Lately I’ve been feeling the need for deeper community. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s being so far away from family, maybe it’s the shortage of friends nearby, I have an awesome community around me, but I’m left feeling like I need more, like I want deeper, closer, and more intimate connections. And with more people.

I’m fortunate enough to have a few good friends close by, but people are busy and living their own lives. I don’t expect everyone to drop what they’re doing to cater to me, not by a long shot, I tend to have trouble in the opposite direction where I’m afraid to even acknowledge my needs to myself. But I need deeper connections, connections that go beyond a simple hi and small talk.

I miss my group. I had one as a teen, and it’s taken some time, but I really miss having those friends there. Some have drifted apart, some are still close (though communication has decreased and distances are far).

Sometimes I’m left feeling so alone. I think this blog is the one place that I do more honestly and genuinely share my feelings and struggles. Why is it that in real life, in person with people we only kind of know, it can be so hard? Why don’t I take those friendships deeper? I find myself pushing them away, or at least keeping them at arms length.

Still, I want more. Whether I sabotage myself every step of the way or not, I do miss having a community with deeper connections, I miss having friends that are actively involved in my life, and I in theirs.

So what am I going to do about it? I don’t want to just live my life as if I am the victim. I still have the power to decide how I will react to those around me, and the situations and people that are already there, and I still have the power to decide to reach out beyond that group, even if it’s well beyond my comfort zone.

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” – Tony Robbins

We’re nearing the halfway point of 2017. That really has me thinking about my goals and what I want from the rest of the year. I want to cultivate deeper friendships with those around me and surround myself with opportunities to meet new people and make new friends. Just thinking about it gives me some anxiety, but at the same time, it’s something that’s important to me.

A year from now, I want to have a tighter knit and larger community of people around me. I want to take the risk to be vulnerable and open up. I want to give myself, and others, the opportunity to find meaningful connections. Who knows, maybe I’ll enjoy the process more than I expect.

Do you struggle to find a community where you feel you belong? Do you have any goals for the second half of 2017? I’d love to hear your experience/plans in the comments. šŸ™‚

Relaxing Saturday

It’s amazing what a difference a week can make. Last weekend I was feeling drained and overwhelmed, unable to think clearly. This week… well, I feel like I’m really able to just relax. And oh how nice that is!

Maybe having a more productive yet less busy week has something to do with my mental state. Actually, I’m sure of it. It’s so nice to have a break to just chill at home without anything weighing on me or hanging over my head. Sure, I have tasks I could do, but nothing I absolutely have to do.

So I’m spending the day doing some writing, watching tv, just hanging out in pjs on the couch. Maybe in a bit I’ll have some tea or make some cookies. Baking is always good and I haven’t had the chance to do that in a while.

What are you up to this weekend?

Breathe In The Blank

My mind is blank. I keep searching for words to say, but they never seem to come. It’s like my mind is trapped behind a wall that I can’t access. I look for the door, but if one exists, I do not know how to find it.

I’ve been caught up in busyness and distraction. I definitely need to find more balance in my life, it seems like without it I just drift and get trampled when things catch up with me.

It’s funny how differently people can react. When I get overwhelmed, I tend to just shut down. I think this could be the HSP part of me, or maybe it’s just my introversion in general. Some withdraw, some create, some need comfort and reassurance from others, some need space alone to process.

A busy week ends with a busy weekend. I need to take a moment to slow down, catch my breath, and just breathe.

Do you find it difficult to concentrate after a lot of busyness and social interaction? What are some of your favorite ways to recover from a busy week?

New Month, New Chapters

I love the beginning of a new month. Blank pages and a clean start. I sat last night making my June goals and preparing my bullet journal for the month ahead, and it just filled me with such a freeing feeling.

Each day is something new. Each day we choose the life that we’re creating. It’s no longer about the mistakes behind us, our falls and our struggles, but rather looking ahead to the life that could be, the life that still remains yet to be written.

Isn’t it amazing how one day turns to another? How one month, and one season, gives way for another to take its place. Each one with it’s own story, lessons, and purpose. Oh what lives we could lead if only we understood potential!

One goal I have this month is to be more intentional about how I spend my time. I’ve been quite terrible about that lately, spending far too much time on things I don’t want to be doing, and very little on things I actually enjoy. I want to embrace my life for all that it could be and all that God wants to do in me. I don’t want to hold on to my limitations or my fears, instead, I want to trust God’s grace, that He is, and always will be faithful.

I want fearless hope as I turn the page to a new chapter and a better tomorrow.

On Introversion

Learning I’m an introvert gave me permission to feel the way I feel and to like the things I like. I never understood the appeal of crowds, or parties, or dating around. I grew up in a home with two extroverted parents, who definitely had an understanding and respect for my introverted needs. Maybe it wasn’t always as smooth as I would have liked, but I was definitely fortunate in that I wasn’t often completely trampled when I wanted something different.

I had a wide circle of friends as a child and a teenager. Things tapered off after I got married, moved a few times, and am now floating somewhere in between where I was and what I idealize.

But I wonder if introversion has given us a standard set of terms that we hold ourselves to. If it’s like a box that we try to fit into, because, let’s face it, that box is pretty dang comfy and cozy.

I’ve wondered if I’ve used my introversion as an excuse to just sit out of things, events, and cut off friendships that actually really matter to me. I expect everyone to be understanding and when they’re not or when those relationships inevitably dwindle, I’m somehow caught off guard as if I never expected it.

Learning of our introversion should be used as a gateway to understanding ourselves (and others) better, not as an excuse to bail on people. Though our needs have to be honored, that’s the only way we’ll function at our best. I suppose it’s a balancing act. And I’m beginning to learn how to manage it all.

Do you struggle finding balance between introvert needs and actively participating in other relationships? What things have you found helpful to balancing these different needs?

Color Connections

I’m really liking yellow lately. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it feels hopeful to me, vintage in a way, yet it carries with it the feeling of light and stability. I could use some of that, stability I mean. It feels safe.

There’s hope and new growth, golden without being cold. It’s calm, a color of spring, associated with joy and friendship, yet I didn’t always see it. It’s beautiful, musical, somehow I can’t explain.

It’s amazing how colors can influence us. Some can make us feel happy, some can make us feel sad. Some are tied to memories, and some to hopes and dreams for the future. So much of what we want can be seen through colors. I know that probably doesn’t make any sense, it’s just something I feel.

Are there any colors that you feel a connection to? What makes them special to you?

You Are Faithful

Storms hit. Thunder claps. And yet, I remain. Standing on the shore, the ruffled dress all around me, lapping in the wind, as if somehow urging me onward and still reassuring me that everything is going to be okay.

I don’t understand the paths that this life takes. I don’t know the reasons for all the ups and downs. And yet, I know that He is faithful. The One, True God, who always is, always was, and always will be. He holds me, He guards me, He frees me and delivers me.

I don’t have to fear. For His perfect love casts out fear.

Will there be scars, maybe. Probably. But you know the wonderful thing about scars? They’re evidence of battles we’ve fought and survived. Scars are no longer open wounds, they are proof that He heals.

He keeps us in perfect peace, whose minds are stayed on Him.

“Scars and struggles on the way, But with Joy our hearts can say, Never once did we ever walk alone, Carried by Your constant grace, Held within Your perfect peace, Never once, no, we never walk alone.”