Small Talk

Small talk. Everyone expects it, does anyone like it?

This holiday season my husband and I attended several parties. We arrived late and left early for most of them… intentionally.

One in particular was really enjoyable. But most of the rest were awkward at best and I spent more time standing alone in a corner, trying to blend in and disappear, than I did interacting, and what interactions I did have were mostly small talk.

I want to have deeper connections with people. I don’t mind talking about the surfacy things when there’s something deeper underneath. And how to we bridge that gap between awkward small talk and meaningful connections?

I’ve been even more off my social game lately. Too many life things getting in the way. We’re in a new year, a new decade, and I’m facing some major changes. I’m not sure what comes next, but I do want to be more intentional about reaching out and forming connections that matter. Going beyond small talk, and diving into more interesting things.

How do you handle social interactions and small talk?

Busy Time Of Year

Can we all agree that work Christmas parties are exhausting?

My husband and I had one the other night. It was held in a bar in the city, the space was cramped… and LOUD.

It was draining just stepping into the narrow room, let alone attempting to interact with people I barely know.

2 parties down, 3 to go.

I love Christmas. I really do. The coziness of it all, the music, cheesy movies, the baking, hot cocoa, the soft glow of Christmas lights…

This year it feels different though. In some ways I’m not as into it. There are just over two weeks left until Christmas, and I barely feel ready for it at all. And yet, there’s also a familiar safety and excitement about it that I haven’t felt in a long time.

God’s done a lot in this past year. I’m a different person than I was last year, that’s for sure. And yet there are still some of those familiar things that stay the same.

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I’m beginning to feel more peace about it, I’m beginning to see God’s grace in my waiting, in my wondering. And because of that, I’m feeling more peace, and hope, and joy.

I’m also feeling very drained from all the busyness over the past few weeks. I’m looking forward to just having a day to myself tomorrow to rest and recalibrate.

As an introvert and HSP I find it’s even more necessary to set some boundaries around my time and make sure I get the quiet time I need in order to show up fully present (or as present as possible) in the holiday festivities.

Do you have a lot going on this year? Do you enjoy the holiday busyness, or find it overwhelming? What things have helped you manage the busyness and expectations?

As for me, I’m going to sit down and enjoy a nice cup of hot tea and our first batch of Christmas cookies. 🙂

One Wish

If I had one wish…

I’d wish to be free.

I’d wish to be exactly who I was always meant to be.

I’d wish to be unashamed to be exactly who I am.

I’d wish to feel safe, without fear for the moment or the future.

I’d wish to be me. Fully and unapologetically.

Nothing And Everything

I feel like so many things have happened lately. So many shifts and changes. Subtle, but they’re there.

I feel isolated and alone, and yet I also feel over peopled and like I just want a break and a chance to step away.

I feel so much, and so little, all at the same time.

Do you ever feel that way?

All and nothing collide, and somewhere in the middle, there’s me, navigating through the storms, at times standing in the dry and barren desert, and at times swimming and drowning, just trying to stay afloat.

Introvert Needs

Sometimes I just want to curl up alone, wall myself off from the world, and just retreat into my own mind.

It isn’t often I fully give in, but there are times where I do just that.

The busyness of life can become overwhelming. Especially this time of year when everyone’s getting together and there’s always something to do.

But sometimes I need a moment for myself. To withdraw just to recharge. Saying no is okay. And I don’t have to feel guilty for every invitation I turn down.

I’ve always struggled with boundaries, but it’s getting easier. I think realizing that it’s a need, not just a selfish want can help. If I don’t hold to boundaries, I’m not going to be giving my best self.

It’s okay to take a step back. Rest. Recharge.

I don’t have the energy to keep up with everything, and that’s okay. I need to be intentional and selective in what I choose to say yes to, so that my yes can be wholehearted rather than dismayed.

I’ll get back to “real life” at a later time, but for now, I’m just going to explore the world in my mind for a while.

Morning Walks

For the past week or so my husband and I have been going for a walk first thing in the morning. I love starting my day that way, though it’s taken some adjustment to more actively interact before having quiet time alone.

This morning there was a chill in the air. I should have bundled up a bit more than I did, but the sun sprinkling through the trees brought so much joy to me. I love that we can share this with one another. Those peaceful, quiet moments in nature.

It’s interesting how it’s changed the tone of the day. I process things differently out loud than I do on paper, though I’m finding that sometimes, having the time outdoors to mull things over in my mind, or the freedom to talk with my husband, is actually helping me process in a different way. I’m not feeling as stuck or stagnant… In certain ways anyway.

And I think it’s also deepening our relationship. It’s also nice to know that we have time set aside to just be with each other every morning before the events of the day drain either of us or affect where we are.

