A Moment Of Honesty

I’ve recently been diagnosed with PTSD. There. I said it. A bit blunt, perhaps, but I said it nonetheless. What I have is probably more in line with C-PTSD than the more traditional PTSD, and I guess that comes along with a different approach and slightly different symptoms, but it’s still PTSD.

I guess I kind of knew it all along, but I thought that I was just imagining things or exaggerating what I was feeling/going through in order to make it seem significant.

Inside I’m a tangled mess of thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to turn this blog into a negative place, I want to keep it warm and positive. But life isn’t always that bright. I’ve gone through some dark times, and I’m experienced some amazing moments of light and truth, and love.

I will recover from this. I just have so much confusion and uncertainty right now. There are ways in which I’m so insecure that I want to cover it up and hide in shame, but I can’t do that. Darkness can’t survive when we bring it to light.

There are ways in which I’m relieved that my perception was always real, other ways in which the idea that it could have been real absolutely devastates me.

I’m not sure where exactly the path to healing will lead me. I don’t know what the next few weeks, months, or years will look like. I don’t know what even the next few days will be like. The future is not guaranteed, all I have is this moment, and I need to do what’s right in it.

I have answers now and in some small way that allows me to hand it over to God. That conflict has been resolved, the truth has been found. But there’s new confusion, new struggles.

I fear the pain I’m going to have to walk through to overcome this. I fear the consequences it will have on my writing, my relationships, this blog. There’s a lot of fear, but what I really need right now is faith. The opposite of faith is not doubt, it’s fear. I’ve been so seeped and saturated in the fear for so long. It’s going to take a lot to work through that and overcome it. But I know that with God’s help, I can, and I will.

The words of a dear, recently passed, friend echo through my mind, as she leaned in to hug me and whispered the exact words I needed to hear. “He that is in you is greater than he that is in the world.”


22 thoughts on “A Moment Of Honesty

  1. I understand what you say; that you don’t want to be negative. It is honest and that is positive. We can be negative by rushing into or trying to cover up or put a nice pretty mask on what’s really going on. The more we try to deny stuff; the more the energy pushes to get out….I’ve gone through – denied i was in a bad place only for my emotions to erupt – allow them to flow out; you’re brave. you’ll come out more grounded, rooted and stronger

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love that verse your friend shared. Another one I hold on to is Romans 8:18: “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” You’ll be in my prayers.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I am wishing you lots of strength as you make your way through healing. Your determination will help you through. The pain of recovery will be worth the healing, and we will all be here to support you along the way πŸ™‚ Best of luck and my thoughts are with you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  4. i have to remind myself this as well but YOU ARE NOT ALONE.. Like so many, TOO MANY.. I am walking this very path with you. if I can’t quit, neither can you πŸ˜†. although this journey is unbelievably difficult & we may trip over our own feet at times, i truly have hope that We Shall Overcome!!
    God bless you for your bravery!
    i am thinking of you & sending love & prayers of healing your way!! πŸ’“

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your support and encouragement. It feels so isolating sometimes. And although I would never wish this on anyone, it’s good to know I’m not alone. Thank you. I’m sending love and prayers your way too. We can fight this. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t know what you have gone through, and I don’t really know how you feel, but I do hope you are able to move forward boldly as needed for the healing process. I don’t know if it will help you, but one scripture that has helped me when going through tough times of fear or anxiety has been 2 Timothy 1:7 ” …for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

    Praying for you: strength, courage, sound sleep, comfort, peace, and hope as you figure out how to move forward in this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind word of encouragement. I’ve been holding to that verse, so it means a lot to me that you shared it. Thank you for your prayers. I know I will get through this, knowing what’s wrong has helped give me hope too.

      Liked by 1 person

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