I cannot believe that 2015 is already a quarter of the way through. So far this year has been a challenging year of growth and realizations, and I hope that, to some extent, that continues.
It’s a good time to check in on progress I’ve been making, and I’m realizing that I’m a bit further behind than I would like, but I’m actually okay with it. Life isn’t just about deadlines and getting things done. I’m learning to let go of some of my perfectionism. …Maybe.
There’s so much more to life than just making it through, so much more than just passing from one day to the next. I don’t know what I’m saying exactly…
I’ve made some definite positive changes thus far this year, primarily with morning and nightly routines, and I’ve also started journaling again in an actual journal.
It’s amazing how distinguished one year can be from another. They have different feels, different potentials. So far, to me, this year seems… Stocky. Full, a little heavy, but sturdy and well built.
I don’t know what’s going to come of the rest of the year, but I’m hoping that it’s filled with improvements. So much for losing perfectionism…
Do you do quarterly check-ins? How do you feel about 2015 thus far?
Time seems to be going by really quickly lately. Not sure why… I’ve been less productive in my free time too… Maybe that has something to do with it. One day blurs into another and they all look the same.
Maybe that’s the point in life, to find the beauty and the differences in each and every day. They have to be there, they must me.
Quite some time ago I had mentioned my jar of positivity. I haven’t kept up with it every day, though I write things down every now and then, remembering dates when I can.
The Domino effect from one tidbit of positivity is incredible. I write one little thing down, and my mind is flooded with others to add. It’s quite the uplifting experience.
Time moves by so fast, yet there are so many things I’m waiting for. I’m realizing that rushing the time by only leaves me with less time. If I want things to happen, I have to allow them to happen, not just passively sit back and wait.
Patience. I’m learning to accept the still and quite, waiting for whatever is to be.
There’s something about having an actual page, rather than just a screen and a blinking line, waiting for the next words to appear. One letter at a time, they all start the same, but something about the full motion of a pen, it’s freeing.
This past week instead of typing my book, I decided to write it on paper. It made such a difference! I probably do about half my writing on the computer, and half on paper, so I know that I typically like writing on paper better. But I was still surprised at how much better I was able to connect with the story.
I have new insights into characters, their thoughts, their motives. It’s really exciting to see it finally coming together. Of course, now I’m going to have to go back and transfer everything I’ve written onto the computer, but that’s an opportunity for new changes as well.
I’ve been very strict about my book this time around, I haven’t allowed myself to go back and reread or correct anything I’ve added on previous days. That is such a difficult restriction for me, I just want to go and fix everything. I’ve done that before, and the results are… Less than ideal.
So, when I started a revision, I determined to try something new and I feel a lot better about it. The characters are more complete and consistent, and it’s great to see where they take the story.
I love the moments when characters write themselves. They sometimes do things that are so incredibly fitting, yet I never would have consciously thought to make them do.
Anyway, that’s where my mind’s at right now. Along with a million other places I don’t have the energy to sort through right now. I hope you all are having a wonderful night!
It’s been another one of those days. So many thoughts, I’m unsure how to put them all into words. Sometimes I don’t know what to say, and I’m beginning to accept that maybe that’s okay.
It’s raining out. I hear the little droplets landing on the roof, and the cars as they splash around on the street below. It’s such a peaceful, calming sound.
The sky is dark, though it is filled with a peace and a hope that only comes with the rain. I had forgotten just how much I love it.
It makes me want to curl up on the couch with a blanket and a good book or movie, maybe a journal and some tea. Maybe I will.
For now I just wish to enjoy this moment. This sound. This peace.
The sun sets behind the trees in a beautiful golden color. The branches stand out in darkened contrast. I think of my life, my thoughts, they are tangled, just like the trees.
I went on a walk with my husband earlier, as the sun was beginning to go down. We had a really great conversation that really got me thinking and analyzing a lot of things.
That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about him, we have some very interesting, in depth discussions.
When we got back I saw this article about handling toxic people. It made me realize that maybe I’ve come a lot further than I realized, and also pointed out some flaws in my thinking and ways of approaching situations that really need to change.
Some points really stood out to me. In point #3: “Quit trying to beat them at their own game.” I tried that for a long time. Let me tell you, it never worked. Ever. Toxic people have so much more experience at the game than you ever will, and, well, they keep changing the rules whenever you decide to play along.
And in point #8: “Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on. It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance.” Forgiveness is a tricky thing for me. I’ve been caught in the trap of believing that if I forgive, I have to act like everything’s okay.
Actually, if I’m honest, there’s more to it than that. I’m afraid that if I forgive, that I will take down the walls and let them in. I don’t want to allow people in who will drag mud through my mind, clouding my vision, and well, just messing everything up.
That’s where boundaries come in. That’s probably one of the things I struggle with the most. I tend to want to give people chances. I’m quiet and reserved, but I tend to trust people’s ability to change. Even though, consciously, I know it’s virtually impossible.
