Last week was really difficult for me. I fell back into a depression after some ugly issues came crashing down on me once again. I’m torn between wanting to hope and have faith that the future will be something to look forward to, and not wanting to dare hope for fear that if I do, I’ll only be left sorely disappointed and disillusioned.
I have yet to find a true balance between my introversion and depression. What are my actual needs for peace and solitude, and what are the self-isolating desires of low self-worth? Some weeks are easier than others, there are times when I’m fully happy with my life, but more often than not, I’m caught in a struggle against my fears and anxiety.
I know I need people, I need friendships, I want to reach out and be engaged with others. Though I also deeply value authenticity and genuinely sharing where I’m at in life, and I don’t want to bring everyone down.
When I’m caught in the grip of that depression, I have a hard time finding meaning in anything. I stop writing, I stop trying, and I feel even worse about myself for it. Sometimes I peek out over the waves, and I manage to catch my breath. It’s like for that moment, I can see that there’s more above the water than the suffocation underneath.
I want to have hope again. I want to find meaning and purpose. I feel like so many of my hopes and dreams have been shattered, but I don’t want to live life barely alive. I keep saying this, and there comes a time where I need to be honest… My life hasn’t really been changing. I’ve been stuck and stagnant for far too long now, without any motivation left within me to even try holding myself up.
But maybe my trust is misplaced. Maybe I’ve been trying so hard in my own power to be strong, and ignoring the fact that God is the only one who can give me strength. Even when it feels like He’s silent, even when He waits, and asks me to wait even more, He still has a plan and a purpose even if I cannot see it. He’s still working behind the scenes, changing things in ways that I may not be able to see. Am I willing to trust Him in that? Or is my faith based merely on my ability to power through and live “the good life”?
I don’t want to have a partial faith. I want to live whole and complete. Not lacking any of these good things. I don’t want to live my life lukewarm, never really committing to anything because I’m too afraid of everything. How long will I allow my fear to shape and define me? How long will I run from the One who gives me meaning?
I’m tired of fighting. But mostly, I’m tired of fighting this battle alone. I’m weak and I’m weary. And the encouragement in that, when I can fully acknowledge just how weak and powerless I am, is that I serve a God whose strength is made perfect in weakness, a God who holds all power and authority in His hands and in His control. I need to be willing to trust in His timing, even when that timing is not my own. His truth drowns out the noise of my storm. Instead of drowning in my mess, I’ll choose to drown in His mercy and trust His love and truth.