I just found out that my high school best friend’s mom died a couple days ago. An overwhelming feeling of sadness and heaviness has weighed on me the past few days. Now I’m wondering if this is why. If somehow my intuition knew. If somehow we’re still connected.
It’s been 3-4 years since my friend and I last spoke. We didn’t end on bad terms, our relationship just kind of drifted off with going different directions and living in different states.
And I’m not sure what to do. I’m thinking I’ll still send a card, and let her know that I’m here if she needs to talk.
But I don’t want to be trite.
I’m not sure how to handle death, how to process it. For much of my life I’ve seen death as an oddly beautiful thing. We have the hope of heaven, and ultimate peace that passes anything we could imagine.
And yet, there’s still the human side of things. I haven’t ever lost anyone really close to be before. Great grandparents. A few people from church who made an impact, but who I wasn’t truly close to.
Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. I don’t know how I should feel, or even what I do feel. I just feel so disconnected from myself, and it’s hard to make it feel real.
I can feel the feelings of others so strongly, but I’m so blind to my own. Maybe this is why INFJs can make bad relationship decisions, we fuse too easily.
I feel other people’s feelings so much stronger than my own sometimes. And I know if I actually spoke to her, I’d probably break.
This also makes me question how I’m living. Is my life fully sold out for God? And am I isolating in ways that I never should?
I want to live a life that matters as I’m living it. And I want to be there for others, to love and understand them. I want to give the mental and emotional support I so often feel I need. I want to encourage, and bless.
And I don’t want to be silent in the midst of pain. I don’t want to pretend that struggles and heartache don’t exist. I want others to know that it’s okay to process, and feel, and grieve. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a life they thought they’d have.
We don’t know how our stories will unfold. We don’t know what will happen next. But whether we live or die, we can hope in Christ, because He is our life. And He already knows the answers.
And through the darkness of death, God can breathe new life.