Maybe There Is No Answer

Lately I’ve questioned so many things about myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m moving forward, sometimes I feel I’m falling backward.

I’m still struggling with a life that looks nothing like I thought it would. Then I feel bad about myself for not just being thankful for the life I do have.

Feelings come and feelings go. They’re important, but they aren’t everything. I’m just not sure how to navigate around them when these things are so strong, and so many other things are pushing so hard against me.

Not against me, just around me. And I’m easily overwhelmed.

I don’t know what the future holds. And I’m struggling with that place in between. This season has felt like it’s dragged on forever. It’s been so many years, seemingly wasted in waiting.

I don’t want to live my life on hold. But I don’t know what life I could be moving into. I find myself here. Is this it? Is this really all there is?

Maybe there’s more. I struggle with comparisons, thinking that everyone else has things that I want. And they do. But that doesn’t mean it looks the way I imagine it to, and it doesn’t mean that’s the life they desired, even if it was the one that I wanted.

That seems to be one of the great injustices of life, that none of us get to choose the path we take.

But maybe I’m just playing the victim.

We do have choices. We do have a say… Up to a point.

Maybe it’s a blessing that we don’t plan our futures. Maybe we don’t have the context to make the right decisions.

I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know where I am or what’s happening. And I’m tired of trying to figure it all out.

Overwhelmed

I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. Say the same things over and over again. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, or if this is just normal and to be expected.

I take on too much, then I feel overwhelmed and upset with all the expectations I’ve created in those around me. I agree to do more than I have the energy to do, then beat myself up for not being stronger.

It isn’t about strength, it’s about energy, and right now, I have very little. Especially when I’m stressed and overwhelmed, it just makes the problems worse.

Wanting to just step away and escape for a bit.

What I Want

It’s a stormy day today, just the perfect kind of day to stay indoors and write. I’ve been far too busy lately, busy doing nothing, busy on busywork that just leaves me drained and without the mental or emotional energy to do anything else.

Have you ever been in such an introvert drain that you can’t even handle reading or watching tv because of the “social interaction”? It’s too much peopling.

As an INFJ, maybe just as a human, I need purpose in life. I want a deeper purpose, not just showing up to work on time and having some human interaction.

A friend asked me the other day what I want. This was when I was talking about being drained and overwhelmed with my current work load and responsibilities.

And I couldn’t answer. My mind has been so cluttered and filled with useless (not fun) nonsense that I couldn’t even honestly look at my own thoughts or feelings. The peopling and the obligations had (have) grown so great that I don’t even have the mental or emotional ability to assess my own life.

I needed that reminder, and her encouragement to step back. This isn’t working.

Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I think the main things I want are freedom and creativity.

I still have more processing to do, so this might be an impulsive answer, but it’s a start.

I’ve felt so creatively dry lately, and I think it takes a toll on me in every way. I haven’t had the chance to just sit down and create anything for myself in so long. I’ve had work things, but even those are mostly busywork that keeps me distracted from doing anything I actually care about.

A while ago I sat down and wrote down exactly what I wanted. Of course it was in a vague and abstract way, but those three categories still hold true, and I think I’ve lost sight of them.

The struggle to swim and save ourselves only makes drowning come more quickly. And maybe to others too.

I don’t want to live my life this way anymore. Something needs to change. I’m just not sure what that looks like yet.

Monday Morning Blues

It’s a Monday morning.  Normally I actually like Mondays. The beginning of a new week, a fresh start. But this week, I just feel off.

As I went to plan my week, I just can’t make sense of not having my writing group. When something’s been there for years, to have it just be gone (and unexpectedly), is just… I don’t know how to make sense of it. I’m confused. I’m a bit sad.

My husband isn’t having a good start to his day either, that makes me worry about him. I love him, and I don’t want to be without him. I want him to be okay. But just a short time in, and this new job is already putting a lot of strain and pressure on both of us. This isn’t sustainable long term.

