I feel as though I need to be more genuine. Maybe not on here, I try to be real here. But in other aspects and areas in my life, I feel that sometimes I… Miss the mark and instead go along with what I think other people want from me, or want to hear. And it doesn’t always go well.
I’ve found that when I’m being more authentically me, that’s when people seem to like having me around. Authenticity is extremely important to me, but I grew up in an environment where I was taught (by one parent) that image matters more than honesty.
It’s hard breaking out of those patterns. Of course everyone wants to be liked, and I tend to be a people pleaser anyway, so that just makes it that much more difficult. But I also have a strong internal conviction that being open, honest, and real, is more important than “going along to get along.”
There are times that we must have restraint. I know that. There is a certain level of professionalism required, especially in work situations, or gatherings and whatnot. That’s not what I’m talking about.
What I am talking about is the times when either answer would be acceptable. I just feel like I haven’t been as real with some people as I should have been (and should be).
I haven’t fully been myself.
I want to leave a trail of magic everywhere I go. How can I do that if I’m not showing who I really am?
But again, at least for me, it comes back down to fear. I’m so afraid of other people’s judgement, and I’m so afraid of people seeing the scars that lie beneath me, that I don’t know how to open up about it.
I don’t know. Maybe it will just take some time. I have a tendency to need some time to warm up in different situations and with different people. But I can’t help but feel like maybe I need to let down some of my walls and allow myself to be more vulnerable.
So in my thoughts does vulnerability equal authenticity? Maybe. But there has to be some way to reach the balance between.
I’m going to have to face it now. Everything’s catching up with me and I have to learn to take a stand to be who I am.