Physical Introversion

My husband and I just got back from a week long trip a few days ago. I’ve been feeling absolutely exhausted since getting home, sleeping in way past when I normally would, and still feeling completely worn out.

My diet has been fairly filled with leftover sugar, so I assumed that was the cause of it. And it very well may be part of it, it certainly doesn’t help.

But it wasn’t until getting an email on introversion that it finally clicked that part of my exhaustion is probably due to all the extroverting I had to do on the trip.

I feel my introversion very physically. I know this about myself, but somehow I overlooked it this time.

My husband and I were together almost the entire trip. I love him, but he’s still a person, and even when we’re doing introvert things in the same room, we’re still in the same room. It’s different than being alone.

A couple days in and we had to socialize with others. By that point we were both completely exhausted and not really wanting to visit with the people we had traveled to visit. We both just wanted to crash (my husband’s an introvert too).

But we pushed through, we visited, and had a good time even, but the tiredness grew steadily worse.

We got home a few days ago, and still haven’t fully recovered. It’s going to take some time, but it’s also helpful to be armed with the knowledge of how too much extroverting affects me. And that it’s the lack of time alone that’s leaving me drained.

Next time I’m going to be more intentional about getting the space I need. And it’s never for nothing when experiences teach us something moving forward.

Do you have a similar experience when traveling with others? I’d love to hear your thoughts. 🙂


Beautiful Reminders

It’s a perfect, stormy day today. My husband and I just got home from a trip and I’m so thankful to have a day to just relax in our home and have some cozy introvert time.

There’s nothing like a warm cup of tea on an overcast and stormy day, the world is dark, and it’s like being wrapped in a blanket from above, given permission to just be present and soak up the cozy time alone.

I’m thankful to be here. Thankful for the life we have together. I’m thankful for all the many realizations, and subtle shifts, though I’m not sure yet where any of these things will lead.

And still, there is peace. I feel a contentment that I hadn’t felt before. I feel better able to sit back and trust that God has everything under control, and it’s not up to me to figure everything out. I only need to trust Him. Because He sees behind and ahead, with perfect clarity.

And so today, I’m thankful for the rain, I’m thankful for the storm. And I’m thankful for my time to be an introvert indoors.

What are you thankful for today?

New Years Thoughts 2018-2019

Christmas is behind us, a new year is about to begin. I feel apprehensive. I know stepping from one year to the next isn’t really a change except for the dates we write, and yet, there is something refreshing about a clean slate.

As I said in my last post, I don’t feel nearly as prepared for it as usual. I’ve felt off balance. Like something’s looming. Good or bad, I’m uncertain.

I step into the new year with so many uncertainties. I’m not fully sure what I want, or what direction I want to take. Over the past couple days I’ve tried to do some more planning, but I’m just struggling to come up with goals in the way I used to.

Maybe some of it is knowing how uncertain our plans are. Even when we do make plans and goals, we don’t always follow through. I haven’t given up on the concept entirely, it’s just taking me longer than usual.

And I feel stuck. I have for a long time now. Holding on to the past a future, and it’s tearing me in two.

I want to let go, I want to step into a new year with hope for what it will contain. And yet…

And yet I’ve held on for so long. As if clinging to the things that have kept me safe in the past will keep me safe again in the future. A security blanket of sorts, and maybe it’s time to step out on my own.

I don’t know what’s coming, and I don’t fully feel prepared, but whatever it brings, I know I want to trust God with my future, even when I’m scared and the unknowns are closing in.

Sometimes I wish I just knew what I wanted my future to look like. Sometimes I wish the path were clearly laid out before me. But it isn’t. And even if it was, I think I’d feel boxed in, and want to break past those walls.

I haven’t been the most stable lately. I’ve lost a lot of my habits that have kept me grounded. Maybe that’s part of it too. It seems like this year more than others, the holidays have thrown me off balance.

There have been good moments, happy moments, things that I’ve enjoyed. But I’ve felt disconnected and detached in a way that I haven’t in a long time. And I don’t like that. I feel detached from myself, from others, from God…

I can’t say what this new year will bring. I’m finding more peace, or at least acceptance, in the face of uncertainty. But even that leaves me in a haze. It can be pleasant at times, though I’m not sure how to ground myself in reality.

Do you find that the holidays throw you off balance? What are your hopes for the coming year? I’d love to hear from you.