Maybe not having the group will give me the space to focus on other things. But I’m still sad. I feel directionless today as a stand in a fog of confusion. A busy week ahead, and I just want a moment for everything to slow down. I miss the freedom I used to have, yet find myself constrained by mourning the loss of a group that only added to my plate.

Feelings are confusing.

I don’t want to spend my life looking back. But sometimes the anxiety is too hard to cut through and it feels impossible to see a future.

Isolation To Heal

I’m lonely. I feel isolated from the people around me, dynamics have changed, and I’m not quite sure where I belong anymore. I know this might not be forever, I know it could be a season, or a phase, but it’s slowly been wearing me down. I haven’t felt like doing anything, and so for the most part, I don’t.

I’m tired. Exhaustion has become a regular part of my waking life. All I want to do is rest, but I keep pushing myself ahead, afraid to stop, because if I do, I fear I might never get up again.

Self-care is hard. It’s a lonely and isolating experience right now. There’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and right now I’m experiencing a deep sense of separation.

It’s a trigger for me too. I think that makes it harder to manage. During the worst times, isolation from friends and family was very present. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to look at it, or relive it. And I’m feeling right now like maybe I need to revisit those feelings. Not from the place I was, but to go back and enter into my feelings and the world I lived in. Reading old journals and revisit old pieces of artwork. I opened up a file the other day, and as I looked through, I just started crying. It all comes back so vividly.

And yet.

And yet doing that, looking back over where I’ve been, even for a moment, stirred something in me. And I wonder if maybe it’s time to open those wounds and look at things again, from a safe place, and write through it. Maybe this is the healing and closure I need. Maybe this time, the loneliness and separation can serve as a path to my healing. Time alone to process without needing to take care of others. Time to mourn the losses, time to grieve what used to be me.

My husband’s still here, and our relationship is better than ever. I don’t see him nearly as much as I’d like. But maybe this is what God has for us for this season. A time and the space that breaks me apart and allows me to change and heal in a new way, so even our relationship can become even stronger.

Changes are hard. Isolation is real. Sometimes we’re broken, so we can learn to feel.

I’ve been numb for so long. I’m tired of the apathy, but I don’t want to walk through the pain. I want to just be happy, and live a good life, enjoying the good things, and being thankful for every day.

I’m no longer drowning, but on the rocky shore.

Some of the isolation I’ve put on myself, some reaches far deeper. Either way, I need to stop resisting the pain, and stop resisting the healing. Sometimes the only way out is through. And maybe it’s time I walk through these flames.

“Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.” – Isaiah 48:10

“But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” – Job 23:10

Our God is faithful, and I need to trust that He still has a plan.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains– where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” – Psalm 121:1-2

Struggling

I’m struggling. As much as I love having time to myself, with my husband’s new schedule, I find myself getting depressed again and slipping into panic. I think on some level being alone for long stretches of time is a trigger for me. But I suppose that’s another story for a different day.

I’m lonely. Incredibly lonely. I can’t help but compare to other people, and to let my mind go crazy on “if only…” statements. Why can’t I just be happy with the things I do have, rather than comparing with all the things I don’t have?

This work situation will probably not last forever, but it’s the waiting for it to change that I’m struggling with. I feel like I’m trapped in the one day after another, rushing them by, waiting for Sunday only so I can dread Monday.

And the company’s talked about month long trips to focus more specifically on work. I don’t know that I can do that. My husband and I have talked about it. He sees it as something he needs to do just for a couple years, but it’s hard waiting even for that when we’re right at the beginning.

I know that God is faithful. And I know that He will provide a way when there seems to be no way. There could be worse things than just work overwhelming me, after all, everyone has to deal with it on some level.

I want more out of life. I don’t want to be stuck in this rut, late nights and early mornings, one day siphoned into the next.

Stressed Sensory Experience of Se

When I’m stressed I tend to feel a strong sensory overwhelm/overload. I’ve noticed that this feeds into my anxiety. Sometimes people talk about grounding as a way to connect with your surroundings and your own body, but what about when the very act of doing that is too overwhelming to do any good?

