Rest

Getting sick can sometimes be a blessing. Last week I finally let some of the pressure off, and just took a break to relax. It was a much needed time for me, and ironically, I ended up getting more done.

I’ve been so burned out lately. Random tasks seem to pile up and I can’t seem to catch my breath. Oddly enough, getting sick helped me start to heal. I think I’ve confused pressure with motivation. And I’ve had tons of pressure, but very little motivation. Some of this is external, some internal. And I needed a chance to give myself permission to step back and not do every little thing that others asked me to do.

I’ve wondered if this makes me selfish. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I’m so critical of myself at every turn, but I’ve realized that I need to time to rest in order to offer my fullest and best self to others. I’d rather offer one hour of dedicated attention, than a whole day of distraction. What do other people deserve?

It’s worse though. There are several tasks that others want me to do that I have taken the easy way out. I throw together things that really aren’t a good representation of me or of them, and just call it good enough, because I’m not invested and I don’t have the energy to care. I’m a perfectionist, and even if they don’t notice, I know that I didn’t do my best.

Sometimes our best requires that we take a step back. I’ve learned that this week. It’s a lesson I seem to learn over and over again, but it’s always relevant.

As introverts it’s important that we take the time we need to recharge our batteries. It isn’t about being selfish, it’s about giving others the best we have to offer. If someone needed batteries, would we really give them ones we’ve been using and are almost dead? Isn’t it the same with our energy and our time?

If you’re an introvert, do you struggle giving yourself the time you need? What have you learned this week?

To Find Love

See me. Hear me. Know me. Understand me. I don’t know if it’s a type thing, a me, thing, or maybe a both thing, but the idea of being the center of attention is one of the most terrifying things imaginable. I hate it. I hate every second of it. People with their ideas that they know me, no one seeing past the outer shell, the mask I show the world.

In a general sense, I’d prefer anonymity. I want to fade into the background, with my thoughts and feelings as a whisper that surrounds others, a deep sense of connection and knowing, where silence is accepted, and we’re found in the quiet.

Sometimes, I don’t want to be invisible. There are a few who I want to be myself with, where I want to let my guard down. And when that happens, and transparency becomes real, my vulnerability is seen. How will you respond? Do you recognize me? Has anyone taken the time to look, to listen, to know?

When vulnerability is seen, and found, and truth and grace win out. When people are real. When they don’t respond in hate, anger, or disgust, when I feel known and understood, that is when I feel loved.

My ideals are high. Yet I don’t expect much. I just want to hold value, and purpose. I want to be someone’s treasure. I want to be understood, and loved in spite of my failings, or maybe loved even more because of them.

And when I’m seen, when I’m loved, that is when I’m better equipped and more able to love. I think we all want to be special to someone, whether we’re able to admit that to ourselves or not. Though there may be challenges in life, we can face them together.

We can be quiet, and still be strong. We can be broken, but still be whole. We can be safe, and still be known. This, beyond anything else in this world, is when we find home.

Overlooked

So often I will feel overlooked. I tend to be quiet and sit on the edge of a crowd or group. I don’t say much, I just watch, observing everything that’s going on around me.

Then I have moments that I try to branch out and do something, often something online, and I just feel like no one pays any attention.

This blog is different, I’m writing it mostly for myself, as selfish as that sounds. A few other things I’m working on are in the hopes of having a positive impact on others.

I so badly want to be able to help, but come up feeling less-than because no one pays attention. How can I help others if I can’t manage to catch their attention? Then I start berating myself.

The image above was a good reminder to keep going, to keep trying, even if I feel overlooked by others.

God has a plan and purpose for each and every one of us. If we allow the shadows of others loom over us, feeling like we’re so much in the dark that no one could ever notice us, then we’re missing out and making the world miss out on some wonderful things that we have to offer.

Isn’t that where persistence comes in? We have to keep on trying, and we have to be able to be ourselves, even if we think that no one else is seeing it. Because we never know who might be watching. Even if no one else is, don’t we deserve to be our best selves? After all, we have to be around us all the time. Let’s make it the best that we possibly can.