I find myself doing a lot less reflecting than I usually do, especially around this time of year. I feel somehow paralyzed, in stasis, as though I’m not supposed to be here.

I’m torn between the past and the future, not really holding on to one or the other, yet not willing to let go either. I’m afraid to face them. If I face them, I can overcome them, but I’m afraid to turn in either direction for fear of being defeated by the other.

No earthly enemy is so great as our own mind. We often defeat ourselves without an enemy even needing the chance. If they can get in, if they can convince us that we are the problem, then they’ve already won.

I guess a lot of this comes from my diagnosis of PTSD. I have to face the past in order to move into the future; and yet, I know the cause and its triggers are still present in my life. I can’t see beyond into a future where it no longer exists. If there’s no future where it no longer exists, then what is there that’s worth fighting for?

That is why I’m paralyzed. I’m afraid to move because if I face the past it seems bigger than it was before. It seems somehow worse. More despicable. All-consuming.

I’m trapped in this moment. I will forever be in this moment, for that is all we ever have. It’s like a glass bubble that shields and protects me. And for this moment, I am safe. That’s all I can think about. In this moment, I am safe.


13 thoughts on “Safe

  1. I understand the feeling you describe. Some times that’s the way things are. When I was poised between possibilities, uncertain which choice to make, a very wise man said to me that God will steer if I start moving. If a ship is sitting still in the water, it doesn’t matter how much steering the captain does. Once the ship begins moving, if it is going the wrong direction, the captain can steer it into the right direction. Of course you feel safe now, but with the right captain steering, you will be safe while moving. Blessings to you in 2016. J.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s