Will I ever learn to extend the same grace to myself that I so readily extend to others? Will I ever learn to let things go and forgive myself for all the ways I haven’t measured up? I tend to be really hard on myself. I have really high standards, and I don’t know what to do with myself when I don’t measure up to them. This is something I’m working on, very slowly, but it’s still a flaw. (See the perfectionism there? haha)
I like to think I’m a positive person, but this isn’t always the case. I have my days and my struggles just like anyone. And sometimes, I even like to point it out. I guess I figure that if someone else can extend grace and understanding to me, then they validate my worth and maybe I can extend a little of that to myself.
I know this is unhealthy. It’s completely unhealthy, yet I do it anyway.
Sometimes it’s hard to know the line between being honest and vulnerably sharing the face behind the mask, and when we’re just complaining or looking for attention.
I have a love hate relationship with that… I HATE being the center of attention, like absolutely despise it, it makes me super uncomfortable and I do anything I can to divert it from myself. This can be especially bad if I’m having a rough time and am talking with a friend who’s in a good place. I don’t want to bring them down, so I shut down and say that I’m okay and then throw the conversation back to them. I don’t want to answer questions about myself. I don’t want people to know that I’m struggling, and I don’t want to be “that person” who brings everyone down, always having some sort of sob story.
Yet I know that the isolation only makes it worse. I do it to myself. I recognize this. It doesn’t have to be this way. I have a whole group of people who are ready and willing to support me and love me through any storm I face. So why do I continue to hide? I don’t have to hide.
There’s a crack in the sky. Through the clouds there comes a light. I’ve hidden in the darkness, and I’ve stood firm in the light of the truth. Depression thrives in isolation. Sometimes it’s a heavy burden and for many, many complicated reasons, it tends to want to keep us there. Sometimes we even take on its identity as our own. That’s when the true damage comes. We’re not ourselves and we know it. Then the guilt of being a fake, of not being who I say I am, the imposter syndrome, not feeling like I have a place or that I belong.
It’s so easy to be caught up in low self-worth. But God doesn’t intend for us to live that way. We need to reach out. We need to stand above the clouds. We do not need to stay trapped by this thing forever. It has no hold on us, it just feels that way sometimes. We don’t need to hide anymore. We are free. We are not our mental issues. We are our hearts, we are our souls. And our souls are washed clean.