Loneliness

I’m lonely. So incredibly lonely. I’m surrounded by people, but that only makes me feel more isolated and alone.

Like a child once again. Desperately seeking a place to belong.

There’s a difference between being alone and feeling alone, and right now, I’m feeling the full weight of it.

I get frustrated with myself that I can’t just stay in one consistent and stable state of mind. But that’s not how I’m wired. I need different things at different times. Nuance, not robotic.

What I really want is someone who will join me in the world inside my head.

Shallow interactions drain me. And it feels like even when others think the conversation is deep, I’m still gasping for air in the shallow end, drowning on dryness as the depths simply aren’t there.

I get frustrated with myself, wondering if something is wrong with me. Wondering why these “deep” interactions don’t satisfy me, and feeling alone in the world as I wander through, wondering if anyone, even one single person, could possibly understand and pull back the layers, go just a little bit deeper.

The weight of my own mind is crushing, like a black hole consuming everything around me. I’m torn between judging myself, and judging others. Something’s wrong with me and I just can’t connect or feel the depth of these things that they’re discussing, or something’s wrong with them, that all these shallow and superficial topics are found interesting and deep.

Isn’t there more? I want there to be more. But there are times, days like this, when I wonder if more even exists.

Stress Cleaning

When I’m stressed out my tendency is to clean. Not so bad for my house, but terrible for my projects. I probably wouldn’t be able to focus on them anyway, but it’s an interesting observation.

I think it’s related to my inferior Se. It comes from a deep need to create order in my environment in attempt to clear my mind. Controlling what I can control, so it’s less overwhelming to think about the things I can’t.

A few weeks ago I ruthlessly cleared out a bunch of excess clutter, both digitally and in my home. Since then I’m feeling a bit more relaxed and less rushed, but it also triggers a perfectionism in me where I want to keep everything cleaned out and perfect.

Oh entropy, how you mess with me.

Needless to say, I can’t keep everything perfect, so it’s a self-perpetuating cycle. I’m more sensitive and stressed by even little messes. Though I’m sure I’ll revert to a previous state where I don’t often think of my house, or a mess, or anything around me until I have to, and can freely retreat into the safety and the world inside my mind.

Finding a balance between neglect and obsession can be a little tricky for me. There are plenty of times I’m so wrapped up in something I completely forget to eat. I suppose there are less dishes that way and I need to allow myself the freedom to retreat back into my mind.

Anyone else clean when stressed? What other things have you found help you calm down and feel grounded?

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s hard to believe that Autumn’s almost over and the Christmas season is just about here. I feel more apprehension this year than I have in recent years. But I’m trying to take it one step and one day at a time.

We’re spending time with family, and enjoying the time to step away for a moment and enjoy delicious foods.

I hope your holiday season is off to a wonderful start! How do you celebrate the holidays?

Introversion Time

I’m exhausted. It’s been another busy weekend. Non-stop people and interaction. I’ve said it before, but I feel my introversion physically, and I’m so incredibly tired and worn out.

I feel guilty for taking time to do nothing, but… I need some time to just do nothing and recover. Sometimes you just need to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling.

No energy.

And the idea of a semi-busy and people-filled week with lots more meetings and figuring things out just doesn’t sound too appealing at the moment.

So I sit and I rest. Feeling wasteful and unsure how else I could manage to spend my time. Maybe someday I’ll get the hang of this…

What ways do you experience your introversion when you’ve done too much extroverting? Do you have any activities that help you recover?

Introversion And Depression

I’m an introvert and I also struggle with depression. These are not the same thing, and as such, it can be difficult for me to navigate social situations when I’m not fully in tune with whether my needs for space and quiet come from the healthy introversion and my need to refuel, or the more destructive depression and an attempt to isolate. There has to be a balance, I just have yet to find it.

I’ve been thinking about this more lately. I’ve been invited to spend a week away with a friend who isn’t yet very close, but I think certainly has the potential to be. That’s incredibly rare, and I don’t want to miss the opportunity. The trouble is, it overlaps with other special days.

I’m feeling some anxiety at the idea of committing to this trip, even though I know it would be the perfect introvert escape. Everything she has planned will be really quiet and low key with lots of extra time for processing, writing, and individual quiet time. An opportunity like this doesn’t come around very often.

I’m not sure if my apprehension is because of the other dates, because I still don’t know her too well, because of the idea of committing to a week with another person, or if it’s that pesky depression isolation trying to prevent me from doing something that would truly help.

Maybe a little of all of it.

I don’t want to say no and lose the opportunity, but I also don’t want to make a decision until I understand my own motivation and the reasons why I’m making it.

This conflict has come up a lot recently in other contexts though. Times where I can’t tell whether I’m pushing myself to socialize too much, or pulling back and refusing to socialize enough.

Do you ever struggle to know the difference between introversion and depression?

Unknown Path

Roads lie ahead, open and unknown. We don’t understand the paths we take until we’re far enough through that we can see all the points connect, and even then, I wonder if sometimes we miss some.

Unknowns can be scary or exciting, depending on what they are, and depending on the potential outcomes. But either way, we really can’t predict the future.

We can take things as they come, and experience far less anxiety as a result.

I don’t know where all my paths will lead, what I do know is that I can trust my loving Father with all of it. He’s brought me through so much already, and I know He is capable of infinitely more.

What ways have you approached the unknowns in life? Do you notice a difference depending on your mindset?

More Change And Endings

They’re cutting a big tree down across the street. It’s so sad to see something that’s been such a core part of this neighborhood being cut down. It’s so sad to see trees cut down in general. I know that sometimes it has to happen, and sometimes it’s a safety issue, but it’s always sad when life in any form is taken away.

Last week a huge branch broke off of it. I’m guessing that’s what triggered the decision.

I wonder where the oldest tree on earth lives. Would we even be able to recognize it?

Once again though, these external changes are bring about a calm sort of peace in me. After our neighbor moved, and now this tree is being cut down, piece by tiny piece, they all add up to something.

But in the changes, I’m realizing that I’m more content and open to a bigger change of my own. I was feeling some resistance to the idea of moving, because I love where we are so much, but now I’m feeling more at peace with it if the time is soon. It may not be for another year or more, maybe in a couple months. I don’t know. But I’m feeling incredible peace.

Life changes, but that doesn’t mean it ends. I’m trying to be more fully present and just take each moment as it comes. I’m still planning for the future, and sometimes tempted with the pull of anxiety, past or future, but there’s a change and a shift in me.

I’m no longer living in constant dread like I once did, I’m no longer fully crippled by the terror. Yes, change happens, but there’s great joy in that because even though the good things may come to an end, the bad things do too.

It’s just a season, just a time to pass through, and I want to be engaged in every second of it I can.

We grow through everything we walk through. Every fire refines us even further, and soon, there’s nothing but the inner beauty left fully polished and cleaned enough to shine.