A New Year Coming

New years bring changes and challenges. For me it’s a time to reflect and reevaluate. It’s so easy to get caught up in the commotion of life, holidays, family and friends. It’s good to take a step back and look ahead to the future, holding the lessons of the past, to hopefully write a new story and create a better tomorrow.

I get stuck inside my head too often. Things over the past couple years have been shifting and changing, up until now it’s been a slow process, subtle changes and adjustments that add up over time. I’m continually amazed at how far I’ve come over the past few years, and yet, I’m still often dissatisfied at how slow the process is, that it works in shifts, rather than sudden changes.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling like maybe a bigger change is coming. I’m not sure if it’s the time of year, wishful thinking, or if there’s something more to this thought and feeling. But either way, I’m hoping that maybe a bigger (positive) change is on its way.

So far I haven’t done much planning. I don’t have a word selected, and I’m really not sure what this new year will hold. I have been doing some writing and processing though. It’s been a struggle at times, but it’s been good to wrestle with things that have been holding me hostage.

What are your hopes for the new year?

Seasons Change

Lately I’ve been feeling weird. Stuck in a different way. Maybe it’s the time of year. Maybe it’s a new year around the corner and realizing just how stuck I’ve been. I feel like I’m holding myself back, standing in my own way. But I’m not sure exactly why, or in what way.

I look to God for guidance, but sometimes it feels He’s silent. Waiting on me to make the next move, or make any decision. Maybe God isn’t invested in every detail. Maybe it’s important for us to go through the process of figuring it out on our own. Maybe it’s for our own good, our own healing.

I don’t want to give into my fears and doubts. I don’t want to give into the feeling like I don’t have a future. There’s been a spark of hope the past few days. Maybe it’s been being able to spend some more quality time with my husband.

Holidays change things. They change the atmosphere, the environment, the expectations. And somehow, through all that glittery daze, we’re able to see things in a different way.

Things are brought to light that were hidden just before. Hopes are brought to the open, where once they were buried beneath the weight of mundane life.

Seasons come, and seasons go. And yet. We remain.

What do we want to do with the time that we’ve been given?

Begin Again

The world is open. New hopes, new possibilities, new ideas.

I’m stepping into another chapter, maybe even a different book, and I have no idea what these new pages will hold.

There’s a slight bit of fear and apprehension, but mostly peace and a twinge of excitement.

Perfect timing for a change I suppose, right before the start of a new year. I’m not sure yet what my word of the year will be. I’m thinking possibly Action. Active over passive, that is what I want. So much of my life has been spent catering to the whims of others, so much of my time has been wasted on fears and anxieties, it’s time to start fresh, start new, start over, and begin again.

Leaving one story, and moving to the next, isn’t necessarily an end to the old, but it is a form of closure, where the past can be safely stored away, still accessible if necessary, but no longer dominating or controlling the future or the course of the next story.

I’m excited to find what the next era holds. A deep peace and willingness to release my own control has come over me, and my heart trusts the Author’s plans for my future.

What I Want

It’s a stormy day today, just the perfect kind of day to stay indoors and write. I’ve been far too busy lately, busy doing nothing, busy on busywork that just leaves me drained and without the mental or emotional energy to do anything else.

Have you ever been in such an introvert drain that you can’t even handle reading or watching tv because of the “social interaction”? It’s too much peopling.

As an INFJ, maybe just as a human, I need purpose in life. I want a deeper purpose, not just showing up to work on time and having some human interaction.

A friend asked me the other day what I want. This was when I was talking about being drained and overwhelmed with my current work load and responsibilities.

And I couldn’t answer. My mind has been so cluttered and filled with useless (not fun) nonsense that I couldn’t even honestly look at my own thoughts or feelings. The peopling and the obligations had (have) grown so great that I don’t even have the mental or emotional ability to assess my own life.

I needed that reminder, and her encouragement to step back. This isn’t working.

Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I think the main things I want are freedom and creativity.

I still have more processing to do, so this might be an impulsive answer, but it’s a start.

I’ve felt so creatively dry lately, and I think it takes a toll on me in every way. I haven’t had the chance to just sit down and create anything for myself in so long. I’ve had work things, but even those are mostly busywork that keeps me distracted from doing anything I actually care about.

A while ago I sat down and wrote down exactly what I wanted. Of course it was in a vague and abstract way, but those three categories still hold true, and I think I’ve lost sight of them.

The struggle to swim and save ourselves only makes drowning come more quickly. And maybe to others too.

I don’t want to live my life this way anymore. Something needs to change. I’m just not sure what that looks like yet.