So Many Questions

What does it mean to be healed? What does it mean to be whole? Are we really who we think we are? Or are our identities just an illusion, maybe even our fear?

I’m not sure what the purpose of this life is. I’m not sure if meaning exists at all. I feel that each time these things come up again, I’m pulled backward and fall down.

This is how we rise. We can’t stand up unless we fall.

Maybe it isn’t about what we see, or feel, or think. Maybe it isn’t about who we are at all. Maybe it’s about taking one step at a time, always moving forward, even when we fall backwards.

Maybe it’s learning to let go, to trust, to surrender. Maybe it’s about learning to come to terms with a life that doesn’t feel like our own.

Maybe hope looks different than we thought it would. And maybe this is our turn to break the silence.

Maybe our lives are a drop in the ocean. But maybe that tiny drop can still make a difference after all.

Unknown

We head into the unknown. A future, white as snow. Washed clean from all the things we’ve been holding back.

We don’t need to know exactly what’s on the other side. We just need to trust enough to take that leap, to take the step and try.

I’ve never been very certain about my life. I thought I was, as a teen, but those years are gone and new ones have come.

Turmoil and uncertainty have taken a toll on me, they’ve changed me in ways I never could have imagined. And now, I stand waiting to find what comes next.

I’m okay with it. I’m feeling peace. It’s a new type of peace, feeling a weight lifted, feeling some freedom.

I don’t know what’s next. And maybe I never will. I’m learning that it’s okay.

I don’t need to know what my future holds to have hope for better days ahead. I just need to remember that time is not as fluid as we might like to believe, and everything will always change.

Nothing stays the same forever. Guilt, grief, or gladness, who’s to say what happens next?

This time, I step into the unknown without fear for the future, because in this moment I know, my future is already held. Unknown to me, but deeply known by my Father.

Letting Go

I’ve held on so tightly for so long. Now that I’m entering a new phase and new era, I’m not sure what to make of it.

I know that God holds my future, whatever my future holds. And I will trust Him. I will hope in Him again. He was faithful before, He’ll be faithful again.

Nothing is lost that is given to Him. He is faithful to redeem and restore. Not because of us, but because of Him.

We don’t have to hold so tightly to our own lives. We never had the control we thought we had in the first place. But we can trust the One who does. He holds us so close, so secure, so safe in His loving arms.

We are never alone. Never forsaken. Never abandoned. But we are held, forever loved, in the arms of a loving Father.

Into The Waves

I step into the waves, this time unafraid. I know that there’s great power in the water, but there is greater power in my God.

The storms have not overtaken me, they haven’t yet, and they won’t be able to. They have not been given that authority.

My fate rests in the hands of the One who created me. And it is in Him, I will trust. If He asks me to enter the waves, then that’s what I will do, trusting that He will lead me through the storm, over the water, and into a boat, safely to shore.

Beauty Despite…

Depression hangs above us like a dark cloud, but God is faithful, and He is faithful to bring something beautiful from it.

There were so many times that I asked God why He let me go through some of the things I have, and now, I’m beginning to understand that if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be able to understand others who have needed it. I was able to meet a need, not because I had it all together, but because I ad walked through darkness and suffering. Because I understood the pain they were feeling.

I wouldn’t have had that otherwise.

Lately I’ve had a hard time fully understanding my own thoughts and emotions, more so than usual. And in some ways I’m at peace about it, and some ways it makes me more anxious. But I’ve had moments of clarity. Moments where I can start to see beyond the clouds to a new day, to the light that shines through, persistent regardless of the darkness below. And I am so thankful for a God who is so completely faithful and kind.

Holding It All Together

I can’t even tell you how often I fight for control. Control of how others view me. Control of how my life ends up.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve jumped in to save others, instead of just being there to listen and patiently understand.

But sometimes I’m tired of holding it all together. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay, that I’m not falling apart, that this life as I live it is something I’m content with. I have moments, but I want more.

With all my attempts to control the outcomes, I’ve lost sight of the true Anchor through my storms.

I’m not the savior. And I don’t have to have it all together. It’s okay to break. It’s okay to fall apart. And it’s okay to be content being where I am, knowing that seasons change and nothing lasts forever.

I want to appreciate every moment as it comes, without being thrown off track because I’m too busy trying to protect something that isn’t even mine to control.

God is our protector. He is our strength and our shield. And it’s time I step aside and allow Him to work, rather than pretending that I can hold it all together and make things right that are far too big for me to understand.

When I let go, and give Him control, He is always faithful to make something far more beautiful than I ever could. And He always leads us to grow.

Get Back Up

One day blends into another and I’m left racing to catch up. I take a breath, step back, wait, listen. But it doesn’t seem to do any good.

It’s only when I release control that I’m able to find peace. It’s only in trusting God, the Author and Maker of everything that I’m able to find rest.

I don’t know what the future holds. And it’s a scary thought sometimes. But I do know one thing, and that is that God is faithful. He is always faithful. And He often protects us in ways we can’t immediately see or understand.

Even if He allows us to trip and fall, He will still pick us back up and lift us higher than we were before. We’re strengthened by the falls, strengthened by the rise. And this is why I get back up again, because my God is greater than anything I may face in life.

Drifting

This past weekend was a bit odd for me. Nothing seemed satisfying, anything we could do seemed boring. I suppose that’s what depression will do, it sucks the life and joy out of everything.

But I’m okay.

I haven’t always been during these times, but this time, I feel God keeping my head above the waves, and I’m not as drawn in.

God doesn’t always remove the storm, but His grace still keeps us afloat. Beyond our strength, or our understanding. God is faithful. And we may not always understand it, but He can hold us up and encourage and equip us even in the waves.

Believe Again

It’s a cloudy day today. I sit inside, grateful for the home I have, knowing that others are left outside in the cold… And I just want to do something that makes a difference.

Everything feels cloudy lately. Like this dark cloud is always hovering over me, threatening to break open and release a downpour of depression, anxiety, and uncertainty.

I want hope. I want to make a difference. My life sometimes feels trite and meaningless. And I wonder if anything I do even matters. I want to have a voice. I want to speak. I want to bring life, and love. And somehow, I keep coming up empty.

But maybe it’s the emptiness that will allow me to be filled. In the right time, when God knows that it’s right.

So I will rest and trust His grace. Even when His plan is not my own. And I will choose to remember what He’s done before, and know that He can do it again.

Because God is faithful, and He does not forget His children.

Cloudy Day Wanderings

I sit on this dreary day with a cup of tea that’s grown cold. I’m allowing myself to take things slowly, one step at a time. I feel that something’s changing in me, shifting without my conscious awareness, and yet, I feel God in the silence.

Clouds cover the sky above, but I know it still shines bright blue beyond. I don’t know the journeys I take, but I know that God is ever faithful, leading and guiding me further into His endless grace.

My thoughts spin and wander. I’m unsure of where even they are going. And that’s ok.

I spent some time writing this morning. I wandered in a forest again, as I nearly always doing when a pen touches blank paper. My mind is free to explore.

God works in mysterious ways. I feel Him changing me. My heart gains a new perspective and I’m not yet sure how to put it into words.

Storms don’t last forever.

And that’s what He’s reassuring me of… No matter how bad it sometimes seems, this too shall pass and I’ll see the light of a new day dawning. He can calm the winds and waves, and He can calm the storms in our lives.

We can be still. We can trust Him. And sometimes, we can cuddle up all cozy inside with a fresh cup of tea as we wait for the storm to pass.