Letting Go

I’ve held on so tightly for so long. Now that I’m entering a new phase and new era, I’m not sure what to make of it.

I know that God holds my future, whatever my future holds. And I will trust Him. I will hope in Him again. He was faithful before, He’ll be faithful again.

Nothing is lost that is given to Him. He is faithful to redeem and restore. Not because of us, but because of Him.

We don’t have to hold so tightly to our own lives. We never had the control we thought we had in the first place. But we can trust the One who does. He holds us so close, so secure, so safe in His loving arms.

We are never alone. Never forsaken. Never abandoned. But we are held, forever loved, in the arms of a loving Father.

Striving To Hide

Sometimes we’re left feeling lonely and uncertain. We turn away from the light, because we’re afraid for our scars to be seen.

God comforts the brokenhearted, shouldn’t we do the same?

Isolation kills. Literally, they’ve done studies.

And I’m saddened by how many people live life alone.

But there’s a different side to this story. Yes, some are tragically alone. Some have no one, some have been burned so badly they’re afraid to reach out, or simply don’t know how. Some have illnesses or other things that get in the way. But some… Some have brought their isolation on themselves.

There are cruel people in this world. It’s taken me a long time to even partially come to some form of acceptance of that.

I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s pain or loneliness, and I don’t want to be the type of person who doesn’t just get along with everyone. But sometimes, you can’t.

We can feel pity, without being guilty. And sometimes, we have to face the things we don’t want to face. Sometimes that means realizing that chasing after people and things, can also be unhealthy. We can distort our good intentions and turn them into destructive arrows that only kill ourselves.

What we don’t realize, while we’re slowly steeping in that pot, is that the water is starting to boil, and if we don’t get out, we too will die in isolation.

Sometimes saving others from isolation means isolating ourselves. And we were never meant to be the savior. Only Christ can be the Savior. And it isn’t honoring to Him to try to take His place, nor is it obeying His commands when we destroy our bodies and minds, the place He calls His temple.

Our self-righteous causes come with a hefty price. And, unfortunately, sometimes we can’t see that until it’s too late.

I’ve been straddling the line, walking in between. Cutting unhealthy relationships off only when absolutely necessary, and even then still carrying around the guilt and self-condemnation that I couldn’t live up to being what God never created me to be.

When I’ve been doing this, although I haven’t always realized it, I haven’t fully, really and truly, been willing to trust. And that idea deeply grieves me. Knowing that I’ve put people, and even myself, above God as I’ve strived to to fill my selfish and self-righteous standards.

God knows all my scars. I choose to no longer chase the safety of darkness, but to turn instead to face the light, and the truth and reality of what has happened. I am not the savior, and God has never called me to be, He’s already done that. He just asks that I trust Him, and no longer diminish the price that He’s already paid, that I no longer diminish the value of His life by saying He needs me to fill the lack of what I pridefully say He hasn’t provided.

Simple Reminders

Lately I’ve been craving strawberries. We went shopping last night, and they happened to be on sale, so we bought two cartons. I can’t even begin to say how wonderful it was to enjoy those strawberries.

Sometimes we need simple pleasures in life, even if it’s just a basket of fruit. It’s good to take a moment just to enjoy and be present.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” – Proverbs 13:12

God is good, and God is faithful, even the little things, like a carton of strawberries, can serve as a reminder that He does give good gifts. And the blessing of strawberries can be so sweet and satisfying, how much more the big things we’re waiting for?

Seeing Hope For The Future

I’m slowly beginning to trust. “The sun comes up it’s a new day dawning.” I’m feeling more peace, more hope, I’m beginning to believe that this isn’t the end and that God has a plan to not only bring me through this, but free me completely and redeem every part of the path that’s lead me to where I am, and will lead me where I’m going.

I can now say I know what it’s like to look back and see the hand of God at work in my life. I look at where I was, and where I am, and all I can say is that it’s impossible. It’s impossible that I could have come from where I was to this point. God is faithful, He’s the God of the impossible. There’s no denying it’s Him, because without Him, none of this could have come to be.

