From The Fog

One thought turns to another and soon we’re spiraling and crippled by doubt. I don’t want to live in fear anymore. I’ve recently taken a stand in some things that I was previously completely destroyed by and caught up in. We often underestimate the power relationships have over us, but it was relationships that destroyed me, and relationships that saved me.

I’ve been clinging to the wrong things thinking that they could save me, but in the end, I’m still responsible for me, and they’re responsible for them. I can’t do anything to change that. But I do need to stop taking responsibility for things I shouldn’t and start taking responsibility for the things I should.

I’ve felt trapped, like I didn’t have a choice. And I don’t even know why. I look at it and see how messed up the situation’s been. I don’t see any way that anyone could justify it, and yet, I have, and I still continue to sometimes. I’m not bound by it anymore, but I’m still tempted to go back sometimes.

I think that’s what bothers me most. I see the truth, and yet, in this, I don’t know how to live by it. I don’t live according to my values in this one area, and it tears me apart. I’ll learn eventually. I know I will. It’s the in between time that’s the most challenging.

Someday I hope to look back on this with gratitude, because this has changed who I am. How I view myself and how I view others. There’s been a lot of negative, but I’m starting to see the positive. It’s in the deepest depths that we begin to grow.

Protector

God is our protector. As an INFJ (titled protector on some sites), that attribute resonates with me deeply. This life can be scary, storms hit and we don’t always know what to do. We can’t always see past the waves, and sometimes it feels like we’re just inevitably going under. God is faithful through it all. He keeps our eyes above the waves and helps to see us through the storms.

All we have to do is keep our eyes on Him and He will be our refuge from the storm. He gives us peace that passes all understanding, even when I am undeserving. We can walk safe and secure, knowing God has our time in His hands. I am so thankful to have a protector who loves me through it all. Our lives aren’t determined by the wind and the waves, but by the power of His grace.

Calligraphy

My husband got me a calligraphy pen and some ink for Christmas. I played with it a little when I first got it, but then I set it aside until this past week.

I had some pens when I was a teen, but I didn’t do much with them. They had the refillable ink things and I was afraid of “wasting” all the ink. So… I didn’t use them at all.

Now that I’ve been reading about it, I had no idea how complicated it is! Light strokes up, hard strokes down. Write with your shoulder. (What does that even mean??) So anyway, I’ve been trying the whole write with your shoulder thing. I realized that my typical way to write was with my fingers and forearm. Okay, could be worse. But then I started the whole shoulder thing and now I’m writing with my wrists! And they hurt!

Is there any way to unlearn this nasty habit? I’m hoping that since it’s only been about a week it won’t be something that sticks around, but let’s face it, I write with a pen on a daily basis, it might be tough to quit.

Have you ever tried calligraphy? Any helpful tips?

Releasing Control

I’m not okay, and I’m learning to let that be okay. Storms seem to hit and I’m worn out. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep trying to keep things in balance, I can’t continue to fight for control, it isn’t benefiting me anyway.

Sometimes the harder we hold on, the more desperately we try, the further we get from the things we say we want. Do I trust God enough to let go? Do I fully trust that He is fully and completely in control, that I don’t need to be?

I’m struggling, but the worst part is, in many ways I’ve chosen to bear this weight alone all the while He’s been reaching out, offering to take it from me, and I wouldn’t let go. I’d pridefully fight for control, fighting for a responsibility that was too great for me to handle.

Is this what was needed for me to let go? Why do I strive so much for perfection when I know in this world it is never possible? Why do I fight for control, knowing that I’m incapable of even saving myself? Why do I wait so long to surrender and accept the saving grace of a loving and powerful Savior?

I think I want to have it all together, and I want to be able to say that I did it on my own. But it’s less about that than it is about not trusting that He’s strong enough to carry me through. As if I’m just left to struggle through alone… But it isn’t because He isn’t there, it’s because I refuse to let Him in. And I’m tired of living that way. I’m tired of taking on responsibility because I don’t trust anyone else to handle it. I’m sick of the pride, sick of the loneliness, sick of the pain.

I’m tired. And I’m finally beginning to learn what it means to rest in Him.

God’s Love Is Patient

“Love is patient…”

I’ve always found it interesting that in First Corinthians the first “love is…” statement is that love is patient. I’m a VERY impatient person. I like having everything situated when it’s supposed to be situated, and I don’t like waiting around. I don’t like making others wait either.

But love is patient. And God is love. So God is also patient.

It’s taken me a long time to reach that realization, that God is patient. But through some trials, and some intense periods of waiting in my own life, I’ve come to know and experience the truth of it. God really is patient with us. With me.

Sometimes He makes us wait for things when we want them right away, sometimes the answer is no and we get frustrated with Him for not just answering our prayers right now and right this way. But He is perfect, His way is perfect, and He is a shield to all who trust in Him. Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength. And He is faithful.

I’ve been so caught up in all the ways I’ve been waiting for God to move in my life, that I’ve forgotten to just be thankful for how patient He is as He waits around for me, waiting for me to come back to Him, waiting for me to love Him, and receive His love for me. I haven’t always been able to accept it, but I want to.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. And I am so incredibly thankful that God is patient with me, and never gives up on me, even when I take my dear sweet time to work through it. So often we wonder where God is in our struggle, yet we miss that we struggle with things He’s already asked us to hand over to Him. He wants to bless us, but we don’t always let Him.

