I’ve recently been diagnosed with PTSD. There. I said it. A bit blunt, perhaps, but I said it nonetheless. What I have is probably more in line with C-PTSD than the more traditional PTSD, and I guess that comes along with a different approach and slightly different symptoms, but it’s still PTSD.
I guess I kind of knew it all along, but I thought that I was just imagining things or exaggerating what I was feeling/going through in order to make it seem significant.
Inside I’m a tangled mess of thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to turn this blog into a negative place, I want to keep it warm and positive. But life isn’t always that bright. I’ve gone through some dark times, and I’m experienced some amazing moments of light and truth, and love.
I will recover from this. I just have so much confusion and uncertainty right now. There are ways in which I’m so insecure that I want to cover it up and hide in shame, but I can’t do that. Darkness can’t survive when we bring it to light.
There are ways in which I’m relieved that my perception was always real, other ways in which the idea that it could have been real absolutely devastates me.
I’m not sure where exactly the path to healing will lead me. I don’t know what the next few weeks, months, or years will look like. I don’t know what even the next few days will be like. The future is not guaranteed, all I have is this moment, and I need to do what’s right in it.
I have answers now and in some small way that allows me to hand it over to God. That conflict has been resolved, the truth has been found. But there’s new confusion, new struggles.
I fear the pain I’m going to have to walk through to overcome this. I fear the consequences it will have on my writing, my relationships, this blog. There’s a lot of fear, but what I really need right now is faith. The opposite of faith is not doubt, it’s fear. I’ve been so seeped and saturated in the fear for so long. It’s going to take a lot to work through that and overcome it. But I know that with God’s help, I can, and I will.
The words of a dear, recently passed, friend echo through my mind, as she leaned in to hug me and whispered the exact words I needed to hear. “He that is in you is greater than he that is in the world.”