I’m lonely. So incredibly lonely. I’m surrounded by people, but that only makes me feel more isolated and alone.
Like a child once again. Desperately seeking a place to belong.
There’s a difference between being alone and feeling alone, and right now, I’m feeling the full weight of it.
I get frustrated with myself that I can’t just stay in one consistent and stable state of mind. But that’s not how I’m wired. I need different things at different times. Nuance, not robotic.
What I really want is someone who will join me in the world inside my head.
Shallow interactions drain me. And it feels like even when others think the conversation is deep, I’m still gasping for air in the shallow end, drowning on dryness as the depths simply aren’t there.
I get frustrated with myself, wondering if something is wrong with me. Wondering why these “deep” interactions don’t satisfy me, and feeling alone in the world as I wander through, wondering if anyone, even one single person, could possibly understand and pull back the layers, go just a little bit deeper.
The weight of my own mind is crushing, like a black hole consuming everything around me. I’m torn between judging myself, and judging others. Something’s wrong with me and I just can’t connect or feel the depth of these things that they’re discussing, or something’s wrong with them, that all these shallow and superficial topics are found interesting and deep.
Isn’t there more? I want there to be more. But there are times, days like this, when I wonder if more even exists.