I’m thankful for His love today, and I’m thankful for His incredible patience that extends far beyond what I can even imagine.

When The Answers Don’t Come

The past few days have approached me with some tricky decisions. I haven’t been sure of which path I should take, and which way I should go. God has the answers, even when I don’t, though I’m not always the best at going to Him first. Sometimes I wait until it’s too late and I’m in too deep.

This time, I’ve been blessed with answers. Though I’m sure there will again come times where the same question is faced. Maybe I’ll have different answers then, but that’s not something I need to worry about right now. All we have is this moment, nothing else is guaranteed.

I am so incredibly grateful for the answers I’ve received, but what about those times when an answer never comes?

Those times are the times that God allows us to know just how strong we really are. He uses those times to help us to grow, and to show His grace and mercy even through the pain.

Sometimes the answers don’t come. I think that’s the real test, are we willing to trust Him anyway? Are we willing to walk by faith, even when we cannot see?

A Peaceful Saturday

I’m enjoying a relaxing Saturday morning, I love those cloudy rainy days where there’s no pressure and we can just huddle in and relax. I sit here with a smoothie, the dishwasher running in the background is soothing.

Nowhere to go, no people to meet. Though my husband and I have talked about going out for a walk later if it’s clear. I’m realizing more and more the importance of stepping back and taking a break to breathe. And in this moment, I feel content, and I feel peace. It’s a good place to be.

How are you enjoying your Saturday? I hope you all have a lovely day! 🙂

Forgiveness

I was speaking with a friend the other day on a matter of great difficulty. I withhold forgiveness because that is my wall, that is my barrier with which I protect myself. This friend is very wise, kind, and understanding. She told me not to harden myself and that God is our wall. God is our wall, and I’ve been running from Him in order to create my own. How foolish is that?  And yet, I still do it. I don’t know how to forgive, I’m not sure that I even want to! But I know that I need to.

Fear really is the opposite of faith. In my fear, I’ve run from God’s will. In my fear, I’ve boasted in myself, then beat myself up for not being stronger. In my fear, I’ve become afraid to let go, because I fear being blind. I need someone to hold me accountable, yet so often I feel as though I’m fighting this battle alone.

How great would it be to sacrifice everything that I am and all that I have in the name of forgiveness? It wouldn’t. Yet that is what I fear. I fear losing everything. I fear that if I forgive, then I will become blind, that mercy and compassion will turn to foolish stupidity. Forgiveness and trust are two different things.

Forgiveness does not require trusting the other person, it does, however, require trusting God.

In my fear, I prove I have no faith even in myself.

We need God to be our wall so we still have a path to walk. And, if we follow God, that path will always lead to Christ.

Everything Changes

It’s another gloomy day. The sky peeks through as a few stray bits of snow drift down. It’s been an odd winter, that’s about all I can say.

I feel sadness, loss, acceptance. Time passes without our consent, without our help, and completely outside of our control. It makes me feel small, here in this moment, a moment that will not last forever, because nothing ever does.

It is some small form of comfort, knowing that each day passes, and even though it can feel like everything’s standing still and staying the same, nothing truly lasts forever. I always thought of that as a reminder to enjoy the good while it’s here, but it goes the opposite way too. The bad, even the darkest night, cannot last forever. Because time passes and morning will come again, shining light wherever it can, because that’s what light does. It shines forth and casts away darkness.

Sooner or later, everything changes. While we let go of some good, the void makes way for better. It’s in the still and calm of this moment that my heart is encouraged to trust. The dark can never win, because it can never stand to light.

Stress And The Inferior (Mostly Randomness)

So I’m feeling a little stressed tonight. It’s interesting to see just how much my inferior messes with me. I’m restless, uncertain. I want to do something, but can’t focus on anything.

I picked up my camera, perhaps I’ll edit. I put on a bridesmaid dress from a thrift store. It’s the item of clothing I feel the most comfortable in, and I don’t entirely know why. Though I’ve pondered and asked myself many times.

I don’t want to trouble myself with the whys tonight, I just want to do, just want to be.

I want to be left alone, yet I want someone to keep me company. I want to have fun, I want to go out and explore, or crash on the couch with some movie that can take me away.

I don’t want to read, I don’t want to think.

I look up hooded cloaks online. It seems as though if I’m going to buy one of any decent quality, it’s going to be expensive. So I look up patterns instead. I can sew.

I came across this site, in the description the woman’s “about” said that she’s a play-at-home mom. I love that. That’s the way it should be.

It’s awesome when people embrace the roll of mother as not only caregiver, but as a joy and a blessing. As something that adds to one’s life instead of taking away.

So I sit down and write, as though it’s the only thing I know how to do. It calms me. I can rest in the peace.

It’s so uncertain, the waters  are deep and the waves are mighty, I do not know what is coming next, I only know that something must.

What happens at the end of the book, when the characters step from the page, and into the rest of their lives?

No one really knows the answer, do they?

I give into the calm, longing for a piece of myself again. A place where I can feel whole and complete.

I realize that this tug of war can do no good. It isn’t about choosing a side to win, it’s about maintaining balance within myself.

When I find peace with God, it’s then I find peace with myself. When I find peace with me, it’s then I draw closer to God. Maybe I have a lot of fears and insecurities, I can’t give in to them. I have to stand and fight against them.

I have to be willing to embrace truth, even if those around me are not. I choose to see. I choose to hear. I choose to believe.