Nothing And Everything

I feel like so many things have happened lately. So many shifts and changes. Subtle, but they’re there.

I feel isolated and alone, and yet I also feel over peopled and like I just want a break and a chance to step away.

I feel so much, and so little, all at the same time.

Do you ever feel that way?

All and nothing collide, and somewhere in the middle, there’s me, navigating through the storms, at times standing in the dry and barren desert, and at times swimming and drowning, just trying to stay afloat.

Does Meaning Matter?

I have another busy day today. Fortunately I finally got my house cleaned last weekend, so there’s less to worry about there.

Teaching and tying up loose ends before taking a break from some work stuff. Our team finally finished a project we’ve been working on for over two years, now I get some time off before starting the next one.

I’m not sure that I’ll get outside today, but it’s so bright and sunny. I’d love to go for a picnic.

Sometimes life feels like a trap. All of this pointless stuff, just so we can survive and die. But is there a purpose in the mundane? I used to think there was. But now, since my mundane looks different than I thought it would, I have a harder time finding meaning.

I’ve been in a weird place lately. I guess I have been for a long time, it’s just that these feelings come and go. I’m not particularly depressed, but I have a lot of thoughts.

One day trails into the next, and I don’t want to just take my life for granted.

But does having meaning matter? Maybe I just think it does and there’s really no purpose for it at all.

I have about 20 minutes to take a deep breath, and just be before the busyness starts.

Close your eyes. And just breathe.

What have you been up to this week?

Life

Life passes so quickly. This year has flown by, yet so much has happened and changed.

My internal landscape is different than it was. Some days I feel more hopeless, others more hopeful. Hills and valleys, ups and downs.

We don’t know where life is going to take us. But our stories are already written. How much easier would it be if we could just trust the Author? If we could just trust that He knows what He’s doing. And He knows how this story ends.

Navigating a new life isn’t always easy. Sometimes we don’t even recognize when a new one begins.

We can get so caught up in all the things we have to do, that we forget the things we need to do.

Our lives aren’t just for us.

I don’t want to live selfishly, but I do want to live protected. God is the only one with the strength to fight these battles.

Death

I just found out that my high school best friend’s mom died a couple days ago. An overwhelming feeling of sadness and heaviness has weighed on me the past few days. Now I’m wondering if this is why. If somehow my intuition knew. If somehow we’re still connected.

It’s been 3-4 years since my friend and I last spoke. We didn’t end on bad terms, our relationship just kind of drifted off with going different directions and living in different states.

And I’m not sure what to do. I’m thinking I’ll still send a card, and let her know that I’m here if she needs to talk.

But I don’t want to be trite.

I’m not sure how to handle death, how to process it. For much of my life I’ve seen death as an oddly beautiful thing. We have the hope of heaven, and ultimate peace that passes anything we could imagine.

And yet, there’s still the human side of things. I haven’t ever lost anyone really close to be before. Great grandparents. A few people from church who made an impact, but who I wasn’t truly close to.

Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. I don’t know how I should feel, or even what I do feel. I just feel so disconnected from myself, and it’s hard to make it feel real.

I can feel the feelings of others so strongly, but I’m so blind to my own. Maybe this is why INFJs can make bad relationship decisions, we fuse too easily.

I feel other people’s feelings so much stronger than my own sometimes. And I know if I actually spoke to her, I’d probably break.

This also makes me question how I’m living. Is my life fully sold out for God? And am I isolating in ways that I never should?

I want to live a life that matters as I’m living it. And I want to be there for others, to love and understand them. I want to give the mental and emotional support I so often feel I need. I want to encourage, and bless.

And I don’t want to be silent in the midst of pain. I don’t want to pretend that struggles and heartache don’t exist. I want others to know that it’s okay to process, and feel, and grieve. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a life they thought they’d have.

We don’t know how our stories will unfold. We don’t know what will happen next. But whether we live or die, we can hope in Christ, because He is our life. And He already knows the answers.

And through the darkness of death, God can breathe new life.

Introvert Needs

Sometimes I just want to curl up alone, wall myself off from the world, and just retreat into my own mind.

It isn’t often I fully give in, but there are times where I do just that.

The busyness of life can become overwhelming. Especially this time of year when everyone’s getting together and there’s always something to do.

But sometimes I need a moment for myself. To withdraw just to recharge. Saying no is okay. And I don’t have to feel guilty for every invitation I turn down.

I’ve always struggled with boundaries, but it’s getting easier. I think realizing that it’s a need, not just a selfish want can help. If I don’t hold to boundaries, I’m not going to be giving my best self.

It’s okay to take a step back. Rest. Recharge.

I don’t have the energy to keep up with everything, and that’s okay. I need to be intentional and selective in what I choose to say yes to, so that my yes can be wholehearted rather than dismayed.

I’ll get back to “real life” at a later time, but for now, I’m just going to explore the world in my mind for a while.

New Day

Oh the joy of a new book and cup of hot tea. I haven’t done much reading in a while. I’ve been dabbling in writing, but it’s going… Eh, slow.

I’m more comfortable accepting that process, knowing that I cannot rush it, but that everything happens in its time.

I’m thankful for the simple pleasures, the things that make life a little more grounded. I’m thankful for the time I have to sit and enjoy it.

Projects are pressing in around me, and for the first time in a long time, I feel the buzz of excitement welling up inside me. I look forward to working on new things. It’s exciting to see the process.

But for now, I sit with my cup of tea, enjoying my escape into another world.

Do you have any book recommendations? I’d love to hear your ideas!

Gaining New Perspective

It’s a sunny day. I sit in the warmth, longing for a glass of tea. I’m doing some planning, some rearranging. Life feels different now, though I’m not sure how I could put it into words.

We plan and schedule. Hope and dream.

Awhile ago I went through old notebooks. I’ve done this before, and I do it again from time to time, but it was interesting to see the difference of where I was to where I am.

In so many ways I feel like I haven’t changed, and yet, in so many others, it’s hard to believe I’m even the same person… It feels like a different life.

Maybe this is one of the blessings God gives us, He allows us to live many different lives all in one go.

This isn’t over yet, and I’m not sure of the person I will become next. We’re all in a process of growth, change, evolution. If we don’t change, if we don’t grow, then what becomes of the lessons we’ve learned?

I hope to always look back and find a different person. I’ve at times been bothered by this. The INFJ question, a question that might be core to us all: who am I?

Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s always changing.

And maybe that’s a good thing. Because it means that we’ve learned, we’ve grown. Our mistakes were not for nothing. And we’re able to emerge new and revived, gaining fresh perspective as we go.