New Years Thoughts 2018-2019

Christmas is behind us, a new year is about to begin. I feel apprehensive. I know stepping from one year to the next isn’t really a change except for the dates we write, and yet, there is something refreshing about a clean slate.

As I said in my last post, I don’t feel nearly as prepared for it as usual. I’ve felt off balance. Like something’s looming. Good or bad, I’m uncertain.

I step into the new year with so many uncertainties. I’m not fully sure what I want, or what direction I want to take. Over the past couple days I’ve tried to do some more planning, but I’m just struggling to come up with goals in the way I used to.

Maybe some of it is knowing how uncertain our plans are. Even when we do make plans and goals, we don’t always follow through. I haven’t given up on the concept entirely, it’s just taking me longer than usual.

And I feel stuck. I have for a long time now. Holding on to the past a future, and it’s tearing me in two.

I want to let go, I want to step into a new year with hope for what it will contain. And yet…

And yet I’ve held on for so long. As if clinging to the things that have kept me safe in the past will keep me safe again in the future. A security blanket of sorts, and maybe it’s time to step out on my own.

I don’t know what’s coming, and I don’t fully feel prepared, but whatever it brings, I know I want to trust God with my future, even when I’m scared and the unknowns are closing in.

Sometimes I wish I just knew what I wanted my future to look like. Sometimes I wish the path were clearly laid out before me. But it isn’t. And even if it was, I think I’d feel boxed in, and want to break past those walls.

I haven’t been the most stable lately. I’ve lost a lot of my habits that have kept me grounded. Maybe that’s part of it too. It seems like this year more than others, the holidays have thrown me off balance.

There have been good moments, happy moments, things that I’ve enjoyed. But I’ve felt disconnected and detached in a way that I haven’t in a long time. And I don’t like that. I feel detached from myself, from others, from God…

I can’t say what this new year will bring. I’m finding more peace, or at least acceptance, in the face of uncertainty. But even that leaves me in a haze. It can be pleasant at times, though I’m not sure how to ground myself in reality.

Do you find that the holidays throw you off balance? What are your hopes for the coming year? I’d love to hear from you.

A New Year Coming

New years bring changes and challenges. For me it’s a time to reflect and reevaluate. It’s so easy to get caught up in the commotion of life, holidays, family and friends. It’s good to take a step back and look ahead to the future, holding the lessons of the past, to hopefully write a new story and create a better tomorrow.

I get stuck inside my head too often. Things over the past couple years have been shifting and changing, up until now it’s been a slow process, subtle changes and adjustments that add up over time. I’m continually amazed at how far I’ve come over the past few years, and yet, I’m still often dissatisfied at how slow the process is, that it works in shifts, rather than sudden changes.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling like maybe a bigger change is coming. I’m not sure if it’s the time of year, wishful thinking, or if there’s something more to this thought and feeling. But either way, I’m hoping that maybe a bigger (positive) change is on its way.

So far I haven’t done much planning. I don’t have a word selected, and I’m really not sure what this new year will hold. I have been doing some writing and processing though. It’s been a struggle at times, but it’s been good to wrestle with things that have been holding me hostage.

What are your hopes for the new year?

Seasons Change

Lately I’ve been feeling weird. Stuck in a different way. Maybe it’s the time of year. Maybe it’s a new year around the corner and realizing just how stuck I’ve been. I feel like I’m holding myself back, standing in my own way. But I’m not sure exactly why, or in what way.

I look to God for guidance, but sometimes it feels He’s silent. Waiting on me to make the next move, or make any decision. Maybe God isn’t invested in every detail. Maybe it’s important for us to go through the process of figuring it out on our own. Maybe it’s for our own good, our own healing.

I don’t want to give into my fears and doubts. I don’t want to give into the feeling like I don’t have a future. There’s been a spark of hope the past few days. Maybe it’s been being able to spend some more quality time with my husband.

Holidays change things. They change the atmosphere, the environment, the expectations. And somehow, through all that glittery daze, we’re able to see things in a different way.

Things are brought to light that were hidden just before. Hopes are brought to the open, where once they were buried beneath the weight of mundane life.

Seasons come, and seasons go. And yet. We remain.

What do we want to do with the time that we’ve been given?

Begin Again

The world is open. New hopes, new possibilities, new ideas.

I’m stepping into another chapter, maybe even a different book, and I have no idea what these new pages will hold.

There’s a slight bit of fear and apprehension, but mostly peace and a twinge of excitement.

Perfect timing for a change I suppose, right before the start of a new year. I’m not sure yet what my word of the year will be. I’m thinking possibly Action. Active over passive, that is what I want. So much of my life has been spent catering to the whims of others, so much of my time has been wasted on fears and anxieties, it’s time to start fresh, start new, start over, and begin again.

