Beauty Despite…

Depression hangs above us like a dark cloud, but God is faithful, and He is faithful to bring something beautiful from it.

There were so many times that I asked God why He let me go through some of the things I have, and now, I’m beginning to understand that if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be able to understand others who have needed it. I was able to meet a need, not because I had it all together, but because I ad walked through darkness and suffering. Because I understood the pain they were feeling.

I wouldn’t have had that otherwise.

Lately I’ve had a hard time fully understanding my own thoughts and emotions, more so than usual. And in some ways I’m at peace about it, and some ways it makes me more anxious. But I’ve had moments of clarity. Moments where I can start to see beyond the clouds to a new day, to the light that shines through, persistent regardless of the darkness below. And I am so thankful for a God who is so completely faithful and kind.

Write To Heal

Another cloudy day. Another day inside with my thoughts. My cup of tea has once again grown cold as I’ve typed. It feels good to write again.

I’m not sure if anything I’m working on will go anywhere or not, but that’s not what matters. It’s a healing process for me to write it, whether or not anything else happens with it. And sometimes therapy writing is enough.

I feel a bit more stable, though broken in different ways. New clarity and understanding. I feel better able to trust God, to step back, to trust.

Worship music helps too. I’ve been letting it play in the background. It’s a faithful and steady reminder that my life is not my own, and anything happening has a greater purpose. And so I create.

I write to heal, to understand… I write to remind myself how far I’ve come, and the good things God has done.

I’m not exactly sure how I’m feeling, but I’m slowly being reminded again that regardless of how I feel, that doesn’t change the truth of who I am in Him.

No matter the cover of the clouds, nothing hides me from His sight. Writing cuts through those clouds, so they no longer hide Him from my sight either. And I know that someday, once again, I will be safe.

Holding It All Together

I can’t even tell you how often I fight for control. Control of how others view me. Control of how my life ends up.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve jumped in to save others, instead of just being there to listen and patiently understand.

But sometimes I’m tired of holding it all together. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay, that I’m not falling apart, that this life as I live it is something I’m content with. I have moments, but I want more.

With all my attempts to control the outcomes, I’ve lost sight of the true Anchor through my storms.

I’m not the savior. And I don’t have to have it all together. It’s okay to break. It’s okay to fall apart. And it’s okay to be content being where I am, knowing that seasons change and nothing lasts forever.

I want to appreciate every moment as it comes, without being thrown off track because I’m too busy trying to protect something that isn’t even mine to control.

God is our protector. He is our strength and our shield. And it’s time I step aside and allow Him to work, rather than pretending that I can hold it all together and make things right that are far too big for me to understand.

When I let go, and give Him control, He is always faithful to make something far more beautiful than I ever could. And He always leads us to grow.

Writing To Understand

Do you ever like to just stop and think? I’m an over-thinker by nature, but it’s enjoyable sometimes to just let my mind drift and see where I end up. This is why I’ve enjoyed writing I think. And why putting pen to page and seeing what story emerges has brought so much excitement.

But there’s more than that. It also brings insight. I find that when I sit down to write, the characters and situations that end up on the page, are some reflection of where I am.

Writing helps me understand.

It’s a way to capture all those thoughts before (as) they swirl around in my mind. A way to keep them in a space I can see, rather than being consumed by the waves.

But sometimes, I like to just let my mind wander freely, without the restraint of slowing down to put it on paper. These moments bring a different sort of clarity.

That said, I still often write those thoughts and ideas in some form afterwards. And then there’s the side of having something to look back on… I’ve hated writing old writings at times, and at others, they’ve brought so much understanding and clarity.

Do you like to let your thoughts drift? Do you write to understand? I’d love to hear your process.

Anything Could Happen

I have a quiet day at home alone today. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do with it, but I’m feeling peace at the possibilities. I feel like maybe I should play with art, I haven’t done that in a while. Maybe I’ll write some. Maybe I’ll do both.

There’s something comforting about unrestrained creativity. Going in without a plan and just seeing what happens.

I have music playing, which is almost always creatively inspiring. I don’t know where I’ll take it, or where I’ll go, but this is one area where the unknown brings joy instead of fear. And so, I’m going to embrace the opportunity to chase it.

How do you approach your creativity?

Depression Connection

This past weekend I had a group get together with some women at church. We gathered in a friend’s home, but afterwards, I ended up speaking with one of the women I don’t know as well. I shared with her about my depression, at least parts of it. She struggles with depression too. There was an unexpected comfort in sharing.

If we make it look like we have it all together, how many opportunities are we missing to connect with others who need it?

I’m feeling more at peace, a bit calmer. Our conversation changes my perspective some, though I’m not entirely sure yet what all it entails.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to connect. And I want relationships to go deeper. I don’t want depression to define me, but I don’t want hiding behind a smile to define me either.

I want to let people in, I’m afraid to be seen. Maybe these are thoughts everyone has, I’m not entirely sure. I can’t tell another person’s story, but I can share my own. And maybe those little moments of sharing are enough.

Have you found connection with others by sharing your struggles? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experience.

At It Again

It’s a dark and rainy day today. We’ve had a lot of those lately. I suppose it’s just that time of year.

This morning I woke up well before the sun, which I suppose didn’t want to crawl out of the covers today either. But I did.

I feel restful, relaxed, and anxious all at the same time. Isn’t that how it works? We get so caught up in emotions that they blur together and don’t make sense anymore.

This undercurrent of anxiety isn’t what I want today. I want to be able to focus on my own projects, and I have a pile of work that’s growing ever larger. Sometimes I fear I’ll never catch up and catch my breath.

I’m hoping that this coming week can be a little more organized. So many deadlines. They’re sneaking up on me. But I’m tired of living my life this way. Racing after one deadline then the next.

In this moment, I’m taking a step back, boiling some water for tea, then I’ll get back to work.

What are you up to today?

Get Back Up

One day blends into another and I’m left racing to catch up. I take a breath, step back, wait, listen. But it doesn’t seem to do any good.

It’s only when I release control that I’m able to find peace. It’s only in trusting God, the Author and Maker of everything that I’m able to find rest.

I don’t know what the future holds. And it’s a scary thought sometimes. But I do know one thing, and that is that God is faithful. He is always faithful. And He often protects us in ways we can’t immediately see or understand.

Even if He allows us to trip and fall, He will still pick us back up and lift us higher than we were before. We’re strengthened by the falls, strengthened by the rise. And this is why I get back up again, because my God is greater than anything I may face in life.

Clouded

My mind is foggy, clouded by all the things I can’t let go. I’ve been in a waking dream the past two days. It’s like I never fully woke up and dream logic is still tainting everything I see.

I hover here, just beneath the surface, unsure of who I am, where I am, or how, exactly, I’m supposed to move forward.

Fortunately, I recently wrapped up most of what I absolutely need to do at the moment, so no hugely pressing deadlines. I dread checking my email in case other work things pop up, but it’s okay to take a break and let my mind rest.

I say that as I try to convince myself, because I feel like I’m always falling behind, never sure how to catch up, or what that would even look like or mean. I overthink things, constantly. And I worry far too much about what others will think.

Right now though, my brain makes the decision for me, I couldn’t focus even if I tried. And so for now, I walk in a waking daydream, clouded by other worlds that entrap me, and I wonder if I will ever find escape.

Do you have days like that? Days where your mind just isn’t with you and you’re caught in dreams from the night before? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.