Inferior Se. I thank you.

As an INFJ I struggle with my inferior Se a lot. I’m better able to notice it now than I was. And I like to think that I have a pretty solid grasp of it. But sometimes, it just sneaks up behind me and attacks.

Any other INFJ’s feel this way? It’s like all the stress and anxiety in life catches up to us, and just then our little Se decides to spazz out. This sweater’s too tight, your socks aren’t even, the room’s too cold, did you brush your teeth this morning, I can’t eat sugar it’s too sweet! These are just a few of the things it likes to say.

I can see it as a voice, but it’s also a feeling, a very sensory experience that becomes heightened and I just want to get away. A nice dark room by myself would be lovely please. People? Oh no! I don’t want to be around people, that means noise, and conversation, and too many moving objects to look at.

I savor and enjoy my times alone. It’s funny, my husband works from home and I find that even having him in the same house can sometimes feel draining. I love him so much, but there really is a difference in having the house to oneself.

I’m sorry, I’ve really gotten totally off track and I’m rambling again.

Another thing I notice is that I skip eating when I’m stressed or anxious about something. This leads to even more physical sensations (hunger, dizziness, nausea), that leave me feeling more overwhelmed. I need to take better care of myself. Here are a few things I’ve found helpful.

1. If possible, find a quiet place where you can be alone, unobserved. Close your eyes and just breathe.
2. Check for obvious physical sensations that you can manage/control, and see if there’s something you’re neglecting. Often for me, I find that I’ve waiting too long to eat, or that I feel the need to brush my hair or my teeth.
3. Accept that these things happen. It’s okay to be hyper-aware of the environment, it isn’t really as scary or dangerous as it seems. Give yourself some grace.

Do you feel overwhelmed and not yourself when stress comes? What methods have you found to be helpful in managing an inferior function?

Burnout

This past week has been so mentally and emotionally draining. I’m finding myself getting irritated even with my own company. It’s time for introvert time and a break.

Earlier I went for a nice little walk by myself. The pretty colored leaves on the trees and around me where like stepping into another world where all my cares could drift away on the wind.

Now I’m enjoying some time writing with a cup of hot cocoa and music playing in the background. Windows open for that fresh autumn air.

We don’t always control what we have to do in life or what comes our way, but we can honor ourselves and the time that we need to step away and recharge.

Sometimes we think it’s selfish to take the time we need to ourselves, but the reality is that everyone (ourselves, and those around us) wins when we fill ourselves up so we have something left to give.

This weekend, take the time you need to rest and recharge. Your mind and body will thank you for it.

Black Friday

Image Found On Facebook

I’ve never understood the concept of Black Friday. Aside from the above, the idea of sitting outside waiting for hours to go shopping in hordes of people never made sense to me. That’s one of those things that I would do practically anything to be able to avoid.

Maybe it’s the introversion, or maybe it’s something else. I’ve never been too into shopping (except for a few select items), and when I do go, I try to avoid the crowds as much as possible, planning my trips out during a time when most are at work or something of the sort.

Heck, I won’t even go down an aisle half the time if someone else is in it, let alone a store full of people. Too much stress. Inferior Se overload much? I think yes.

I’m the one you’ll find dodging through the store, taking the long way around, or aimlessly staring at a single shelf or item until my desired aisle clears out and it’s safe to go lurking.

Okay, I sound like an social-anxiety-ridden stalker… And maybe in some ways I am.

I just don’t get it. I don’t think the sales would ever be enough to convince me to go through that. And, as the image said… Only in America would we go shopping for more the day after being thankful for what we already have.

Maybe we should reconsider the topic, or be a little more truly grateful for the things we have. Why the fixation on things, anyway? Aren’t there so many more valuable things in life?

I don’t know. These are just my thoughts on the matter.

Do you like to go Black Friday shopping? If so, is there something more to it that I’m just not getting? I’d love to hear about your experience (or thoughts, good or bad) in the comments!

Have a good one!