New Years Thoughts 2018-2019

Christmas is behind us, a new year is about to begin. I feel apprehensive. I know stepping from one year to the next isn’t really a change except for the dates we write, and yet, there is something refreshing about a clean slate.

As I said in my last post, I don’t feel nearly as prepared for it as usual. I’ve felt off balance. Like something’s looming. Good or bad, I’m uncertain.

I step into the new year with so many uncertainties. I’m not fully sure what I want, or what direction I want to take. Over the past couple days I’ve tried to do some more planning, but I’m just struggling to come up with goals in the way I used to.

Maybe some of it is knowing how uncertain our plans are. Even when we do make plans and goals, we don’t always follow through. I haven’t given up on the concept entirely, it’s just taking me longer than usual.

And I feel stuck. I have for a long time now. Holding on to the past a future, and it’s tearing me in two.

I want to let go, I want to step into a new year with hope for what it will contain. And yet…

And yet I’ve held on for so long. As if clinging to the things that have kept me safe in the past will keep me safe again in the future. A security blanket of sorts, and maybe it’s time to step out on my own.

I don’t know what’s coming, and I don’t fully feel prepared, but whatever it brings, I know I want to trust God with my future, even when I’m scared and the unknowns are closing in.

Sometimes I wish I just knew what I wanted my future to look like. Sometimes I wish the path were clearly laid out before me. But it isn’t. And even if it was, I think I’d feel boxed in, and want to break past those walls.

I haven’t been the most stable lately. I’ve lost a lot of my habits that have kept me grounded. Maybe that’s part of it too. It seems like this year more than others, the holidays have thrown me off balance.

There have been good moments, happy moments, things that I’ve enjoyed. But I’ve felt disconnected and detached in a way that I haven’t in a long time. And I don’t like that. I feel detached from myself, from others, from God…

I can’t say what this new year will bring. I’m finding more peace, or at least acceptance, in the face of uncertainty. But even that leaves me in a haze. It can be pleasant at times, though I’m not sure how to ground myself in reality.

Do you find that the holidays throw you off balance? What are your hopes for the coming year? I’d love to hear from you.

7 thoughts on “New Years Thoughts 2018-2019

  1. The part of the holidays that throw me off involve other people. The new year doesn’t bother me at all. That could be because I usually take on new projects in September that many people would initiate in January. (Shrug) that’s what feels natural to me. So January 1 feels like just another day to me, except I get a holiday from work.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Starting new goals in September makes so much more sense! Right after summer and heading into the cooler months.

      I completely agree about the parts that involve other people, I think it’s always a hard part of the season for introverts.

      Thank you for sharing. And Happy New Year! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The holidays do indeed throw me off balance–changes in schedule, especially meal times and bedtimes–traveling–dealing with family and with family expectations–it can be unsettling. Taking time to refocus and to remember what Christmas really celebrates helps. Accepting the turmoil as part of life helps. Knowing that in a few days we will be back to the normal schedule helps.
    I hope and pray that 2019 is a time when you sense God’s guiding hand and when you know that, hidden in your future, God has a special plan for you. He’s keeping it a secret from you, not because he doesn’t love you, but because he is looking forward to giving you a happy surprise. J.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yes! The change in schedule, people, and expectations can all be so unsettling. Especially when it’s all happening at once. I like your ways of handling it, by refocusing and remembering that it’s only for a season. I generally love the holidays, but they’re also draining. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement, you have no idea how much that means to me right now. And I so appreciate all your encouragement and understanding/insight through these ups and downs. I pray that 2019 is a blessed year for you. Thank you. 🙂

      Like

  3. I’ve just stumled across this post and it could not have come at a better time, now I have come through the other side of Christmas and New Year.
    I often find the Holidays very emotional, I can often find myself ready to burst into tears from just hearing a moving piece of music, I can get so caught up in wanting to make everything so perfect but I can make others quite miserable with my demnds.
    What I am trying to focus on is to accept how I feel at that moment and although I feel those imbalanced emotions, they are not me, they are part of me but it is up to me how I act on them.. it is up to me how I feel for the future.
    My hopes for 2019 is that I continue to work through my thoughts and get to know myself better 🙂
    I wish you all the very best wishes for 2019, x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holidays certainly can be a challenging time, especially when people have different expectations. I hope you’re able to continue to grow and learn about yourself in this coming year. It can be challenging at times, but so worth the process. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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