear for so long. It’s going to take a lot to work through that and overcome it. But I know that with God’s help, I can, and I will.

The words of a dear, recently passed, friend echo through my mind, as she leaned in to hug me and whispered the exact words I needed to hear. “He that is in you is greater than he that is in the world.”