Cloudy Day Wanderings

I sit on this dreary day with a cup of tea that’s grown cold. I’m allowing myself to take things slowly, one step at a time. I feel that something’s changing in me, shifting without my conscious awareness, and yet, I feel God in the silence.

Clouds cover the sky above, but I know it still shines bright blue beyond. I don’t know the journeys I take, but I know that God is ever faithful, leading and guiding me further into His endless grace.

My thoughts spin and wander. I’m unsure of where even they are going. And that’s ok.

I spent some time writing this morning. I wandered in a forest again, as I nearly always doing when a pen touches blank paper. My mind is free to explore.

God works in mysterious ways. I feel Him changing me. My heart gains a new perspective and I’m not yet sure how to put it into words.

Storms don’t last forever.

And that’s what He’s reassuring me of… No matter how bad it sometimes seems, this too shall pass and I’ll see the light of a new day dawning. He can calm the winds and waves, and He can calm the storms in our lives.

We can be still. We can trust Him. And sometimes, we can cuddle up all cozy inside with a fresh cup of tea as we wait for the storm to pass.

Into The Woods

I went for a walk this morning. The cool air was refreshing and I feel like I haven’t been outside much in a while. I love looking up through the trees, branches in all different directions. It feels safe and secluded, protected and secure.

God speaks in these quiet times. When we’re off on our own, surrounded by nature. I think it was still a bit cold for most people to be out, the trail was fairly deserted.

I wandered down a little hill and just stood for a moment at the bottom. It felt like I was the only person in the world, and I felt peace standing there alone with God.

I don’t understand all the paths this life takes. I don’t understand the meaning behind the flames, but I do admire the moments of peace, when we can be still and just feel the all consuming weight of His grace.

Good Yet Tired

I went to a women’s retreat this past weekend. I was nervous going in, but completely exhausted coming out.

Before I left I was able to text my brother, who was able to reassure me that he’d feel the same way if he was in a similar situation. It helps sometimes just to have that validation that someone else knows what you’re feeling.

Overall it was a good experience. I had some time to think and process in a different way, without the space or ability to write until I got home. I often like to write thoughts down the moment I have them so I don’t forget them, but I wonder if there’s something to be gained in the waiting.

This weekend I really had to face my introversion though… I was in a group with only a few people, and still, being around others 95% of the time completely wore me out.

Thankfully I’ve recovered a little. Lots of journaling and space to myself to decompress.

I’m learning the importance to step away and honor my own needs. It’s the only way to give the best of myself to others.

But, for now, I’m just ready for bed… zzzz

Up For Air

I’m slowly coming up again. Sometimes I wonder why it takes so long, then I remember that healing is a process and it takes time.

If nothing else, this is teaching me patience. I need to have patience with myself, with the process, and as I wait for God to … to do whatever He’s going to do.

I grasp for hope. Sometimes futile, sometimes waiting. But He is always faithful, and comforts me even in small little ways. This brings me peace and helps me hope in Him.

He sees all the little things, and He brings me up for air, even when I don’t know what’s up and what’s down. It doesn’t matter, because He holds it all, and He knows exactly what path He needs me to take.

I can’t guarantee that everything is smooth sailing from here. But I do know that God can give us hope. And He is faithful to reach beyond the waves, to pull us up when we’re drowning. He catches us just in time. And He’s never too late. Even when we feel like He is.

He’s my rock. And I can trust in Him.

Rainy Relief

It’s a beautiful, gloomy, rainy day today. I’ve missed the rain. It brings me a small form of comfort when I otherwise feel lost and broken, for this moment, I can be safe and sheltered from the storm.

I haven’t been myself lately. A dark cloud has hung over me, and sometimes I fear I might never escape, but I have to believe in a future beyond the horizon.

Everything is muddled. My thoughts are jumbled in my mind like an incoherent gargle, like the adults on Charlie Brown. My thoughts are distractions that keep me awake, but they don’t seem to go anywhere.

There’s a constant undercurrent of stress, as I know I’m forgetting things I want, sometimes need, to remember. I know I’m forgetting deadlines, and projects, and to-dos that others are relying on me for. I have a bullet journal, but even that has become a sparse comparison to what my life could have been.

I don’t have an answer, or a solution for depression. I don’t have a quick or each way out of this pit. I can trust that God is faithful, He’s brought me out of it and beyond it before, and He will do it again. But in the moment, my whole body aches with the weight of this life.

I just want to wall myself off, close in alone, drink steaming hot tea, curl up with a good book. But even that won’t hold my attention anymore. I’m distracted, jumping from one thing to the next, never truly feeling or engaging in any of it.

Numbness and apathy take over, and I find myself slogging through the motions of a half-lived life.

I’m not sure when I’ll find true relief. For the moment I try to calm my stress by being present, but that’s a struggle.

The rain serves as a reminder that I’m not alone, there’s still a purpose and a plan, there’s still hope for me, even in this place. Because my God is faithful. And He provides the rain.

Music

Soft music plays behind me as I’m lost in my mind. I hear the cars rush by, but it’s like they’re not even there. Or… I’m not.

I feel detached from reality. In some ways it’s good, I feel a spark of hope and peace, and in other ways… In other ways I just feel alone, isolated even from myself.

I give in to the lull of the music, and let it pull me away, to a place where even my drifting thoughts are okay. And there’s a hope for finding peace.

Grip Experience

I’ve been in the grip lately. My little pesky inferior comes out to play at the most inconvenient of times, and I find myself wishing I had an easy way to shut it down.

This time, I’ve been obsessively looking at clothes online… and steampunk and medieval costumes.

Why?

I have no idea.

I suppose I should just embrace the randomness of it, and yet, it’s been a nuisance and distraction that keeps me from getting the things done that I need to be doing. Which, in turn, makes me more stressed, so I feel more overwhelmed and escape dysfunctionally even more.

Thankfully I haven’t actually been buying anything.

Maybe I should though. I think there’s a medieval fair in a few months. So maybe I should take it as a sign to go do something different. I’ve always been interested in the idea of going to one. It could be fun.

When we fall into the grip, should we just embrace it and let it happen? Let it run its course and play out until it’s out of energy and we collapse back into our more typical selves, or is resisting it better, ignoring it until it goes away?

I don’t have an answer. But I have to think that awareness of what’s going on is a step in the right direction.

How do you experience your inferior function? If you don’t know what it is, you can take a free MBTI quiz to find your type. I’d love to discuss it with you!

Has anyone else gone to a medieval fair? Worth it?