It’s a stormy day today, just the perfect kind of day to stay indoors and write. I’ve been far too busy lately, busy doing nothing, busy on busywork that just leaves me drained and without the mental or emotional energy to do anything else.
Have you ever been in such an introvert drain that you can’t even handle reading or watching tv because of the “social interaction”? It’s too much peopling.
As an INFJ, maybe just as a human, I need purpose in life. I want a deeper purpose, not just showing up to work on time and having some human interaction.
A friend asked me the other day what I want. This was when I was talking about being drained and overwhelmed with my current work load and responsibilities.
And I couldn’t answer. My mind has been so cluttered and filled with useless (not fun) nonsense that I couldn’t even honestly look at my own thoughts or feelings. The peopling and the obligations had (have) grown so great that I don’t even have the mental or emotional ability to assess my own life.
I needed that reminder, and her encouragement to step back. This isn’t working.
Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I think the main things I want are freedom and creativity.
I still have more processing to do, so this might be an impulsive answer, but it’s a start.
I’ve felt so creatively dry lately, and I think it takes a toll on me in every way. I haven’t had the chance to just sit down and create anything for myself in so long. I’ve had work things, but even those are mostly busywork that keeps me distracted from doing anything I actually care about.
A while ago I sat down and wrote down exactly what I wanted. Of course it was in a vague and abstract way, but those three categories still hold true, and I think I’ve lost sight of them.
The struggle to swim and save ourselves only makes drowning come more quickly. And maybe to others too.
I don’t want to live my life this way anymore. Something needs to change. I’m just not sure what that looks like yet.