Maybe There Is No Answer

Lately I’ve questioned so many things about myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m moving forward, sometimes I feel I’m falling backward.

I’m still struggling with a life that looks nothing like I thought it would. Then I feel bad about myself for not just being thankful for the life I do have.

Feelings come and feelings go. They’re important, but they aren’t everything. I’m just not sure how to navigate around them when these things are so strong, and so many other things are pushing so hard against me.

Not against me, just around me. And I’m easily overwhelmed.

I don’t know what the future holds. And I’m struggling with that place in between. This season has felt like it’s dragged on forever. It’s been so many years, seemingly wasted in waiting.

I don’t want to live my life on hold. But I don’t know what life I could be moving into. I find myself here. Is this it? Is this really all there is?

Maybe there’s more. I struggle with comparisons, thinking that everyone else has things that I want. And they do. But that doesn’t mean it looks the way I imagine it to, and it doesn’t mean that’s the life they desired, even if it was the one that I wanted.

That seems to be one of the great injustices of life, that none of us get to choose the path we take.

But maybe I’m just playing the victim.

We do have choices. We do have a say… Up to a point.

Maybe it’s a blessing that we don’t plan our futures. Maybe we don’t have the context to make the right decisions.

I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know where I am or what’s happening. And I’m tired of trying to figure it all out.

So Many Questions

What does it mean to be healed? What does it mean to be whole? Are we really who we think we are? Or are our identities just an illusion, maybe even our fear?

I’m not sure what the purpose of this life is. I’m not sure if meaning exists at all. I feel that each time these things come up again, I’m pulled backward and fall down.

This is how we rise. We can’t stand up unless we fall.

Maybe it isn’t about what we see, or feel, or think. Maybe it isn’t about who we are at all. Maybe it’s about taking one step at a time, always moving forward, even when we fall backwards.

Maybe it’s learning to let go, to trust, to surrender. Maybe it’s about learning to come to terms with a life that doesn’t feel like our own.

Maybe hope looks different than we thought it would. And maybe this is our turn to break the silence.

Maybe our lives are a drop in the ocean. But maybe that tiny drop can still make a difference after all.

Anxious Thoughts

Anxieties creep in again. It seems like every time I think I’ve escaped, they’re right there to lure me back into their grip.

I don’t want to give into fear. I don’t want to give into panic. I don’t want it to control and define me anymore.

I think I’ve been afraid of letting go, afraid of stepping back. As if letting go of my fears and anxieties somehow puts me at risk… As if letting go means betraying the others who are still stuck in it.

And I don’t want to leave them behind.

We don’t have to be standing in a pit in order to help someone out of it. In fact, that can be counterproductive. But I’ve believed the lies for so long. I’m not fully sure what it looks like to break free.

Moving Forward?

I feel shallow. Like a failure as an INFJ. INFJ’s are supposed to be deep and insightful, talking and thinking of fanciful ideas and exploring our dreams. All I can think about or talk about is how to manage my external reality.

Maybe I don’t handle stress very well. Maybe it’s that I grew up with 2 SJ parents. But I feel like I’m losing myself.

Lately I’ve been obsessing over values and ideals. Trying to figure things out, as if having an answer will show me the path forward. Sometimes planning doesn’t work. We get caught in our heads, caught in our everyday lives. And then what?

No matter which way I look, I feel stuck.

I’m not sure what to do next. I’m not sure how to move forward. I’m not sure what the next step would even look like, or what direction it might be in. I feel detached from myself. Detached from God. Detached from the world and other people.

I long for connections, but I’m too drained to do anything about it.

I need rest. And I need to allow myself to take it. But I’m not sure what that looks like either.

That said. There has been a peace and contentment in life that I didn’t think I could feel again. A calm assurance that somehow everything’s going to work out and be okay, even if I can’t see it yet.

And in that, there is a vague sort of rest. Because I don’t have to worry about the future. And I can be content exactly where I am.

Suffocating Weight

I feel like I’m struggling beneath the weight of so many things, suffocating beneath the weight of everything.

I take on too much. Then I burn out and I snap. Seemingly unable to handle even simple tasks.

Depression takes its hold. An Ni-Ti loop grows stronger. I find myself lost in the clutches of Se. Although, I’m much better able to recognize it than I used to be. So I let the Se play itself out, and when that tiny three year old is tired, I let it go back to bed. Still stuck in the ever turning loop with my tertiary.

It tries to take over. I try to reason and logic myself out of impossible problems. I seek understanding. I push myself beyond what I’m ready for, so I end up in a void, a black hole that suffocates me even more.

I’m lost beneath the crashing waves. It’s lasted so long now that I’m not sure how to fully escape, or if that option still exists for me.

Nothing lasts forever. But some things can certainly feel like it.

I wait out the storm. Hoping that these seas will calm and I’ll find it to the other side.

I’m burned out. Exhausted. Hoping that in some way a part of this will help me grow.

I’ve lost myself to someone I don’t recognize anymore.

Who am I?

Fighting For Gray

I’ve been caught in a battle between dark and light. Black and white thinking that seems impossible to break through, and I’ve started thinking this way too.

As I’ve fought, and as I’ve argued, I’ve started to see the world in this way too. And I don’t feel like me anymore.

I feel like I have to choose. And maybe I know what side I should be on, and maybe I know the way I feel about the people and the situation. But maybe, just maybe, I want to see the gray again.

I want to feel compassion, rather than contempt. I want to fight for gray, even though I could never win that way.

I want to see things as they really are. I want to be safe, I want to heal. But I don’t want to hate.

This is how I lay down my weapons. This pride that eats me from the inside out. I choose to see more than the black and white I’ve been given. I choose to acknowledge both sides of the coins.

I choose gray.

One Wish

If I had one wish…

I’d wish to be free.

I’d wish to be exactly who I was always meant to be.

I’d wish to be unashamed to be exactly who I am.

I’d wish to feel safe, without fear for the moment or the future.

I’d wish to be me. Fully and unapologetically.