Stand

A lot has happened over the course of the past few weeks. I feel shifts and changes, and I find myself more at peace than I often am. Things like this bring reassurance and a deep inner knowing that God is at work in my life and my heart.

As many of you know, I find myself struggling with anxiety quite often. I don’t want to be dictated by my fear. I don’t want my future defined by my limitations. I’ve realized just how much I often get in my own way. So often, I am what gets between me and God. Everything’s all about me, and my limited perspective, my own fears and insecurities.

I’m realizing that insecurity is not the same as humility. Quite the opposite, in fact. There have been more times I haven’t followed a prompting from God because I was so stuck on feeling unqualified than times that I was willing to trust despite not feeling ready. Who am I to say I’m incapable something if God calls me to it?

It reminds me of Moses, when he also didn’t feel like he was able to speak on behalf of God and His people. God is faithful to provide another… but sometimes, we’re called to be like Esther. God wants us, wholly and fully committed, am I willing? It isn’t about whether or not I feel able, He does the equipping. I can’t power through in my own strength. I’ve tried that, and failed.

I want to stand confident in Christ and confident in who God made me to be. I don’t want to waiver in my faith, I don’t want to be overcome by my doubting, I don’t want to sink beneath the waves. I feel Him preparing my heart and helping me to trust. I don’t have to fight this battle alone.

I stand strong and secure, not because of anything of my own doing, but because I stand with Him. I am not alone. And we are never alone, whether through the deepest seas or the driest desert, God is with us, and He is faithful. He makes our path straight, even when we’ve veered off course, and He calms the winds and the waves. I choose Him over my fear. I choose Him over everything. And He is always faithful.

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Weekend Cleaning

A long weekend is an introvert’s dream. We haven’t had any extra outings or get togethers this weekend, we’ve spent some awesome time together and it’s been so nice to just relax! I’d say this is the best weekend we’ve had in a long time.

I’ve realized so many things lately. Like how much better I feel when I take care of myself, and when I actually get dressed (and in clothes that make me feel good about myself). I’ve been so thankful to see how far God has brought my husband and I in the past year. Sometimes it doesn’t seem/feel like much, but it really is.

This sprint we’re focusing on getting our life in order. This means eating healthier meals, exercising, and cleaning up around the house. I can’t even tell you how much of a relief it is to have a clean place to live.

Yesterday afternoon we cleared out a ton of clothing clutter and everything we have now fits in the closet! I’m so happy. I don’t quite have a capsule wardrobe (wanting to work towards it), though I did put spring/summer clothes away, and we even ended up with two large bags of clothing we’ll no longer wear to donate. What a weight lifted!

I can’t find my sweater though… So that’s the one thing that’s bugging me. Oh well, I’ll find it eventually. As long as I didn’t accidentally donate it…

How have you spent your long weekend?

Eclipse

We weren’t in the path of totality, but we did get to witness the partial solar eclipse through a Cheerios box. The funny thing is, if I hadn’t known about the eclipse taking place right above me, I wouldn’t have known it was different from any other day where the clouds obscure the sun.

Even though I didn’t see the full eclipse, it still got me thinking. Sometimes our doubts and fears block our vision of the light, but it never stops shining. Just because something is blocking the light, doesn’t mean the light is dimmed or any less strong and powerful than it is without that barrier.

I don’t always see or feel God working in my life, but that doesn’t mean He’s silent. Last week was really hard for me, I’m coming out of some of that depression now, and strangely, this eclipse has helped with it. Even when my vision is obscured, I will choose to trust the One who lights the world with His light, and His light can never be dimmed or shaken, even if we can’t see it, and even if we don’t notice Him at work in our lives.

I know this post isn’t very well put together, but that’s okay. I feel a spark of hope again, I feel a stronger/better ability to trust God that His light shines even when I’m blinded by my own darkness.

Did you see the eclipse today? What was the experience like for you?

Drown Out

Last week was really difficult for me. I fell back into a depression after some ugly issues came crashing down on me once again. I’m torn between wanting to hope and have faith that the future will be something to look forward to, and not wanting to dare hope for fear that if I do, I’ll only be left sorely disappointed and disillusioned.