I feel like I have a starting point to step over that edge and begin my life. It’s not entirely related to the article, but I’m feeling a strange sense of hope, accompanied with apprehension, but hope nonetheless.
I’m so thankful for conversations, for a safe place, for encouragement, and for all of you. I know God has a plan through all of this, and it’s so encouraging to me to see how far He’s brought me, even when I’ve been unable to see it.
I’ll end with a song I’ve been listening to. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
I love the sun, the blue sky, the warmth, and the breeze that envelops me. I’m consistently amazed at how the weather can lift one’s spirits and breathe life into an otherwise dried and weary soul. It creates a connection, yet a little bubble in which I can wander freely without worry or fear.
Sometimes I wonder where the line is drawn between humility and self-criticism. Maybe thinking there’s a clear and distinct line means that I’m looking at it wrong.
It’s hard to say really where one ends and the other begins. Outwardly, don’t they look nearly the same? Although I know they do not. I can clearly point to others and say when I feel that they are being critical, and when they’re being humble.
My own emotions are much harder for me to understand. There are so many times where I will feel something, not realizing that I’m actually feeling the emotions of someone else around me.
I appreciate this ability sometimes, but sometimes I also wonder why the chameleon personality. It’s easier for me to distinguish the feelings of others than it is for me to understand my own.
Is this immaturity? Perhaps a need that I’ve been searching to be filled, when maybe, the answer is in the still and quiet, when I’m here alone.
I think sometimes that’s part of the reason I like alone time so much, it’s the one time that I can (almost) be clear of other people’s feelings enough to understand my own.
Introversion is a funny thing. We got to church a bit early this morning, so there weren’t many people there yet. I was more awake and smiley than I usually am out and about after getting up early.
As the building began to fill, my energy level began to deplete. It was the strangest thing. I’ve never really noticed before just how subconscious the energy drain is from being around other people.
I also feel like I haven’t had much to say lately. It seems that the busier my mind is, the fewer words ever make it to a page.
I have so many things to figure out, so many decisions to make. I hate making decisions. They’re so… complex and multi-leveled, or completely inconsequential. Sometimes I’m not sure how to distinguish which one they are.
I feel as though I should be able to make some decisions by listening to my inner voice, but sometimes, even that voice is drowned out and I’m unsure what it’s trying to say.
Maybe I have too much clutter in my life. That can make a huge difference.
Unsure Who To Credit
As I mentioned about a week ago, I have a recurring issue that I’m really struggling with. Panic attacks almost every time it comes up. I try to pray and trust God with it, but sometimes, it feels too big.
I guess that’s me relying on myself again. I’m still expecting that I’ll be able to defeat it in my own power. But the truth? I can’t.
I’m not big enough, or powerful enough. But my God is. He and He alone can free me from the terrors around me. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. But I still, somewhere inside, have faith that He will free me.
He will protect me. He is my shield.
As a protector (INFJ) the idea of a God who is a shield is such a powerful image. Nothing can compare. He is a shield to all who trust in Him. And you know what? On top of that I get an entire eternity with Him.
Eternity is such a big thing. Putting it in context, nothing really compares to that.
So maybe it doesn’t really matter. But I feel that on some level it does. This fear, this sin, consumes me sometimes. I want to be free from its grip, but I can’t be in this life, it’s a flesh wound.
I do still have a responsibility and desire to fight it though, and I do, but sometimes the feelings get to be too much.
I’m coming out of a somewhat dysfunctional state in a general sense. It’s amazing how far God has brought me in the past year.
I had been in a tertiary loop for a while. I think that’s what it was anyway.
I suppressed my Fe because I was afraid. I was afraid to reach out to anyone else, afraid to feel, afraid to show kindness because I didn’t want to be a burden… As messed up as that sounds. And it is. I know it is. I didn’t want to deceive and manipulate. I didn’t want to be dishonest.
I was in a situation where… Well, let’s just say that the people I was around used “kindness” as a manipulation tactic, guilting, blaming, demeaning…
I didn’t want to be like them, so I removed anything from myself that reminded me or their behavior at all. Unfortunately, that meant removing functional parts of me because of someone else’s dysfunction.
The fog has begun to clear, but it’s still going to take some time. And I so often still act in fear.
One little thing can throw me back into that cycle. But I’m fighting, and God’s helping me through it. Only His grace can cover it.
He was there with me before, there with me through, there with me now. He never left, no matter how many others did.
I see now that some of it was my own doing. I pushed people away because I didn’t want to cause them pain, I didn’t want to hurt them. In the end it only resulted in me hurting myself.
I am so thankful to have those who have remained with me through it all. I am so thankful for a God who is faithful, even when we are not.
I know I had headed in the wrong direction. I allowed the walls and bitterness and fear to build within me. God reached down into the rubble of the shattered mess I had become, and said, “I’m still here.”
He still loved me even when no one else did. And He always will.
INFJ Ramblings 