I find myself doing a lot less reflecting than I usually do, especially around this time of year. I feel somehow paralyzed, in stasis, as though I’m not supposed to be here.
I’m torn between the past and the future, not really holding on to one or the other, yet not willing to let go either. I’m afraid to face them. If I face them, I can overcome them, but I’m afraid to turn in either direction for fear of being defeated by the other.
No earthly enemy is so great as our own mind. We often defeat ourselves without an enemy even needing the chance. If they can get in, if they can convince us that we are the problem, then they’ve already won.
I guess a lot of this comes from my diagnosis of PTSD. I have to face the past in order to move into the future; and yet, I know the cause and its triggers are still present in my life. I can’t see beyond into a future where it no longer exists. If there’s no future where it no longer exists, then what is there that’s worth fighting for?
That is why I’m paralyzed. I’m afraid to move because if I face the past it seems bigger than it was before. It seems somehow worse. More despicable. All-consuming.
I’m trapped in this moment. I will forever be in this moment, for that is all we ever have. It’s like a glass bubble that shields and protects me. And for this moment, I am safe. That’s all I can think about. In this moment, I am safe.
I understand the feeling you describe. Some times that’s the way things are. When I was poised between possibilities, uncertain which choice to make, a very wise man said to me that God will steer if I start moving. If a ship is sitting still in the water, it doesn’t matter how much steering the captain does. Once the ship begins moving, if it is going the wrong direction, the captain can steer it into the right direction. Of course you feel safe now, but with the right captain steering, you will be safe while moving. Blessings to you in 2016. J.
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Thank you, J. That was exactly what I needed to hear. You really give the most perfectly timed advice, thank you. 🙂 Blessings to you in 2016 as well.
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Are you friends with Ally? I feel like you and she have similar posts lately. As CS Lewis once said, “We read to know we are not alone.” So… know that you’re not the only one! Hugs ❤ https://mylittlepieceofquiet.wordpress.com/2015/12/30/feeling-a-bit-out-of-sorts/
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Ally and I know each other in the same way you and I know each other. However, I think a lot of us are traveling the same road together just now. Thank you for the hugs. J.
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I love that we can travel this road together, it makes me feel less alone. Thank you both for your support.
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Thank you, Aurora. Ally and I are friends on here, she’s amazing. I love that quote, thanks for sharing it and for your encouragement. 🙂
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Yes you are safe… Sending you my healing thoughts.. as we let go of one year and let go of fear..
Happy New You in 2016.. Love and Light.. sending you blessings for a healthy Happy New Year to you .. Hugs Sue
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Thank you, Sue! I greatly appreciate your blessings and encouragement. Happy New Year, may yours be blessed as well! 🙂
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❤ ❤ xx
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I’ve been struggling with similar feelings throughout the past couple of weeks. I love the quote shared by Salvageable here. You’re in my thoughts 🙂
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Thank you, Ally! I loved those thoughts as well, just perfect for where I’m at. I hope and pray that your coming year brings clarity and peace. 🙂
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I hope your coming year is full of peace and contentment as well 🙂
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