Eclipse

We weren’t in the path of totality, but we did get to witness the partial solar eclipse through a Cheerios box. The funny thing is, if I hadn’t known about the eclipse taking place right above me, I wouldn’t have known it was different from any other day where the clouds obscure the sun.

Even though I didn’t see the full eclipse, it still got me thinking. Sometimes our doubts and fears block our vision of the light, but it never stops shining. Just because something is blocking the light, doesn’t mean the light is dimmed or any less strong and powerful than it is without that barrier.

I don’t always see or feel God working in my life, but that doesn’t mean He’s silent. Last week was really hard for me, I’m coming out of some of that depression now, and strangely, this eclipse has helped with it. Even when my vision is obscured, I will choose to trust the One who lights the world with His light, and His light can never be dimmed or shaken, even if we can’t see it, and even if we don’t notice Him at work in our lives.

I know this post isn’t very well put together, but that’s okay. I feel a spark of hope again, I feel a stronger/better ability to trust God that His light shines even when I’m blinded by my own darkness.

Did you see the eclipse today? What was the experience like for you?

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Drown Out

Last week was really difficult for me. I fell back into a depression after some ugly issues came crashing down on me once again. I’m torn between wanting to hope and have faith that the future will be something to look forward to, and not wanting to dare hope for fear that if I do, I’ll only be left sorely disappointed and disillusioned.

I have yet to find a true balance between my introversion and depression. What are my actual needs for peace and solitude, and what are the self-isolating desires of low self-worth? Some weeks are easier than others, there are times when I’m fully happy with my life, but more often than not, I’m caught in a struggle against my fears and anxiety.

I know I need people, I need friendships, I want to reach out and be engaged with others. Though I also deeply value authenticity and genuinely sharing where I’m at in life, and I don’t want to bring everyone down.

When I’m caught in the grip of that depression, I have a hard time finding meaning in anything. I stop writing, I stop trying, and I feel even worse about myself for it. Sometimes I peek out over the waves, and I manage to catch my breath. It’s like for that moment, I can see that there’s more above the water than the suffocation underneath.

I want to have hope again. I want to find meaning and purpose. I feel like so many of my hopes and dreams have been shattered, but I don’t want to live life barely alive. I keep saying this, and there comes a time where I need to be honest… My life hasn’t really been changing. I’ve been stuck and stagnant for far too long now, without any motivation left within me to even try holding myself up.

But maybe my trust is misplaced. Maybe I’ve been trying so hard in my own power to be strong, and ignoring the fact that God is the only one who can give me strength. Even when it feels like He’s silent, even when He waits, and asks me to wait even more, He still has a plan and a purpose even if I cannot see it. He’s still working behind the scenes, changing things in ways that I may not be able to see. Am I willing to trust Him in that? Or is my faith based merely on my ability to power through and live “the good life”?

I don’t want to have a partial faith. I want to live whole and complete. Not lacking any of these good things. I don’t want to live my life lukewarm, never really committing to anything because I’m too afraid of everything. How long will I allow my fear to shape and define me? How long will I run from the One who gives me meaning?

I’m tired of fighting. But mostly, I’m tired of fighting this battle alone. I’m weak and I’m weary. And the encouragement in that, when I can fully acknowledge just how weak and powerless I am, is that I serve a God whose strength is made perfect in weakness, a God who holds all power and authority in His hands and in His control. I need to be willing to trust in His timing, even when that timing is not my own. His truth drowns out the noise of my storm. Instead of drowning in my mess, I’ll choose to drown in His mercy and trust His love and truth.

Organization

I love organized days. There’s something so satisfying and fulfilling about having a plan with allotted time for both necessary and and enjoyable activities. I’ve felt so overwhelmed lately with everything that’s been piling up on my plate. I haven’t done any of them well because I’ve been so torn between tasks that I’m caught in an eternal jumping from one to the next without making any progress in any one area. Today, that changes.

There are about 20 weeks left in the year. If I dedicate 2-3 weeks on specifically focused tasks, I’d be able to complete 7-10 larger things by the end of the year. That gives me hope. Maybe my goals aren’t totally unreachable. I just need to be willing to be dedicated and diligent to commit to getting things done.

I’m currently working on a list of what I want those “things” to be. Some are larger than others, some have strict deadlines that are creeping up on me faster than I can even think about them. But maybe it will work. If nothing else, it’s worth a try? I’m excited to try this new method!