Late Night Ponderings

I’m realizing that I rely on people just a bit too much. I care so much about other people’s opinions, that sometimes I’m afraid to speak my own.

There’s a healthy balance somewhere in between. There have been times that I haven’t cared what other people think, and I think I’m now overcompensating.

Acceptance is such a difficult thing to extend to ourselves. I think sometimes we forget to, or just don’t think we deserve it. If we don’t accept or respect ourselves, that negativity emanates off of us, so how is anyone else going to accept or respect us either?

I’ve found that the more caught up in what others think of me, the less I like myself, and the less I like myself, the more miserable I am to be around.

Now, I’ve been blessed with some amazing friends and family, a wonderful support system, and I couldn’t be more grateful for them. But at the end of the day, I’m stuck with myself no matter who else is or isn’t in my life. I have to live with me all the time, no one else does.

Do you know how frustrating that can be to have to live with yourself all the time? If not, let me tell you, it’s quite the ordeal sometimes.

I’m also realizing that I’m a lot more prejudiced than I would like to be. I’m sorry to say it.

The other day on the bus, a woman started talking with me. I went along with it, but she was asking some personal stuff and I was a little weirded out by it.

Then she said something. Something that clicked with me and made me realize that I actually knew her from a group I go to. She only went once, but I had still met her before.

I felt so guilty! How could I possibly forget someone like that? And even worse, I think I approached the situation with too much caution. Why am I so skeptical of people?

I know why…

It’s because of the situation I just got out of. But the idea that it could infiltrate my entire life so thoroughly, even still, that bothers me deeply. I want to be there for people, I want to remember, I want to show kindness, whether I know them or not. After all, people are still people, even if there are some bad ones out there.

So what am I going to do about this? I have two paths I see that I can take. I’ll have to take both eventually, though I’m not sure which one to start with. I could start with loving and accepting myself for who and what I am, or I could start reaching out to others and try to be more accepting of them. Maybe I just need to do both.

Wounds take time to heal. I’m learning that some wounds go deeper than I realized. I’m left with the consequences and left to clean up the mess that’s left behind.

It’s not over yet.

Sometimes my thoughts are a big jumbled mess that I have to wade (trudge) through.