Drifting

This past weekend was a bit odd for me. Nothing seemed satisfying, anything we could do seemed boring. I suppose that’s what depression will do, it sucks the life and joy out of everything.

But I’m okay.

I haven’t always been during these times, but this time, I feel God keeping my head above the waves, and I’m not as drawn in.

God doesn’t always remove the storm, but His grace still keeps us afloat. Beyond our strength, or our understanding. God is faithful. And we may not always understand it, but He can hold us up and encourage and equip us even in the waves.

Choice

How many times have we fallen, only to get up stronger?

If we learn from our mistakes, if we choose to grow, rather than regret, failure doesn’t have to claim us the way it used to.

We don’t have to be defined by our pasts, or by our feelings. It’s easy to believe the lie that we do, but we don’t.

Each day is a gift, a new chance to begin again. To be who we want to be, rather than who we used to be.

Who will you choose to be today?

Believe Again

It’s a cloudy day today. I sit inside, grateful for the home I have, knowing that others are left outside in the cold… And I just want to do something that makes a difference.

Everything feels cloudy lately. Like this dark cloud is always hovering over me, threatening to break open and release a downpour of depression, anxiety, and uncertainty.

I want hope. I want to make a difference. My life sometimes feels trite and meaningless. And I wonder if anything I do even matters. I want to have a voice. I want to speak. I want to bring life, and love. And somehow, I keep coming up empty.

But maybe it’s the emptiness that will allow me to be filled. In the right time, when God knows that it’s right.

So I will rest and trust His grace. Even when His plan is not my own. And I will choose to remember what He’s done before, and know that He can do it again.

Because God is faithful, and He does not forget His children.

God Knows

Nothing’s impossible with God. His plans look different than our own. His time is not ours, but He is faithful.

He can move any mountain we face, and struggle we’re up against. He knows where we are, and if He’s allowing it, He has a purpose.

Our value isn’t wrapped up in what happens to us, our the way our lives look from the outside, or feel from the inside. Sometimes we walk through trials, so we can gain understanding for others.

We can’t speak life if we’re terrified of death. We can’t be a light, unless we’re surrounded by darkness.

God doesn’t want us to stay there forever, but maybe there’s a plan and purpose for a time.

We have to know the cold, in order to appreciate the warmth. Through everything, if we learn, rather than becoming bitter, God can heal and redeem. He can teach us, and help us grow.

Are we willing to submit to Him?

His plans are greater than our own. And He loves us, far more than we could ever love ourselves.

Peace

Today I’m feeling calm and reflective. My Se tugs at me, and I know it’s disrupting things, but I’m also feeling a little more content and accepting of it.

The future scares me. And I want to have hope, sometimes that’s hard. I know that God is greater than my feelings, He’s greater than my situation, and He’s still allowing it all, somehow, for my good.

I’m not sure of the path forward. I pray for direction, for wisdom, for guidance. And sometimes it feels as though God is silent. And sometimes, I see Him break through the clouds to reach down to me with His love. In those moments, I am so overwhelmingly grateful.

My God is greater. And I will choose to rest in His grace.

Morning Walks

For the past week or so my husband and I have been going for a walk first thing in the morning. I love starting my day that way, though it’s taken some adjustment to more actively interact before having quiet time alone.

This morning there was a chill in the air. I should have bundled up a bit more than I did, but the sun sprinkling through the trees brought so much joy to me. I love that we can share this with one another. Those peaceful, quiet moments in nature.

It’s interesting how it’s changed the tone of the day. I process things differently out loud than I do on paper, though I’m finding that sometimes, having the time outdoors to mull things over in my mind, or the freedom to talk with my husband, is actually helping me process in a different way. I’m not feeling as stuck or stagnant… In certain ways anyway.

And I think it’s also deepening our relationship. It’s also nice to know that we have time set aside to just be with each other every morning before the events of the day drain either of us or affect where we are.

Do you have morning rituals? How do you feel about walks, exercise, or nature first thing? I’d love to hear how you start your day. 🙂

Fair Se

This past weekend my husband and I went to a fair. I don’t do well with crowds, but I handled this surprisingly well and found I actually enjoyed it.

It was good to spend some time together, to go out and do something different, to share experiences, not just a tv show or a meal.

I’m realizing lately just how much my Se controls me. I can do this. I can’t do that. This thing is too much, that thing is not enough.

I don’t like it. But I’m also learning how to let it in without making all the decisions, yet still have a say.

I suppose it really is like a 3-year-old. You need limits and boundaries, but still need to acknowledge it as real, and valid, and valuable with its own thoughts and opinions and preferences.

But what I’m realizing too, is that as I’m allowing my Se to play, I’m feeling much more relaxed and enjoying things I wouldn’t have allowed myself to before. I think full integration of ourselves and our personalities is important to living a fulfilling life.

I’m still at the early stages I suppose, so I haven’t fully figured it out yet, but I’m learning, and progress is what matters.

Or it could just be that I still have a difficult time knowing my own feelings. Oh, the life of an INFJ.

Bad Reputation

I’m realizing lately that I have a fixation on maintaining a good reputation. I burn myself out trying to please and impress people I don’t even know or shouldn’t even care about.

I know it comes from how I grew up, so it’s deeply ingrained, and yet, it’s also highly destructive, and prevents me from connecting authentically with the people around me.

Which then leads to spirals of shame… Because I don’t want to be a fake person and I don’t want to push people away. I don’t want to be seen as fake. I also don’t want to be seen as weak. But it’s in our weaknesses and vulnerabilities that we can authentically connect with others.

I’m scared to be seen, because I already feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I suppose I fear rejection. Maybe we all do. But I don’t want to strive to have it all together. I want to be open that sometimes I’m broken, and that’s okay.

This blog has been a place I’ve felt free, and safe to share. Thank you for giving that to me. And thank you for being there.

In a world where I don’t belong, what does it mean to be real?

Cloudy Comfort

Mondays seem to be cloudy and rainy lately. I can’t say I mind… It’s nice to have an excuse to stay in and write or read, warm tea nearby, cozy sweaters while I can.

The problem is, my life feels like that. I can’t access my own thoughts or feelings, just like the sun is hidden behind the clouds, so too are any ideas I have hidden from me. And it’s an alarming, frustrating feeling.

And yet, there are good things too.

I’m learning that I need to let myself truly relax. No pressure. Just calm.

I’m learning that it’s okay to let go, to not be in control, to let things happen as they come.

I’m learning that I need to take the time I need for me, so that I can function at a better level for those around me.

I’m learning that it’s okay to not have all the answers. And it’s okay to let people think what they will of me. Fear of what other people will think has held me back for so long, and I need to stop being limited by that.

And so, even the stormy days have a purpose, each one is teaching me something new. I need to release my control, because I never had it in the first place, and all it does is hurt me (and others) when I try.

So today, I choose to let myself rest. I still feel the inner struggle, but I know I need space even for my body to physically recover.

What ways do you like to relax?