Sometimes I seek out approval, always feeling like I’m not measuring up, never good enough, and I just need the external validation to make me feel real, to make me feel like I’m worth something.
Our worth and value can only come from God. I’m searching for outside approval, when the validation I need doesn’t lie with other humans, but it depends solely and completely on the God of all creation.
Sometimes I feel as though I’m a waste of space. Like I have nothing to offer and no value to give. So I look for proof.
If it was anyone else, I’d see the value. I find myself encouraging others to chase their ideas, and cultivate a vision, then when it comes to me I don’t even give weight to the things that others affirm in me. The problem goes much deeper.
It isn’t about needing more likes, or comments, or affirmation. It isn’t that I’m lacking approval and validation from others, it’s that I’m lacking approval and validation from myself, and so I’m unable to receive it, from those around me, but also, more detrimentally, from God.
Why can I see the value in others and I can’t see the value in myself?
I’m not even in a bad place right now, these are just thoughts. And I’m not sure if I’m even going to post this… But sometimes I feel lost, in desperate need of direction, and I don’t trust myself to find the answers. So I look at other people, what they’re doing, how they are, and I end up feeling worse about myself. Striving for approval because I need a way to measure what I’m worth. Why do I feel I need external proof? And why do I struggle to believe it when I do?
The answer is in God, in trusting Him. Trusting that I still have worth and value because I’m His. And the answer is in me, because I have to be willing to take an honest look at myself. Good as well as bad. The bad is easy, and I beat myself up with it quite frequently. The good… That’s a bit more difficult.
It’s probably pride to some degree. This false humility that’s really just another form of pride. Self-deprication for the sake of saying I’m self-aware. Those are two different things.
I’m well aware of my flaws (though I’m sure I also have blind spots), but I always seem to find a way to discredit any accomplishments, or appreciation, or validation. Why? Why is it so hard to accept a compliment at face value? And why am I willing to cut others down by telling them their opinion and perception of me is wrong, that they’re wrong, all because I’m insecure and can’t see the value in myself.
These are things I wrestle with. And I’m not sure I have an answer. It’s largely feelings based, and I don’t entirely know how to get around it. I suppose it’s something I need to continue to mull over, to think about, write about, and to take to God in prayer.
Self loathing comes easy. Does focusing on my flaws and allowing myself the pain make me feel real? Maybe. But why?