Envy. Oh how I loathe that evil little sin. Out of the seven deadly sins, envy is the one I struggle with the most. It seems I’m never content with what I have when I see how much better things could have been. My mind is filled with could haves. And it steals the joy I have today, over something that I missed out on yesterday or tomorrow. Or who knows, maybe it’s over things I’ll someday have, just not yet, not right now.
Patience is hard too. It’s easier to just say, “Okay God, I’ll wait for your perfect timing,” than it is to actually follow through on it. All around me, people have things that I want, things that there’s really no reason I couldn’t someday have. But even that hinges on hope.
I’m too much of a perfectionist. I want that Instagram perfect life, and yet I also detest the lack of authenticity it brings with it. Not that everyone on Instagram is a fake, and I know there’s a time and place for a more curated identity. But those two values/desires conflict so heavily in me.
I want to have my life together, I want to know what the heck I’m doing, and, I want to be fully real and authentic doing it. Basically, I’m still chasing the idea of perfect. But perfect doesn’t exist. Life is messy. There’s heartache and pain, there’s a lot of beauty too, but sometimes we’re in the midst of a fire, or left standing in the ashes, waiting for that beauty to come. What then? What is truly more important to me?
At the end of the day, it isn’t about putting on a face, it’s about removing that gunk and all the pretty filth that makes us look different than who we are. I choose authenticity. I want to be real.
I don’t have everything in my life together. I don’t have that perfectly curated life. And that’s okay. I share from places of pain, places of brokenness, and places of trust and hope. It’s all real, it’s all there, and every little bit of it is just another piece of the puzzle that makes me me.
Do you struggle with perfectionism? What have you found helps you feel safe enough to take off the mask?