Do you have morning rituals? How do you feel about walks, exercise, or nature first thing? I’d love to hear how you start your day. 🙂

Fair Se

This past weekend my husband and I went to a fair. I don’t do well with crowds, but I handled this surprisingly well and found I actually enjoyed it.

It was good to spend some time together, to go out and do something different, to share experiences, not just a tv show or a meal.

I’m realizing lately just how much my Se controls me. I can do this. I can’t do that. This thing is too much, that thing is not enough.

I don’t like it. But I’m also learning how to let it in without making all the decisions, yet still have a say.

I suppose it really is like a 3-year-old. You need limits and boundaries, but still need to acknowledge it as real, and valid, and valuable with its own thoughts and opinions and preferences.

But what I’m realizing too, is that as I’m allowing my Se to play, I’m feeling much more relaxed and enjoying things I wouldn’t have allowed myself to before. I think full integration of ourselves and our personalities is important to living a fulfilling life.

I’m still at the early stages I suppose, so I haven’t fully figured it out yet, but I’m learning, and progress is what matters.

Or it could just be that I still have a difficult time knowing my own feelings. Oh, the life of an INFJ.

Bad Reputation

I’m realizing lately that I have a fixation on maintaining a good reputation. I burn myself out trying to please and impress people I don’t even know or shouldn’t even care about.

I know it comes from how I grew up, so it’s deeply ingrained, and yet, it’s also highly destructive, and prevents me from connecting authentically with the people around me.

Which then leads to spirals of shame… Because I don’t want to be a fake person and I don’t want to push people away. I don’t want to be seen as fake. I also don’t want to be seen as weak. But it’s in our weaknesses and vulnerabilities that we can authentically connect with others.

I’m scared to be seen, because I already feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I suppose I fear rejection. Maybe we all do. But I don’t want to strive to have it all together. I want to be open that sometimes I’m broken, and that’s okay.

This blog has been a place I’ve felt free, and safe to share. Thank you for giving that to me. And thank you for being there.

In a world where I don’t belong, what does it mean to be real?

Cloudy Day Wanderings

I sit on this dreary day with a cup of tea that’s grown cold. I’m allowing myself to take things slowly, one step at a time. I feel that something’s changing in me, shifting without my conscious awareness, and yet, I feel God in the silence.

Clouds cover the sky above, but I know it still shines bright blue beyond. I don’t know the journeys I take, but I know that God is ever faithful, leading and guiding me further into His endless grace.

My thoughts spin and wander. I’m unsure of where even they are going. And that’s ok.

I spent some time writing this morning. I wandered in a forest again, as I nearly always doing when a pen touches blank paper. My mind is free to explore.

God works in mysterious ways. I feel Him changing me. My heart gains a new perspective and I’m not yet sure how to put it into words.

Storms don’t last forever.

And that’s what He’s reassuring me of… No matter how bad it sometimes seems, this too shall pass and I’ll see the light of a new day dawning. He can calm the winds and waves, and He can calm the storms in our lives.

We can be still. We can trust Him. And sometimes, we can cuddle up all cozy inside with a fresh cup of tea as we wait for the storm to pass.

Rainy Relief

It’s a beautiful, gloomy, rainy day today. I’ve missed the rain. It brings me a small form of comfort when I otherwise feel lost and broken, for this moment, I can be safe and sheltered from the storm.

I haven’t been myself lately. A dark cloud has hung over me, and sometimes I fear I might never escape, but I have to believe in a future beyond the horizon.

Everything is muddled. My thoughts are jumbled in my mind like an incoherent gargle, like the adults on Charlie Brown. My thoughts are distractions that keep me awake, but they don’t seem to go anywhere.

There’s a constant undercurrent of stress, as I know I’m forgetting things I want, sometimes need, to remember. I know I’m forgetting deadlines, and projects, and to-dos that others are relying on me for. I have a bullet journal, but even that has become a sparse comparison to what my life could have been.

I don’t have an answer, or a solution for depression. I don’t have a quick or each way out of this pit. I can trust that God is faithful, He’s brought me out of it and beyond it before, and He will do it again. But in the moment, my whole body aches with the weight of this life.

I just want to wall myself off, close in alone, drink steaming hot tea, curl up with a good book. But even that won’t hold my attention anymore. I’m distracted, jumping from one thing to the next, never truly feeling or engaging in any of it.

Numbness and apathy take over, and I find myself slogging through the motions of a half-lived life.

I’m not sure when I’ll find true relief. For the moment I try to calm my stress by being present, but that’s a struggle.

The rain serves as a reminder that I’m not alone, there’s still a purpose and a plan, there’s still hope for me, even in this place. Because my God is faithful. And He provides the rain.