The Life I Thought I’d Lead

old-1915486_640We break, we heal, we hurt, we mend. Then we start all over again. Life, in my experience, is nothing like I would have planned, or hoped, or dreamed. Some parts are better, some leave me feeling like I’m always dragging behind.

When I was growing up, I always felt like I was ahead of everyone else. Not in an egotistical way, I had a lot of insecurities, but I was always moving ahead to the next thing and seemed to fit in more with people who were older than me. I wanted to be the first in everything, marriage, children, getting the stable things in life situated so I could move on to whatever greater purpose life had in store for me.

I always knew that some forms of wisdom and understanding would only come through life experience and age. I wanted that, I longed for it, yearned for it, and yet, I still wanted all the other things too.

I didn’t want to settle. I didn’t want to back down, or accept defeat. So I tried, and I pushed, and I ended up so caught up in all the things I wanted to be, that I never actually did any of it.

I’m not that old, many would call me young. But I don’t feel very young. And if I’m honest, I’ve never felt young. Maybe it’s being an INFJ, maybe it’s something else, I’m not entirely sure.

I missed the deadlines I had for myself. And I miss more of them with each and every day. That weighs heavy on me. I don’t want this blog to be a negative space, but sometimes life is hard. And sometimes, we just have those down days, or those things that remind us of the life we’re missing out on.

When time is spinning fast, and life is closing in. It feels like time is running out for dreams I thought I’d live.

My goal for this year is Fearless Hope. I don’t want to live as a victim anymore. I’m sick of the victim mentality. Bad things happen, it’s a part of life, but those things don’t need to define us. I’ve let the past define me for far too long now.

I don’t want to do what I’ve done in the past. I say I’m going to change it, but I don’t always have the mental, physical, or emotional energy to. So I dump my problems out on people. People who care, and I know they’re always there for me, but I don’t want to be a pain… I don’t want to be a burden.

avian-1866991_640I don’t want to tread water. I don’t want to merely stay afloat. Now it’s time to swim deep in the waters, to find who I really am. I need to find the courage and diligence to climb from this pit. It’s claimed me for too long. It’s time to find my wings. It’s time to fly.

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9 thoughts on “The Life I Thought I’d Lead

  1. Beautiful post and love that goal. Wishing you well on your journey this year. Can definitely relate to missing deadlines I set for myself as the years pass. And very much agree with your first paragraph. So true. Life can be so unexpected. Learning to be okay with it.

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  2. I came across your blog when I googled “INFJ waiting for a purpose”. I am a mid-life male INFJ. I discovered my personality type 11 years ago by accident. My life has not been the same since. In my research, I have come to recognize a universal theme in INFJ blogs. The theme is one of “waiting”. Waiting for a purpose. Waiting for a cause so great, we would abandon everything in its service. Be careful what you wish for. A sacrifice of this magnitude is…martyrdom. And it haunts all INFJ to some degree. We can see the possible future. One so pure in its beauty. One so powerful in its force. One so sublime, it brings us to tears. We are human. And we are full of imperfection. Be kind to yourself. Do not hold yourself to the standard of the spirit you feel within you. We were never meant to be angels or saints. The INFJ is a catalyst when given a cause. But the cause is not our choosing. Life chooses for us. Otherwise, the INFJ’s second purpose is to bring “Expression” of the human condition and the potential for a world that can “be”. Be the “channel” of the cosmic energy that you feel so powerfully in your moments of bliss. This is the blessing of the gift we were given. It is only achieved through your attainment of the highest levels of compassion. I hope I have not alarmed you. I am only sharing something I wish someone would have told me. Patience is a forced condition that is only necessary when we are not ready to “let go”. Of what? Our materialism, in the most philosophical sense of the word. Find the compassion in you, for yourself, and others. Find your spiritual center, and the guiding force that brings you the claire-knowledge you feel in the wisdom you have, but you cannot figure out its origin. Being an INFJ is a challenge until we understand the purpose and the dichotomy we create because we cannot “rationalize” it. Our lot in life is to “feel” through it, and embrace the beauty that is the feeling of compassion and the connnection to our feelings that compassion brings. Our ability to connect with the feelings of others, and the feelings of people gives us tremendous power, a power that can unite and bring change.

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    1. Aww… Thank you Sigurd. You are absolutely right, and I’ve been caught in that waiting trap for most of my life. “A sacrifice of this magnitude is…martyrdom.” I never thought of it this way, but it’s true. Thank you for your thoughtful reply and insight. You’ve inspired me. 🙂

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