Leaving one story, and moving to the next, isn’t necessarily an end to the old, but it is a form of closure, where the past can be safely stored away, still accessible if necessary, but no longer dominating or controlling the future or the course of the next story.

I’m excited to find what the next era holds. A deep peace and willingness to release my own control has come over me, and my heart trusts the Author’s plans for my future.

What I Want

It’s a stormy day today, just the perfect kind of day to stay indoors and write. I’ve been far too busy lately, busy doing nothing, busy on busywork that just leaves me drained and without the mental or emotional energy to do anything else.

Have you ever been in such an introvert drain that you can’t even handle reading or watching tv because of the “social interaction”? It’s too much peopling.

As an INFJ, maybe just as a human, I need purpose in life. I want a deeper purpose, not just showing up to work on time and having some human interaction.

A friend asked me the other day what I want. This was when I was talking about being drained and overwhelmed with my current work load and responsibilities.

And I couldn’t answer. My mind has been so cluttered and filled with useless (not fun) nonsense that I couldn’t even honestly look at my own thoughts or feelings. The peopling and the obligations had (have) grown so great that I don’t even have the mental or emotional ability to assess my own life.

I needed that reminder, and her encouragement to step back. This isn’t working.

Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I think the main things I want are freedom and creativity.

I still have more processing to do, so this might be an impulsive answer, but it’s a start.

I’ve felt so creatively dry lately, and I think it takes a toll on me in every way. I haven’t had the chance to just sit down and create anything for myself in so long. I’ve had work things, but even those are mostly busywork that keeps me distracted from doing anything I actually care about.

A while ago I sat down and wrote down exactly what I wanted. Of course it was in a vague and abstract way, but those three categories still hold true, and I think I’ve lost sight of them.

The struggle to swim and save ourselves only makes drowning come more quickly. And maybe to others too.

I don’t want to live my life this way anymore. Something needs to change. I’m just not sure what that looks like yet.

Write Again

It’s been a while since my writing group stopped meeting. I’m finding myself thinking about writing again. It’s like now that I’m on my own, and have freedom to write without the responsibility to have to show it to anyone else, I’m once again lured in by the process.

Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. Everyone else said they liked having the group, that having someone to write for motivated them. For me… It was the exact opposite. Knowing that if I wrote, someone would want to read my work, made me shut down and stop writing completely.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust these people. I felt safe with them and enjoyed reading everything that they brought, I loved seeing their process. I just hated the expectation that I was writing for someone else. I wasn’t. I wrote for myself. Selfish? Perhaps. But it was my only way to cope, one avenue to process.

The other day I was reading Introvert Dear articles, and I read one that talked about this. It made me feel a bit less alone, but also made me sad. I don’t have a special project right now that I can dedicate time to. I don’t have a passion, or a purpose. I feel like I’m drowning just trying to keep up with everything that’s being thrown my direction.

And yet, maybe that’s why I feel like writing again. Maybe my mind needs that outlet.

I have a couple ideas I could possibly work on. And maybe I’ll start to try. I don’t want to put pressure on myself about it again though, that simply doesn’t work for me.

This time, if I write creatively again, I will let my mind wander in worlds of my own, without assuming the need or requirement that my work needs to be shared in order to have value.

Anyone else feel demotivated by having an audience to write for? Do you enjoy writing just for yourself? Let me know any other thoughts you have in the comments, I’d love to hear other perspectives.

Busy And Exhausted

Busy weeks leave me drained. My workload is picking up, and I’m frustrated that I don’t have as much time as I’d like to work on my own projects. I feel ripped from my inner world, and unable to go back to it, and so I wall myself off from even myself.

The week is winding down, but only by a bit. I still have a list of tasks a mile long I need to complete, and absolutely no motivation to do it with.

Sometimes I resent external responsibilities, wishing I could go off and be completely alone without having to worry about anything or anyone else. The weight of it is just so much.

But on the flip side, I do get lonely, and I care very deeply about other people, I don’t really want to be completely on my own, I just want enough breathing room that I can focus on things I care about as well as the useless busy work I have to do for others.

Yesterday, after a meeting, I came home and fell asleep on my living room floor. I didn’t mean to, but I was too exhausted. Extroverting and living in the external world, and worlds of facts and details just drain all my energy, on every level.

Sometimes I wish I was “stronger” and was better able to handle these external tasks and demands. But I feel no purpose in anything I’m doing, and I think that adds to the weight of it. I don’t want to spend my whole life doing nothing of any value.

My friends say I’m too busy. They’re probably right.

How much is too much? And how do I learn to say no?