I’ve worked myself into a corner. Even in my free time I have projects I’m working on. It’s reached a point where I don’t even know what “fun” would mean for me anymore.

I think it’s time to take a step back and ask myself some questions… But then I’d have to do the work of answering.

On Fear And Faith

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Oh fear, how quickly you step in during times of trouble. I’ve heard that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but rather fear. How true that is. I don’t know how many times I’ve approached situations with fear instead of faith.

I have never once had a good outcome when I’ve approached an obstacle with fear, I have, however, been more than satisfied when I’ve approached the obstacles with faith. I want to be that sort of person, a person who has faith, not only in the good times, but also in the times of trouble. There are times that it’s easier than others, but that doesn’t change the need in every situation.

As I said the other day, I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of trusting God, even through the storms. Especially through the storms. He never gives up on us, even when we’ve forgotten Him. If only we would turn to Him, he would forgive and heal us.

Sometimes I want to be self-sufficient, and I want to try things on my own, without God’s help. But I’m stubborn. I need to be willing to let Him lead me, otherwise I’m headed for a ditch that I can’t escape. How foolish it is to wait until I’m already trapped and defeated to call for His help.

I’ve also judged God based on other people’s actions (or sometimes inaction). That isn’t right either. God is perfect, people are imperfect. How could I possibly judge a perfect God based on flawed and imperfect people? I couldn’t. Not accurately.

Jesus said not to fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But so often we find it easier to live in fear of people, because they’re instant. We see the consequences immediately, so we cower in fear, and, in doing so, we turn away from God.

Instead of living in fear, we could choose to trust God, and be joyful even through the trails. Perfect and complete. That is our destiny. Are we missing it by focusing on the ground when we should be focusing on our God?

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It’s amazing how different one day can be from another. Yesterday was so productive, today… not so much.

It’s easy to assign value to things, days, activities, even people. But how much are we missing out on that way?

Who’s to say that one day is really better than another? Or that one thing is more useful than another? Sure, some things are obvious, when we have deadlines or in the case of an emergency, but everything else kind of blends together.

Shouldn’t we enjoy every part of life? Shouldn’t we stop assigning value to certain tasks way above and beyond others? I understand that it’s sometimes necessary, but we need to take care of ourselves and take breaks sometimes too.

It can get dangerous if we take this concept of value too far. We’ll miss out on amazing things that we need, or amazing potential that we have. It’s even worse when we do this to people.

I’m still reminded of last week when I saw someone I had met before on the bus and didn’t recognize her. It was a powerful reminder for me, a revealing of a deeper flaw that I didn’t know I had. I can tend to show partiality.

The Bible says specifically not to do this, and yet there I was, doing it anyway. I know that sometimes we need to be careful, but I also believe that those instances are a separate matter.

I should be able to show kindness to everyone, whether I know them or not, whether I love them or hate them, whether we have things in common or we don’t.

I failed in this.

I think what I failed in most was being open. I still had a slight conversation, but I also tried to distance myself from the situation. I tried to hide. Ally reminded me of those masks again in this post.

It’s easy for me to withdraw and try to protect myself, but if I do that, what kind of impact can I even have on those around me? I can’t. If I want to be a light or a positive anything in someone’s life, I have to first treat them as if they have value, because they do. I can’t be the judge of their worth, it’s not my place to say, but it is my place to love.

And This Is Where I Am

It’s a perfect day, all cozy inside, with chai green tea and writing my second draft while listening to Cyra Morgan. I know it won’t always be this way, but for this moment, I soak it all in and enjoy the warmth inside my home, the peace that wraps its arms around me, and the hope that fills my heart.

For a long time I’ve allowed things and people outside of myself destroy my peace and hope. I’ve felt devoid of life, hopeless as though my future had slipped away, never to return.

I savor the moments I can just be. Today being one of them. Right here. Right now. The storms may rage around me, but the storms won’t last forever. For this moment, I am safe.

This past week was filled with discovery and understanding. I still battle the fear, but I now know that maybe, that fear doesn’t help me. Maybe, that fear is unjustified, even if it is understandable. Maybe, that fear is what limits me.

I worry so much about the future sometimes, that I forget to step outside the situation. Things are such a big deal in my mind that it never occurs to me that I might have the ability to say “no.”

I’m still learning to stand up for myself. Still learning to set boundaries and not do everything that others ask of me. I’ve been caught up, worrying more about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me. And it’s torn me down.

My husband and I are closing one chapter, moving into another. The struggles and habits are still there, it will take time to break. There’s still fear, but maybe we can fight it now.

