Moment

Get up, a new day is coming. Relax. Be present in this moment.

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Work

I’ve worked myself into a corner. Even in my free time I have projects I’m working on. It’s reached a point where I don’t even know what “fun” would mean for me anymore.

I think it’s time to take a step back and ask myself some questions… But then I’d have to do the work of answering.

On Fear And Faith

Faith
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Oh fear, how quickly you step in during times of trouble. I’ve heard that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but rather fear. How true that is. I don’t know how many times I’ve approached situations with fear instead of faith.

I have never once had a good outcome when I’ve approached an obstacle with fear, I have, however, been more than satisfied when I’ve approached the obstacles with faith. I want to be that sort of person, a person who has faith, not only in the good times, but also in the times of trouble. There are times that it’s easier than others, but that doesn’t change the need in every situation.

As I said the other day, I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of trusting God, even through the storms. Especially through the storms. He never gives up on us, even when we’ve forgotten Him. If only we would turn to Him, he would forgive and heal us.

Sometimes I want to be self-sufficient, and I want to try things on my own, without God’s help. But I’m stubborn. I need to be willing to let Him lead me, otherwise I’m headed for a ditch that I can’t escape. How foolish it is to wait until I’m already trapped and defeated to call for His help.

I’ve also judged God based on other people’s actions (or sometimes inaction). That isn’t right either. God is perfect, people are imperfect. How could I possibly judge a perfect God based on flawed and imperfect people? I couldn’t. Not accurately.

Jesus said not to fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But so often we find it easier to live in fear of people, because they’re instant. We see the consequences immediately, so we cower in fear, and, in doing so, we turn away from God.

Instead of living in fear, we could choose to trust God, and be joyful even through the trails. Perfect and complete. That is our destiny. Are we missing it by focusing on the ground when we should be focusing on our God?

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Value

It’s amazing how different one day can be from another. Yesterday was so productive, today… not so much.

It’s easy to assign value to things, days, activities, even people. But how much are we missing out on that way?

Who’s to say that one day is really better than another? Or that one thing is more useful than another? Sure, some things are obvious, when we have deadlines or in the case of an emergency, but everything else kind of blends together.

Shouldn’t we enjoy every part of life? Shouldn’t we stop assigning value to certain tasks way above and beyond others? I understand that it’s sometimes necessary, but we need to take care of ourselves and take breaks sometimes too.

It can get dangerous if we take this concept of value too far. We’ll miss out on amazing things that we need, or amazing potential that we have. It’s even worse when we do this to people.

I’m still reminded of last week when I saw someone I had met before on the bus and didn’t recognize her. It was a powerful reminder for me, a revealing of a deeper flaw that I didn’t know I had. I can tend to show partiality.

The Bible says specifically not to do this, and yet there I was, doing it anyway. I know that sometimes we need to be careful, but I also believe that those instances are a separate matter.

I should be able to show kindness to everyone, whether I know them or not, whether I love them or hate them, whether we have things in common or we don’t.

I failed in this.

I think what I failed in most was being open. I still had a slight conversation, but I also tried to distance myself from the situation. I tried to hide. Ally reminded me of those masks again in this post.

It’s easy for me to withdraw and try to protect myself, but if I do that, what kind of impact can I even have on those around me? I can’t. If I want to be a light or a positive anything in someone’s life, I have to first treat them as if they have value, because they do. I can’t be the judge of their worth, it’s not my place to say, but it is my place to love.

And This Is Where I Am

It’s a perfect day, all cozy inside, with chai green tea and writing my second draft while listening to Cyra Morgan. I know it won’t always be this way, but for this moment, I soak it all in and enjoy the warmth inside my home, the peace that wraps its arms around me, and the hope that fills my heart.

For a long time I’ve allowed things and people outside of myself destroy my peace and hope. I’ve felt devoid of life, hopeless as though my future had slipped away, never to return.

I savor the moments I can just be. Today being one of them. Right here. Right now. The storms may rage around me, but the storms won’t last forever. For this moment, I am safe.

This past week was filled with discovery and understanding. I still battle the fear, but I now know that maybe, that fear doesn’t help me. Maybe, that fear is unjustified, even if it is understandable. Maybe, that fear is what limits me.

I worry so much about the future sometimes, that I forget to step outside the situation. Things are such a big deal in my mind that it never occurs to me that I might have the ability to say “no.”

I’m still learning to stand up for myself. Still learning to set boundaries and not do everything that others ask of me. I’ve been caught up, worrying more about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me. And it’s torn me down.

My husband and I are closing one chapter, moving into another. The struggles and habits are still there, it will take time to break. There’s still fear, but maybe we can fight it now.

I start by being myself again. Even if only in small moments. These moments by myself, where I can get lost in a world of my own, only to come back to a more positive reality.

Trust

Today in church something clicked with me. In every single one of the worship songs, trust was mentioned. I struggle with trust a lot. I like to do things my own way in my own time, and I don’t like when I can’t. But sometimes life doesn’t go the way I planned.

I so often will use life’s downs to stop trusting God. When really, that’s the absolute last thing that makes any sense.

Then the words, “even if this life I lose, I will follow You.”

There’s more meaning there. It’s not just about this life in terms of death, it’s about the things in the life that we have, had, (has, had), or the things that we thought we would have. Maybe things we were planning on and counting on. Whether it’s people, accomplishments, or other things in life.

I think it’s harder to live for something than to die for it. Death is easy, life is hard. Sometimes that means that we continue to live and press onward, even when there are trials, knowing that we’ll come out better for it.

We can’t predict it, but God already knows and sees it all. His perspective is so much better than ours, so even if we can’t understand it right now, we need to trust Him that He still has a plan for us.

I’ve fallen into that trap far too many times when life hasn’t gone my way, and I really needed those simple words today.

“Even if this life I lose… even through the tears, the pain, the battles, the things I lose (or perceive to lose) in this life… I will follow You.”

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