I find myself doing a lot less reflecting than I usually do, especially around this time of year. I feel somehow paralyzed, in stasis, as though I’m not supposed to be here.
I’m torn between the past and the future, not really holding on to one or the other, yet not willing to let go either. I’m afraid to face them. If I face them, I can overcome them, but I’m afraid to turn in either direction for fear of being defeated by the other.
No earthly enemy is so great as our own mind. We often defeat ourselves without an enemy even needing the chance. If they can get in, if they can convince us that we are the problem, then they’ve already won.
I guess a lot of this comes from my diagnosis of PTSD. I have to face the past in order to move into the future; and yet, I know the cause and its triggers are still present in my life. I can’t see beyond into a future where it no longer exists. If there’s no future where it no longer exists, then what is there that’s worth fighting for?
That is why I’m paralyzed. I’m afraid to move because if I face the past it seems bigger than it was before. It seems somehow worse. More despicable. All-consuming.
I’m trapped in this moment. I will forever be in this moment, for that is all we ever have. It’s like a glass bubble that shields and protects me. And for this moment, I am safe. That’s all I can think about. In this moment, I am safe.