I start by being myself again. Even if only in small moments. These moments by myself, where I can get lost in a world of my own, only to come back to a more positive reality.


Today in church something clicked with me. In every single one of the worship songs, trust was mentioned. I struggle with trust a lot. I like to do things my own way in my own time, and I don’t like when I can’t. But sometimes life doesn’t go the way I planned.

I so often will use life’s downs to stop trusting God. When really, that’s the absolute last thing that makes any sense.

Then the words, “even if this life I lose, I will follow You.”

There’s more meaning there. It’s not just about this life in terms of death, it’s about the things in the life that we have, had, (has, had), or the things that we thought we would have. Maybe things we were planning on and counting on. Whether it’s people, accomplishments, or other things in life.

I think it’s harder to live for something than to die for it. Death is easy, life is hard. Sometimes that means that we continue to live and press onward, even when there are trials, knowing that we’ll come out better for it.

We can’t predict it, but God already knows and sees it all. His perspective is so much better than ours, so even if we can’t understand it right now, we need to trust Him that He still has a plan for us.

I’ve fallen into that trap far too many times when life hasn’t gone my way, and I really needed those simple words today.

“Even if this life I lose… even through the tears, the pain, the battles, the things I lose (or perceive to lose) in this life… I will follow You.”

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The Things We Do

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I’m truly learning the importance of the daily things. Even if it’s a slow and steady drip, that bucket will be filled. Think of it this way, it only happens one tiny drop at a time anyway, so even though it may seem like a waste of time when you don’t see immediate results, have faith that the end result will be worth it and all those baby steps matter. It’ll still get you farther, faster, to daily place a drop in the bucket than it would to just place one every so often.

It’s like saving pennies. (Yes, I’m  kind of running this into the ground…) If you save 1 penny a day, at the end of the year you’ll end up with $3.65. If you save just one a week, then only 52 cents. And even worse, once a month gets you only 12 cents! $3.65 may not be much, but it’s better than 12 cents, at least there are still some things you can buy with it. Like a banana, you could buy a banana. Actually, you could buy a little more than just one.

I’m really learning how important that small daily investment is. It started with a morning routine, which has been fantastic for me. Then some other things followed. It’s interesting how that works, one area gets a little more organized, others follow, and it all runs more smoothly.

I’m taking steps toward living to my full potential and being as productive as possible. It may take awhile, but every step is a small victory.

Late Night Ponderings

I’m realizing that I rely on people just a bit too much. I care so much about other people’s opinions, that sometimes I’m afraid to speak my own.

There’s a healthy balance somewhere in between. There have been times that I haven’t cared what other people think, and I think I’m now overcompensating.

Acceptance is such a difficult thing to extend to ourselves. I think sometimes we forget to, or just don’t think we deserve it. If we don’t accept or respect ourselves, that negativity emanates off of us, so how is anyone else going to accept or respect us either?

I’ve found that the more caught up in what others think of me, the less I like myself, and the less I like myself, the more miserable I am to be around.

Now, I’ve been blessed with some amazing friends and family, a wonderful support system, and I couldn’t be more grateful for them. But at the end of the day, I’m stuck with myself no matter who else is or isn’t in my life. I have to live with me all the time, no one else does.

Do you know how frustrating that can be to have to live with yourself all the time? If not, let me tell you, it’s quite the ordeal sometimes.

I’m also realizing that I’m a lot more prejudiced than I would like to be. I’m sorry to say it.

The other day on the bus, a woman started talking with me. I went along with it, but she was asking some personal stuff and I was a little weirded out by it.

Then she said something. Something that clicked with me and made me realize that I actually knew her from a group I go to. She only went once, but I had still met her before.

I felt so guilty! How could I possibly forget someone like that? And even worse, I think I approached the situation with too much caution. Why am I so skeptical of people?

I know why…

It’s because of the situation I just got out of. But the idea that it could infiltrate my entire life so thoroughly, even still, that bothers me deeply. I want to be there for people, I want to remember, I want to show kindness, whether I know them or not. After all, people are still people, even if there are some bad ones out there.

So what am I going to do about this? I have two paths I see that I can take. I’ll have to take both eventually, though I’m not sure which one to start with. I could start with loving and accepting myself for who and what I am, or I could start reaching out to others and try to be more accepting of them. Maybe I just need to do both.

Wounds take time to heal. I’m learning that some wounds go deeper than I realized. I’m left with the consequences and left to clean up the mess that’s left behind.

It’s not over yet.

Sometimes my thoughts are a big jumbled mess that I have to wade (trudge) through.