Busy Time Of Year

Can we all agree that work Christmas parties are exhausting?

My husband and I had one the other night. It was held in a bar in the city, the space was cramped… and LOUD.

It was draining just stepping into the narrow room, let alone attempting to interact with people I barely know.

2 parties down, 3 to go.

I love Christmas. I really do. The coziness of it all, the music, cheesy movies, the baking, hot cocoa, the soft glow of Christmas lights…

This year it feels different though. In some ways I’m not as into it. There are just over two weeks left until Christmas, and I barely feel ready for it at all. And yet, there’s also a familiar safety and excitement about it that I haven’t felt in a long time.

God’s done a lot in this past year. I’m a different person than I was last year, that’s for sure. And yet there are still some of those familiar things that stay the same.

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I’m beginning to feel more peace about it, I’m beginning to see God’s grace in my waiting, in my wondering. And because of that, I’m feeling more peace, and hope, and joy.

I’m also feeling very drained from all the busyness over the past few weeks. I’m looking forward to just having a day to myself tomorrow to rest and recalibrate.

As an introvert and HSP I find it’s even more necessary to set some boundaries around my time and make sure I get the quiet time I need in order to show up fully present (or as present as possible) in the holiday festivities.

Do you have a lot going on this year? Do you enjoy the holiday busyness, or find it overwhelming? What things have helped you manage the busyness and expectations?

As for me, I’m going to sit down and enjoy a nice cup of hot tea and our first batch of Christmas cookies. 🙂

New Beginnings

The past few months have been hard. Very hard. I’ve broken in ways I didn’t know were possible. There’s no need to go into details, but I need time and space to heal.

I haven’t been writing, haven’t really been creating, and I haven’t even really journaled. I know the journaling part needs to change, and the others will follow. That’s where I need to start right now.

I’m intentionally taking a step back from blogging. I’m not saying I’m gone forever, but still wanted to let you know. At the moment I’m not putting a timeline on myself.

This community, each one of you who has responded, commented, encouraged me, shared your experiences, means more to me than you know. Thank you. Thank you for reading my ramblings, my thoughts, and all the emotional ups and downs. Thank you for being there, thank you for sharing and for support.

Even in typing this, I have ideas for other things I could write and share. Maybe it’s just about sitting down and doing it. haha

My dreams last night gave me an idea for another potential novel. Maybe I’ll try NaNoWriMo again this year and share about the process.

I’m not sure what the future holds. I don’t know what happens next. Thank you for being along for the ride and sharing in the journey.

Here’s to taking the first step. Until we meet again…

Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again. – Sarah Ban Breathnach

Maybe There Is No Answer

Lately I’ve questioned so many things about myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m moving forward, sometimes I feel I’m falling backward.

I’m still struggling with a life that looks nothing like I thought it would. Then I feel bad about myself for not just being thankful for the life I do have.

Feelings come and feelings go. They’re important, but they aren’t everything. I’m just not sure how to navigate around them when these things are so strong, and so many other things are pushing so hard against me.

Not against me, just around me. And I’m easily overwhelmed.

I don’t know what the future holds. And I’m struggling with that place in between. This season has felt like it’s dragged on forever. It’s been so many years, seemingly wasted in waiting.

I don’t want to live my life on hold. But I don’t know what life I could be moving into. I find myself here. Is this it? Is this really all there is?

Maybe there’s more. I struggle with comparisons, thinking that everyone else has things that I want. And they do. But that doesn’t mean it looks the way I imagine it to, and it doesn’t mean that’s the life they desired, even if it was the one that I wanted.

That seems to be one of the great injustices of life, that none of us get to choose the path we take.

But maybe I’m just playing the victim.

We do have choices. We do have a say… Up to a point.

Maybe it’s a blessing that we don’t plan our futures. Maybe we don’t have the context to make the right decisions.

I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know where I am or what’s happening. And I’m tired of trying to figure it all out.

So Many Questions

What does it mean to be healed? What does it mean to be whole? Are we really who we think we are? Or are our identities just an illusion, maybe even our fear?

I’m not sure what the purpose of this life is. I’m not sure if meaning exists at all. I feel that each time these things come up again, I’m pulled backward and fall down.

This is how we rise. We can’t stand up unless we fall.

Maybe it isn’t about what we see, or feel, or think. Maybe it isn’t about who we are at all. Maybe it’s about taking one step at a time, always moving forward, even when we fall backwards.

Maybe it’s learning to let go, to trust, to surrender. Maybe it’s about learning to come to terms with a life that doesn’t feel like our own.

