Dominant Dilemma, Or Maybe Auxiliary

As an INFJ my dominant cognitive function is Ni, which means I’m a dominant perceiver despite being a J type. (This is true for all introverts, the dominant function is the opposite of the J/P preference in their type.)

I’m not overly attached to every idea that floats through my head, I just like ideas, though sometimes I feel like I can come across as much more rigid when interacting with other people and the outside world. Even writing falls prey to this tendency, which I think is why I struggle with it so much sometimes.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for how harsh or certain I come across to others. As if my ideas are more important than theirs, but really I’m just excited about ideas and different possibilities.

I don’t want to be dismissive of others. I don’t know when I’m overstepping boundaries, and when I’m not pulling my own weight. And this leaves me feeling more misunderstood, and also very insecure about my roles. That could be a communication issue too, but still. I don’t want to be a steamroller, and I’m beginning to realize that I might be.

And because of my auxiliary Fe, I feel more in tune with others’ emotions than my own, so I beat myself up over my interactions, then I’m left confused and spinning wondering what my true motivation actually is. Misunderstood by myself too.

People pleasing has been a huge obstacle for me to overcome. I don’t really know how to say no. I have a couple times now, and I’ve felt really bad about it, and like I was letting someone down.

So maybe this isn’t about the dominant, but the auxiliary, the way I interact with others. I’ve fallen into some really dysfunctional patterns, and I think that I’ve probably gone from one extreme, to overcompensating on the other.

I’m still not sure how clear my vision is on this. I still have a lot to process, and a lot to learn.

Beautiful Morning

It’s a beautiful day today, birds are singing outside my windows, and everything’s come to life. I love that burst in the spring and summer, where everything blooms, one after another. The noises are more peaceful, and there isn’t really silence, and that’s okay, it’s a good kind of noise.

I’ve been trying to get out for walks lately. I think I’m going to try to get out some today. I’m always hesitant to go out alone, though I generally find I enjoy it when I do. My mind drifts and wanders, and it’s a very different experience than walking with others. I suppose that’s part of what scares me too, I’m so checked out and in my own little world that I’m both hyper-aware and unaware of what’s going on around me.

Getting out in nature is good for me. I used to be outside all the time, I miss that. It’s calm and peaceful, and there’s a hope that can’t be quantified. I like feeling free to explore, not boxed in. I’m struggling with that some today. Feeling like all my responsibilities are holding me back, when I really just want to be free.

Even in the warmer weather, I still have a cup of hot tea, and I’m thankful for this morning and this moment, a time to take a rest and breathe before fully starting my day.

Thank you also for being here, and for reading along on my journey.

What are some of your favorite ways to start your day?

The Forest

When I was a child my family spent a lot of time camping and being out in the woods. I think growing up in the forest is part of what inspired me to write. That type of nature clicks with me in a way that other things and locations don’t.

I feel like my writing is often stilted because of it, and yet, if it is the reason I create, then I suppose it’s okay. Stream of consciousness free-writing (in story form) used to be a daily practice for me, and almost every time, I’d end up in some type of forest, be it magical or terrifying.

Writing this is déjà vu. That happens a lot. Most of the time I can see a few seconds or minutes out, and most of the time the end of it, which usually doesn’t happen, turns out bad, though sometimes it isn’t.

Intuition is a weird thing. I’m not fully sure how to make sense of it. There are times when this will last and I’ve had conversations (or witnessed them in other people) knowing what they were going to say back and forth. One time it went on long enough that I ended up interrupting just to make it stop. I’m not sure what that says about my brain.

Sometimes I feel like something’s wrong with me. I’m too sensitive, too out of touch, too much in my own mind. Sometimes I just accept my introversion and INFJness, but there are still a lot of insecurities.

I suppose that’s why I like the forest. I’m allowed to just be, to absorb what I will, ignore the rest, and drift off into my own little world where anything is possible.

P.S. Happy summer! 🙂

Greater Things

We don’t always realize the impact we have on others. Sometimes our impact is good, sometimes bad, but there can’t really exist a neutral, or else it wouldn’t be impact.

I’m the type of person who could be content sitting inside my home all day with a hot cup of tea, a cat and a good book (or a notebook). There’s certainly a time and a place for that, and sometimes it’s in those very moments that we find insight into ourselves, others, or the world that we use to help and share with others.

And sometimes, the only way to really have impact is to interact.

I struggle to engage sometimes. I’m off drifting in my own little world, or standing silently, almost paralyzed, in the corner just observing everything that’s going on around me. Interacting with people can sometimes feel a lot like jumping off the edge of a cliff, or maybe what I imagine skydiving would be like, uncertain of how to let my feet leave the safety of the plane.

