We break, we heal, we hurt, we mend. Then we start all over again. Life, in my experience, is nothing like I would have planned, or hoped, or dreamed. Some parts are better, some leave me feeling like I’m always dragging behind.
When I was growing up, I always felt like I was ahead of everyone else. Not in an egotistical way, I had a lot of insecurities, but I was always moving ahead to the next thing and seemed to fit in more with people who were older than me. I wanted to be the first in everything, marriage, children, getting the stable things in life situated so I could move on to whatever greater purpose life had in store for me.
I always knew that some forms of wisdom and understanding would only come through life experience and age. I wanted that, I longed for it, yearned for it, and yet, I still wanted all the other things too.
I didn’t want to settle. I didn’t want to back down, or accept defeat. So I tried, and I pushed, and I ended up so caught up in all the things I wanted to be, that I never actually did any of it.
I’m not that old, many would call me young. But I don’t feel very young. And if I’m honest, I’ve never felt young. Maybe it’s being an INFJ, maybe it’s something else, I’m not entirely sure.
I missed the deadlines I had for myself. And I miss more of them with each and every day. That weighs heavy on me. I don’t want this blog to be a negative space, but sometimes life is hard. And sometimes, we just have those down days, or those things that remind us of the life we’re missing out on.
When time is spinning fast, and life is closing in. It feels like time is running out for dreams I thought I’d live.
My goal for this year is Fearless Hope. I don’t want to live as a victim anymore. I’m sick of the victim mentality. Bad things happen, it’s a part of life, but those things don’t need to define us. I’ve let the past define me for far too long now.
I don’t want to do what I’ve done in the past. I say I’m going to change it, but I don’t always have the mental, physical, or emotional energy to. So I dump my problems out on people. People who care, and I know they’re always there for me, but I don’t want to be a pain… I don’t want to be a burden.
I don’t want to tread water. I don’t want to merely stay afloat. Now it’s time to swim deep in the waters, to find who I really am. I need to find the courage and diligence to climb from this pit. It’s claimed me for too long. It’s time to find my wings. It’s time to fly.
The transition from 2016 to 2017 has seemed longer than years in the past. I know that’s not how it really is, but it’s felt like a more genuine transition rather than a stop and start. I’ve done a lot of thinking about what I want this new year to embody for me. I’ve settled on Fearless Hope.
I sit here in the quiet, cup of warm tea in hand, snow falling gently outside my window. It’s been a cozy, but busy, week so far. The perfect start of 2017.
INFJ Ramblings 