And I feel peace.

The waves wash over me, this time, they’re cleansing, soothing and healing, washing away all the hurt and pain, and giving me hope for a new day. Some form of future lies ahead, and I’m beginning to believe that the future will contain blessings. I’m blessed beyond the curse and His promise will endure. And His joy will be my strength.

I’ve found such joy and peace in Him, it’s impossible, and unexplainable, all I can say is that I am so extremely and abundantly grateful. I’m beginning to believe that there’s still a plan for me, that God hasn’t forgotten me, and His plans are still bigger than my own, and He will save me; in many ways, He already has.

It’s hard to hold on in the darkest of nights, the times when we feel all hope is lost and there’s no way to overcome, when we’re being beaten down by the waves that crash around us and they just keep coming. The more we try to stay afloat, the faster we drown. But He reaches down to save us. Against all odds, against all human understanding.

I’m beginning to trust that there is a future full of love and light and hope.

We serve a big God, a God who still does miracles, a God who doesn’t just allow us to have what we hoped to have, but a God who wants to pull back the veil of our eyes and show us the impossible.

Chosen

I was helping in the Sunday school classroom this past weekend. At the end of it a little boy said that the made a new friend, the lead teacher asked him who it was, and he pointed to me.

He had helped me clean up, and I played with him some at the beginning of the class, but we didn’t interact a whole lot besides that. And it just got me thinking. It does feel nice to be chosen, and to know that at least on some level we have an impact on those around us. Even small things can mean so much.

I want to help others feel chosen and loved, and I suppose in some way I must have helped this little boy feel that way. And that’s how it works with God. We love because He first loved us.

God isn’t cruel or harsh, though we can project a lot of gunk from the world and sinful people onto Him. God is merciful and kind, and He gently restores us and shows us His love… when we’ll let Him.

I’ve thought a lot lately about receiving love. And how many times we block it, and don’t feel it because we can’t receive it. I know I’ve blocked others and pushed them away, unable to accept their love, and therefore end up not feeling it, even though it’s clearly there.

Then there have been other times that I’ve tried and pushed and given people chances far after I should have closed the door because I wanted love to be there even though it wasn’t.

I don’t really know what I’m saying, but love is a funny thing. And being chosen, that can feel a lot like love. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. But God is always faithful, and He’s always kind, and He’s always standing there, waiting for us to reach back out to Him, waiting for us to receive the love He so greatly wants to give. God doesn’t want us to go through this life alone.

Our view of God often says more about us than it does about Him.

It’s so easy to be cynical and allow the dysfunction of the world or the people around us to taint our view of God. And it’s so sad because in doing so, we push away the One who loves us most. We project judgement onto God, when what God really wants for us is love. Do we rest secure in that love, or do we push it away and reject it?

Look Above The Waves

There are times we focus on our storms, and times we focus on our God. It’s amazing what a difference just the direction of our eyes can make. We move toward what we’re looking to. And whatever we move toward seems to have a growing impact in our surroundings.

I’ve spent so much time looking at my storms, so many days, weeks, years even. Sometimes it seems easier to trust in the midst of a storm. It’s then that we cling to the rock like it’s the only way to survive (and it often is), but what if we braced ourselves and planted our feet solidly on the Rock before we needed it for even basic psychological survival? What if we saw God as the God of the living, rather than the god of the dead?

He is the living God, so why don’t we think of Him that way? Where along the way have we lost our sense of awe and wonder?

I’m not saying everyone has done this, I’m saying that I have. I have done this far more often than I would like to admit. And I want that sense of awe and reverence. I have glimpses of it, moments. But the thing about it is that we can only truly appreciate what we know. If we don’t know Him, how can we be in awe and wonder at the magnificence of Him?

I’m learning, slowly, to trust. He keeps my eyes above the storms. And I’m starting to learn of His kindness, gentleness and infinite patience toward me; I’m finally learning to trust and rest in His grace.

God doesn’t beat us into submission, He lovingly reaches out and restores His children. He gently rescues us from drowning and brings us back to life.

