I’ve been writing for so long that my tea has grown cold… Not just warm. Cold.
Outside the air is filled with fog, matching the atmosphere in my mind.
I want to have hope, but I’m having trouble accessing myself. I guess this is really where I need to reach for God.
A cold is coming on, and I just want to sleep. Maybe I should let myself. Everything else I had going on today has been cancelled.
Is it bad that I was actually relieved when the plans fell through?
Feeling a bit scattered and fuzzy today, but maybe I need to just allow myself the room to take a breath and take a break.
What are you up to today?
I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. Say the same things over and over again. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, or if this is just normal and to be expected.
I take on too much, then I feel overwhelmed and upset with all the expectations I’ve created in those around me. I agree to do more than I have the energy to do, then beat myself up for not being stronger.
It isn’t about strength, it’s about energy, and right now, I have very little. Especially when I’m stressed and overwhelmed, it just makes the problems worse.
Wanting to just step away and escape for a bit.
I haven’t known how to write lately. The fire that consumes me overwhelms me, and there are times God strengthens me to fight back.
I trust that He is able, even when I’m not.
He helps my heart to trust. I’m not alone in this, not this time. I was in the past, and that’s the difference. Although the wars may rage around me, I’m not in this alone. And that’s what’s changed.
Today, all I can say is that God is still faithful, and I will put my trust in Him.
Two steps forward, one step back. And that step back feels like falling down the stairs.
I roll and I tumble, sometimes catching my breath, sometimes wondering if the pounding will ever stop. I find myself wondering if I will ever truly breathe again, while simultaneously feeling guilty for every moment I find I’m able to.
I don’t understand why bad things happen. I don’t understand why safety can’t be kept. But I find myself in a different place now than I used to be, and yet, there’s still so much that’s similar to places I never thought I’d fall again.
Spiral up. Spiral down.
It’s all a part of the process.
Healing takes time, and it isn’t always one straightforward motion. There are things that knock us down again, but we’re still in between. This is not how the story ends. This is not forever. And the darkness could never truly win.
I find a hope inside me for a day when darkness will be defeated, when it can no longer hold me in its grasp. Today may be that day, or it may not. But this is not how my story ends. I will not stay stuck here forever.
Someday, there will be a day, where I will finally be free.
I don’t know where to begin. The past couple weeks have been one chaotic crisis after another. I feel myself being sucked back into the chaos, and it takes everything in me to resist it, but I’ve still imploded and I’m broken inside.
There are places, states of mind, I thought I had healed from, reactions I thought I was past. But here they are again. Lesser, but still there.
I’m not sure what it will take to climb from this pit. And right now I’m feeling pretty defeated. I’m standing here praying for a miracle, because a miracle is the only path forward.
And still, I know that God is faithful. And even in my brokenness, He can use it to heal.
New things are coming tomorrow, and I’m not ready. I want freedom from this. I’m so tired of struggling. I can’t tell whether I’m withering away or drowning.