Longing for meaning, unsure what to say. The words just never seem to come and I’m lost spinning in a daze of words strung together trying to make sense of what I might someday hope to say.
I’ve reached a point in life where I’m unsure about my future. I don’t like that. Up until some major things happened, I always had a clear plan and idea of what I wanted my life to look like and be. And now, I’m left lost and spinning in the world. Giving up on what I wanted, because they no longer fit the person I’ve become. And I hate that. I hate who I’ve become. I don’t like me anymore.
I’ve always been the type to look ahead, and without truly being me anymore, then what is there to look ahead to? I’m lost and wandering, trying to find something, anything, that could possibly fill the void of what I lost and who I used to be.
I used to like myself, maybe not completely, but I knew I was on a path to becoming who I wanted to be. And I lost it. I’m not who I was. I’m not as kind, or gentle, or wise. I’ve lost so much of what I valued and wanted myself to be. My creativity is waning. And I’m emptied from the inside out with nothing to fill that hollow and empty void. Just a string of meaningless words.
What does any of it matter anyway? Could I ever dare hope, or dream, that maybe my string of useless words could touch someone else’s heart and work in their life? I don’t dare hope or dream, because everything I ever dreamed has been left dashed to pieces and broken on the floor. So far gone from who I was, and who I was meant to be. I’ve drifted too far. Is there any hope that I could make it back to the shore?
Then there’s the part that knows that God is faithful. He is bigger and stronger and greater than any mountain or storm I might face. My hope is not in myself, or who I’ve thought myself to be, my vision was skewed. My hope is in something far greater than I could ever be. My hope is in the One who created hope and created a world, and individuals, with a purpose, a plan, and a future.