We were made for greater things. And I’m learning that impact and influence will look different for different people with different gifts. I’m learning to stop minimizing my own in favor of another more lofty looking ideal. Sometimes the great things are in the small things. And we can’t ever forget that.

Everything we do leaves a ripple effect on those around us. Good or bad, and that is our fruit. We don’t have to speak to a stadium full of people in order to change the lives of others. But the question is, what type of ripples are we leaving? When we do engage with others, do they walk away feeling refreshed and replenished, or do they leave feeling worse than when we came?

I’m trying to be more aware of my interactions. I want to help others feel loved and valued and heard, and I can’t say I always do that well, but I want to.

There are so many broken people in this world, I want to be a voice of truth and love and compassion. I want my words to heal, not to destroy.

And all of us, whether we realize it or not, leave these little ripples all around us. What stories do the ripples tell?

Finding Hope

I woke up with hope today. Encouragement from a friend comforted deep in my soul in a way I don’t think she even intended. Words matter. Truth matters. And just a little piece of encouragement can make a world of difference.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, last night was more peaceful though. I had interesting dreams that I can’t fully grasp as only little bits and pieces play through my mind. It’s been a rainy and drizzly morning, so I woke more peaceful than I have in a while.

Our God is an awesome God. I’m realizing that more lately, and I’m so incredibly thankful. Each step toward clearer vision, each little break in the illusions and lies that have held me captive, each movement forward, instead of back, it encourages me just a little more.

God has brought me so far, and I’m excited to see where He’s going to bring me next, of what truly lies ahead, hope for a future once more. We’re made free. Just a little bit of hope is sometimes all you need.

Seeing Hope For The Future

I’m slowly beginning to trust. “The sun comes up it’s a new day dawning.” I’m feeling more peace, more hope, I’m beginning to believe that this isn’t the end and that God has a plan to not only bring me through this, but free me completely and redeem every part of the path that’s lead me to where I am, and will lead me where I’m going.

I can now say I know what it’s like to look back and see the hand of God at work in my life. I look at where I was, and where I am, and all I can say is that it’s impossible. It’s impossible that I could have come from where I was to this point. God is faithful, He’s the God of the impossible. There’s no denying it’s Him, because without Him, none of this could have come to be.

And I feel peace.

The waves wash over me, this time, they’re cleansing, soothing and healing, washing away all the hurt and pain, and giving me hope for a new day. Some form of future lies ahead, and I’m beginning to believe that the future will contain blessings. I’m blessed beyond the curse and His promise will endure. And His joy will be my strength.

I’ve found such joy and peace in Him, it’s impossible, and unexplainable, all I can say is that I am so extremely and abundantly grateful. I’m beginning to believe that there’s still a plan for me, that God hasn’t forgotten me, and His plans are still bigger than my own, and He will save me; in many ways, He already has.

It’s hard to hold on in the darkest of nights, the times when we feel all hope is lost and there’s no way to overcome, when we’re being beaten down by the waves that crash around us and they just keep coming. The more we try to stay afloat, the faster we drown. But He reaches down to save us. Against all odds, against all human understanding.

I’m beginning to trust that there is a future full of love and light and hope.

We serve a big God, a God who still does miracles, a God who doesn’t just allow us to have what we hoped to have, but a God who wants to pull back the veil of our eyes and show us the impossible.


I don’t like eating breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day, they say, and perhaps it is. Maybe making food first thing in the morning feels like too much effort, sometimes I’m hungry, and most of the time I like simple foods, like a dish of berries or some fruit. Lately I’ve been having celery and peanut butter.

However, thinking about breakfast also makes me think about life. If breakfast really is the most important meal, and sets the tone for the day, would it make me more productive if I did change my eating habits? Are there things that I’m missing out on? Maybe everyone’s just different. I’m not really sure.

How often do we skip things that would really benefit us in the long run? What metaphorical breakfasts are missing from our lives, relationships, daily routines?

“When the toast is burned and all the milk has turned and Captain Crunch is waving farewell…”

Most mornings I’m content with a cup of tea. And sometimes, maybe we need to require a little more of life.

Restful Day

I love quiet rainy days at home. There’s something so peaceful about the feeling in the air and being all snuggly and cozy inside.

There’s still a remnant of tiredness, but also a peace that transcends the external and makes its way deep into my soul. I’m thankful for this day and the time I have to enjoy it. Tasks are taken care of, work projects are done and wrapped up for the time being. I hate having things hanging over my head, so it’s good to have a chance to just really rest.

I’m thinking about watching some old movies, or maybe period dramas. I’ve always enjoyed those. Maybe I’ll do some reading, pick up my camera, or do some baking. Either way, I’m honoring my need to rest.