God’s Story

It’s a gloomy day today. I sit with my cup of tea and ponder the paths my life could take, and all the things I have the potential to do and be. I allow myself to dream.

Sometimes we get so stuck in the hopelessness of our reality that we forget to hope for what could someday be. We project all the negativity we experience in the present, onto the future. But that’s not how God wants us to live…

He has plans for us, whether or not we can see them. He has a purpose for each and every one of us, whether or not we believe it.

But sometimes we have to align ourselves with the truth in order to find the hope that still exists for us.

God hasn’t forgotten. He sees it all, and He already knows how this story ends.

I’ve been thinking about writing again… I go back and forth on it, not fully sure that I want to commit to another book or another story, and yet, there’s a part of me that misses that creative outlet.

I’m not sure what the future holds. But in this moment, instead of being overtaken by my feelings or the fears that can so easily control me, I take a step back and realize, this story isn’t finished, and it isn’t too late for me.

Things often get worse before they get better, sometimes we need to break in order to heal. God hasn’t forgotten. We are still His children, and He is still a faithful God.

The stars still shine beyond the clouds of the darkest night, so too, does our hope remain, as long as we’re trusting Him.

His plans and His story for us is for our good. And this story isn’t finished yet.

Protector

God is our protector. As an INFJ (titled protector on some sites), that attribute resonates with me deeply. This life can be scary, storms hit and we don’t always know what to do. We can’t always see past the waves, and sometimes it feels like we’re just inevitably going under. God is faithful through it all. He keeps our eyes above the waves and helps to see us through the storms.

All we have to do is keep our eyes on Him and He will be our refuge from the storm. He gives us peace that passes all understanding, even when I am undeserving. We can walk safe and secure, knowing God has our time in His hands. I am so thankful to have a protector who loves me through it all. Our lives aren’t determined by the wind and the waves, but by the power of His grace.

God’s Love Is Patient

“Love is patient…”

I’ve always found it interesting that in First Corinthians the first “love is…” statement is that love is patient. I’m a VERY impatient person. I like having everything situated when it’s supposed to be situated, and I don’t like waiting around. I don’t like making others wait either.

But love is patient. And God is love. So God is also patient.

It’s taken me a long time to reach that realization, that God is patient. But through some trials, and some intense periods of waiting in my own life, I’ve come to know and experience the truth of it. God really is patient with us. With me.

Sometimes He makes us wait for things when we want them right away, sometimes the answer is no and we get frustrated with Him for not just answering our prayers right now and right this way. But He is perfect, His way is perfect, and He is a shield to all who trust in Him. Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength. And He is faithful.

I’ve been so caught up in all the ways I’ve been waiting for God to move in my life, that I’ve forgotten to just be thankful for how patient He is as He waits around for me, waiting for me to come back to Him, waiting for me to love Him, and receive His love for me. I haven’t always been able to accept it, but I want to.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. And I am so incredibly thankful that God is patient with me, and never gives up on me, even when I take my dear sweet time to work through it. So often we wonder where God is in our struggle, yet we miss that we struggle with things He’s already asked us to hand over to Him. He wants to bless us, but we don’t always let Him.

I’m thankful for His love today, and I’m thankful for His incredible patience that extends far beyond what I can even imagine.

When The Answers Don’t Come

The past few days have approached me with some tricky decisions. I haven’t been sure of which path I should take, and which way I should go. God has the answers, even when I don’t, though I’m not always the best at going to Him first. Sometimes I wait until it’s too late and I’m in too deep.

This time, I’ve been blessed with answers. Though I’m sure there will again come times where the same question is faced. Maybe I’ll have different answers then, but that’s not something I need to worry about right now. All we have is this moment, nothing else is guaranteed.

I am so incredibly grateful for the answers I’ve received, but what about those times when an answer never comes?

Those times are the times that God allows us to know just how strong we really are. He uses those times to help us to grow, and to show His grace and mercy even through the pain.

Sometimes the answers don’t come. I think that’s the real test, are we willing to trust Him anyway? Are we willing to walk by faith, even when we cannot see?