I have yet to find a true balance between my introversion and depression. What are my actual needs for peace and solitude, and what are the self-isolating desires of low self-worth? Some weeks are easier than others, there are times when I’m fully happy with my life, but more often than not, I’m caught in a struggle against my fears and anxiety.

I know I need people, I need friendships, I want to reach out and be engaged with others. Though I also deeply value authenticity and genuinely sharing where I’m at in life, and I don’t want to bring everyone down.

When I’m caught in the grip of that depression, I have a hard time finding meaning in anything. I stop writing, I stop trying, and I feel even worse about myself for it. Sometimes I peek out over the waves, and I manage to catch my breath. It’s like for that moment, I can see that there’s more above the water than the suffocation underneath.

I want to have hope again. I want to find meaning and purpose. I feel like so many of my hopes and dreams have been shattered, but I don’t want to live life barely alive. I keep saying this, and there comes a time where I need to be honest… My life hasn’t really been changing. I’ve been stuck and stagnant for far too long now, without any motivation left within me to even try holding myself up.

But maybe my trust is misplaced. Maybe I’ve been trying so hard in my own power to be strong, and ignoring the fact that God is the only one who can give me strength. Even when it feels like He’s silent, even when He waits, and asks me to wait even more, He still has a plan and a purpose even if I cannot see it. He’s still working behind the scenes, changing things in ways that I may not be able to see. Am I willing to trust Him in that? Or is my faith based merely on my ability to power through and live “the good life”?

I don’t want to have a partial faith. I want to live whole and complete. Not lacking any of these good things. I don’t want to live my life lukewarm, never really committing to anything because I’m too afraid of everything. How long will I allow my fear to shape and define me? How long will I run from the One who gives me meaning?

I’m tired of fighting. But mostly, I’m tired of fighting this battle alone. I’m weak and I’m weary. And the encouragement in that, when I can fully acknowledge just how weak and powerless I am, is that I serve a God whose strength is made perfect in weakness, a God who holds all power and authority in His hands and in His control. I need to be willing to trust in His timing, even when that timing is not my own. His truth drowns out the noise of my storm. Instead of drowning in my mess, I’ll choose to drown in His mercy and trust His love and truth.

Organization

I love organized days. There’s something so satisfying and fulfilling about having a plan with allotted time for both necessary and and enjoyable activities. I’ve felt so overwhelmed lately with everything that’s been piling up on my plate. I haven’t done any of them well because I’ve been so torn between tasks that I’m caught in an eternal jumping from one to the next without making any progress in any one area. Today, that changes.

There are about 20 weeks left in the year. If I dedicate 2-3 weeks on specifically focused tasks, I’d be able to complete 7-10 larger things by the end of the year. That gives me hope. Maybe my goals aren’t totally unreachable. I just need to be willing to be dedicated and diligent to commit to getting things done.

I’m currently working on a list of what I want those “things” to be. Some are larger than others, some have strict deadlines that are creeping up on me faster than I can even think about them. But maybe it will work. If nothing else, it’s worth a try? I’m excited to try this new method!

Time

Time passes so quickly. It seems that one month races into another faster than I can even catch a good glance at it. We have five months left in the year. What are we going to do with it?

This past week has been filled with ups and downs, but there’s a calmness and certainty there that isn’t always. Some things have happened that would normally send me spinning into fear and anxiety, but this time, it made me think, and I just found myself being so thankful and grateful for how far God has brought me in the past year.

Time passes so slowly when we’re living in the day to day struggles. It’s easy to lose sight of how things are changing around us, until we look back, that is when we see how far we’ve really come, even when it feels we’ve only been treading water, just trying to stay alive.

God is faithful. Through it all, He will always be faithful.

Today’s Happenings

Ah, another lovely rainy day. 🙂 It feels like it’s been a long time since we’ve had one, it’s been quite dry lately. I love days like this. And, fortunately, this Monday is a bit more low-key than last week.

It’s much cooler too, which is nice. I think I’m going to spend the rest of the day doing some baking and housework. I neglect the housework  way more often than I ought too. I just always seem to have so many more “important” things to do. Ironically, I hate clutter, so it really doesn’t help much.

What are you up to on this Monday?