I haven’t blogged here in a long time. Things change. Life changes.
For some reason I thought of this little platform again, and decided to log in. And in scrolling back through some of my posts I realized, this was my safe space. In many ways this was where I came to process and just dump whatever I was feeling. Albeit in a fairly vague manner.
There’s a safety in anonymity. Yet how does that pair with the desire to be known?
A lot has changed over the past few years, and a lot is also the same. Once Covid hit and lock downs began, I entered into a new phase of healing and creativity. I felt alive again in ways I hadn’t in years. Doors were opened to things I’ve desired for awhile, though I thought they’d be further off than they turned out to be. Although challenging at times, I felt, saw, and experienced God’s grace in a way I never have before.
The end of 2019 and beginning of 2020 were some of the hardest times of my life. And yet, God met me there. He gave me this little bubble, a little cocoon where I could branch off from the world and heal in a new way. He strengthened me through it.
Last year was hard again. As I’ve spoken to more people it seems that 2022 was an extremely painful and difficult year for many. There was so much loss, so much pain, so much uncertainty. Maybe it was in part because many of us were emerging from our isolation. And transition periods, even when good, can still be painful and challenging.
I grieve the life I thought I’d live, and I step with hope into a future I didn’t plan.
This month has changed things again. Almost every day there’s something new. Something unexpected, but in such a beautiful, good, and healing way. There’s such a deep sense of peace and wonder.
And in the midst of it, I feel fear rising up in me. I’m afraid that this bubble of joy will be burst. I’m afraid because when things have felt safe like this before, something terrible has happened and threatened to tear my life apart.
In truth, I’ve only experienced this feeling once before in the past decade. This past summer. It was a beautiful time of hope and redemption, and I saw God working in me, and allowing me to feel things I haven’t been able to feel since I was a child. The trauma felt far away and peace hung in its place.
Then it was torn apart again… A feeling of anguish took over. Panic. Uncertainty. Dread. Anger.
Yet God used this too. He’s been showing me my own role, my own sin. But gently. And He’s opened doors here that have needed to be opened for years. I see him working, though there’s still pain and uncertainty. He’s comforted me too. He’s met me in the grief, the anxiety, and the fear.
In some ways my life feels dismantled, scattered everywhere in a million pieces. In others, it feels as though God is bringing the pieces together that needed to be there all along. In the breaking there is healing. But it’s still a process. There are still waves to ride.
So for me, the future is still uncertain, maybe it is for all of us. I’m still battling and wrestling with challenging things that I’d rather not face. And in the middle of it all, I’m still seeing and experiencing God’s grace.
My life isn’t what I thought it would look like, it’s not what I thought it would be. But He is with me. And I’m learning that sometimes that’s enough.
P.S. The editor has changed too and I’m not quite sure how to use it. Is it worth trying to maintain the same format I used to use, or just try something new?
INFJ Ramblings 