Christmas is behind us, a new year is about to begin. I feel apprehensive. I know stepping from one year to the next isn’t really a change except for the dates we write, and yet, there is something refreshing about a clean slate.
As I said in my last post, I don’t feel nearly as prepared for it as usual. I’ve felt off balance. Like something’s looming. Good or bad, I’m uncertain.
I step into the new year with so many uncertainties. I’m not fully sure what I want, or what direction I want to take. Over the past couple days I’ve tried to do some more planning, but I’m just struggling to come up with goals in the way I used to.
Maybe some of it is knowing how uncertain our plans are. Even when we do make plans and goals, we don’t always follow through. I haven’t given up on the concept entirely, it’s just taking me longer than usual.
And I feel stuck. I have for a long time now. Holding on to the past a future, and it’s tearing me in two.
I want to let go, I want to step into a new year with hope for what it will contain. And yet…
And yet I’ve held on for so long. As if clinging to the things that have kept me safe in the past will keep me safe again in the future. A security blanket of sorts, and maybe it’s time to step out on my own.
I don’t know what’s coming, and I don’t fully feel prepared, but whatever it brings, I know I want to trust God with my future, even when I’m scared and the unknowns are closing in.
Sometimes I wish I just knew what I wanted my future to look like. Sometimes I wish the path were clearly laid out before me. But it isn’t. And even if it was, I think I’d feel boxed in, and want to break past those walls.
I haven’t been the most stable lately. I’ve lost a lot of my habits that have kept me grounded. Maybe that’s part of it too. It seems like this year more than others, the holidays have thrown me off balance.
There have been good moments, happy moments, things that I’ve enjoyed. But I’ve felt disconnected and detached in a way that I haven’t in a long time. And I don’t like that. I feel detached from myself, from others, from God…
I can’t say what this new year will bring. I’m finding more peace, or at least acceptance, in the face of uncertainty. But even that leaves me in a haze. It can be pleasant at times, though I’m not sure how to ground myself in reality.
Do you find that the holidays throw you off balance? What are your hopes for the coming year? I’d love to hear from you.