Maybe hope looks different than we thought it would. And maybe this is our turn to break the silence.

Maybe our lives are a drop in the ocean. But maybe that tiny drop can still make a difference after all.

Anxious Thoughts

Anxieties creep in again. It seems like every time I think I’ve escaped, they’re right there to lure me back into their grip.

I don’t want to give into fear. I don’t want to give into panic. I don’t want it to control and define me anymore.

I think I’ve been afraid of letting go, afraid of stepping back. As if letting go of my fears and anxieties somehow puts me at risk… As if letting go means betraying the others who are still stuck in it.

And I don’t want to leave them behind.

We don’t have to be standing in a pit in order to help someone out of it. In fact, that can be counterproductive. But I’ve believed the lies for so long. I’m not fully sure what it looks like to break free.

Fighting For Gray

I’ve been caught in a battle between dark and light. Black and white thinking that seems impossible to break through, and I’ve started thinking this way too.

As I’ve fought, and as I’ve argued, I’ve started to see the world in this way too. And I don’t feel like me anymore.

I feel like I have to choose. And maybe I know what side I should be on, and maybe I know the way I feel about the people and the situation. But maybe, just maybe, I want to see the gray again.

I want to feel compassion, rather than contempt. I want to fight for gray, even though I could never win that way.

I want to see things as they really are. I want to be safe, I want to heal. But I don’t want to hate.

This is how I lay down my weapons. This pride that eats me from the inside out. I choose to see more than the black and white I’ve been given. I choose to acknowledge both sides of the coins.

I choose gray.

Does Meaning Matter?

I have another busy day today. Fortunately I finally got my house cleaned last weekend, so there’s less to worry about there.

Teaching and tying up loose ends before taking a break from some work stuff. Our team finally finished a project we’ve been working on for over two years, now I get some time off before starting the next one.

I’m not sure that I’ll get outside today, but it’s so bright and sunny. I’d love to go for a picnic.

Sometimes life feels like a trap. All of this pointless stuff, just so we can survive and die. But is there a purpose in the mundane? I used to think there was. But now, since my mundane looks different than I thought it would, I have a harder time finding meaning.

I’ve been in a weird place lately. I guess I have been for a long time, it’s just that these feelings come and go. I’m not particularly depressed, but I have a lot of thoughts.

One day trails into the next, and I don’t want to just take my life for granted.

But does having meaning matter? Maybe I just think it does and there’s really no purpose for it at all.

I have about 20 minutes to take a deep breath, and just be before the busyness starts.

Close your eyes. And just breathe.

What have you been up to this week?

New Day

Oh the joy of a new book and cup of hot tea. I haven’t done much reading in a while. I’ve been dabbling in writing, but it’s going… Eh, slow.

I’m more comfortable accepting that process, knowing that I cannot rush it, but that everything happens in its time.

I’m thankful for the simple pleasures, the things that make life a little more grounded. I’m thankful for the time I have to sit and enjoy it.

Projects are pressing in around me, and for the first time in a long time, I feel the buzz of excitement welling up inside me. I look forward to working on new things. It’s exciting to see the process.

But for now, I sit with my cup of tea, enjoying my escape into another world.

Do you have any book recommendations? I’d love to hear your ideas!

Unknown

We head into the unknown. A future, white as snow. Washed clean from all the things we’ve been holding back.

We don’t need to know exactly what’s on the other side. We just need to trust enough to take that leap, to take the step and try.

I’ve never been very certain about my life. I thought I was, as a teen, but those years are gone and new ones have come.

Turmoil and uncertainty have taken a toll on me, they’ve changed me in ways I never could have imagined. And now, I stand waiting to find what comes next.

I’m okay with it. I’m feeling peace. It’s a new type of peace, feeling a weight lifted, feeling some freedom.

I don’t know what’s next. And maybe I never will. I’m learning that it’s okay.

I don’t need to know what my future holds to have hope for better days ahead. I just need to remember that time is not as fluid as we might like to believe, and everything will always change.

Nothing stays the same forever. Guilt, grief, or gladness, who’s to say what happens next?

This time, I step into the unknown without fear for the future, because in this moment I know, my future is already held. Unknown to me, but deeply known by my Father.

From The Desert

I walk from the desert, seeing the light of sun again. Day has dawned, and I’m no longer surrounded by the dark.

My life lies before me. Empty. Yet with so much possibility of being full. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’ll chase it, knowing that fear is uncertain, and God always has a plan.