I feel frustrated, locked in, limited, restrained. There have been so many no’s, I know there are a few steps forward, but it seems that each one still leaves me looking back. And I’m not sure what I’m “allowed” to do, or think, or dream.
I know this is based on a distorted view of God. And I feel like I shouldn’t be stuck in this place anymore, which only adds to the shame and self-condemnation. Maybe God’s asking me to just be still and know that He is God. Maybe He’s asking me to take a step forward in faith, even though I cannot see. And yet, I’m unable to discern the truth in this moment.
I know that God is faithful, and I know that someday things will change, I know that every small step is a step in the right direction, and I know that even in the silence I am called to trust. I just want a higher calling. I want something that matters.
Having a voice, and having a purpose is so important to me. It isn’t about needing to be seen, exactly, though I don’t really want to be fully invisible. It’s more that I just want something to work for. I want a reason and hope for a future. I want to have the faith and trust that a future I could be satisfied with exists.
Right now, I feel like I’m stuck between who I was and who I’m going to be. I just want to feel like my life has purpose.
Part of what it is is that I feel like I’m too broken and messed up. That I feel I’m not allowed to exist. That I missed my chance and disappointed God, and so now I’m not allowed to have a voice. I know this is a false view. I know this isn’t truth. And yet, I find myself believing the lies anyway.
This is not what God does. This is what the abusers did. Why do I still fall into this trap, where I project them onto God? Why do I judge God, and myself, based on people who never loved either of us? People who were never capable of love at all.
This is where I need to take my eyes off the storm, off my fears, and start looking to God.