Time

Time is slipping away from me, I can feel it. One day slips into another, soon a month has gone by, six months, a year. It’s all a blur, and it’s all too fast. Then I take a moment, sit back, and time stands on its head. It doesn’t move, it doesn’t waver, just surrounds me in its bubble, and I’m kept safe.

I strive after so many things, and end up feeling like I’m failing at them all. Maybe that’s okay. Failures always serve to teach us something we otherwise wouldn’t have learned. I can’t keep up, yet no matter how many times I tell myself to stop, I can’t stop trying.

It’s like life is a race that I’m desperate to win. And I know that desperation must be off putting to those around me. I’m insecure, I feel incompetent, yet I have no actual proof of an absolute failure.

Sometimes I think that would be easier. At least I wouldn’t be stuck in this limbo, back and forth, chasing one dream, then another, never committing to any of them because I’m always so torn. And yet, each of those things holds a part of me, and I don’t want to let go of them completely.

Maybe my form’s wrong. Maybe it’s my methods. Maybe I don’t truly care about anything at all. Maybe I care too much.

The weight of people’s opinions weighs heavy on me tonight. I feel like in not being more, in not being better than what I am, that I’m letting everyone around me down. Even if they don’t notice, I’m letting myself down.

And then it hits me just how short life can be. A year since the passing of someone I had so much to learn from. Others sick, dying. And I wonder when it’s going to be my turn. Almost like I can’t escape. Like I don’t believe I’m worth living.

Then, none of us escapes. The clock keeps ticking. Echoing louder and louder as our vision swirls and everything gets brighter.

Darker.

In.

Out.

Never ending.

Tick.

Tock.

Breathe.

In.

Out.

I talk my way through, because I don’t know what else to do. I know this is a phase, and not all are pleasant. And yet, there are so many simple joys and pleasures all around me. Smiles and laughter, those that come from the heart. A hug from a loved one. A season of lights, and love.

And I’m thankful once again, that my hope does not rest in this world, or in my abilities, or my failures. My hope rests in the Creator of time itself. And my life is in His hands.

Short Thoughts On Easter

Happy Easter (Eve)!

This is always such a wonderful time of year. The earth is just coming back to life as we remember our Savior’s gift of life that He gave us when He rose again.

It’s such an amazing, incredible gift but I find it sad that so many only think of it during this time of year. Life is something to celebrate no matter what time of the year it is.

Seasons change, but He always stays the same. Full of love, full of hope. The Giver of life.

I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow!

Proverbs 13:12 – Encouragement When All Hope Seems Lost

I’ve been doing this thing lately where I read one chapter of Proverbs a day.  Since there are 31 chapters, I figured I can read through it once a month, correlating the date and chapter. I just started doing it again about a month ago, but it was something I had done for awhile several months ago.

It’s amazing to see the wisdom and very interesting to see which verses stand out each time reading them. It seems like every day, a different one stands out to me for some reason that is relevant in my life. Today, being the 13th, I was reading chapter 13.

The verse that really stood out to me today was 13:12, it says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.”

This verse really spoke to me because it met me exactly where I’m at. Lately I’ve been really struggling to come to terms with not having certain things I had hoped for; things I thought I’d have by now, but still don’t.

I can honestly say, from experience, that not having those things does make the heart sick. There are times that I think of it, and I just feel physically ill. But here’s the thing, it says “hope deferred.” That doesn’t mean that the hope will never manifest itself in reality, it just means that it’s postponed. God’s timing isn’t our timing, it can be incredibly frustrating at times, but our job is not to figure it all out, or to answer the why, our responsibility is to trust anyway.

This is the best part, if the hope is only postponed, it’s still coming, and it comes with a promise that “when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.”

A tree of life. Isn’t that amazing. Hope is the seed that we plant, and even if we have to wait longer than we expected or anticipated, that tree will grow, and it will be a tree of life. A tree that will bear fruit, and we will reap a reward far greater than we could have imagined.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above.”

God gives us the desires of our hearts. I don’t think that means that He gives us whatever we want, but rather, that He places those desires in our hearts. God wouldn’t place something there unless He intends to use it.

Maybe we need that little seed to carry us through a dark time, maybe we’re not ready even though we think we are, but God has something bigger and better than we could ever imagine planned, it is then we have to wait, and trust, even if we don’t feel the hope anymore, that desire will come, and it will be a tree of life. You can’t see a seed that’s planted in the ground, but you can still hope that it will grow.

Romans 5:3-5 says, “but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

And James 1:2-4, “count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

“Lacking nothing,” I love that. But then there’s also Hebrews 11:1, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” If we choose not to trust, if we lose that faith, then where is the hope? And if we lose hope, then where is the faith?

We have times of weakness, we’re human, we can’t do it in our own power, but God can. “He who has began a good work in you will complete it.” And “We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good.”

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” it was not said in an accomplishment sort of way, but in context was that we could endure any hardships and victories, only in the power of Christ. When we are weak, He is strong.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” We just need to trust, as long as we’re doing that, we’re on the right path. We’re not guaranteed understanding, in fact, we’re told we’re going to have to trust in spite of not understanding. But rather, we’re promised that His light will lead us, and He will direct our paths.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in You.” Even though the storms may come, when we don’t know where this path will lead, when we can’t see the next step, God does. And if we trust in Him, He promises to guide us and protect us. He promises to give us the desires of our hearts, and if He has begun that work in us, He will bring it to life.

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On Fear And Faith

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Oh fear, how quickly you step in during times of trouble. I’ve heard that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but rather fear. How true that is. I don’t know how many times I’ve approached situations with fear instead of faith.

I have never once had a good outcome when I’ve approached an obstacle with fear, I have, however, been more than satisfied when I’ve approached the obstacles with faith. I want to be that sort of person, a person who has faith, not only in the good times, but also in the times of trouble. There are times that it’s easier than others, but that doesn’t change the need in every situation.

As I said the other day, I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of trusting God, even through the storms. Especially through the storms. He never gives up on us, even when we’ve forgotten Him. If only we would turn to Him, he would forgive and heal us.

Sometimes I want to be self-sufficient, and I want to try things on my own, without God’s help. But I’m stubborn. I need to be willing to let Him lead me, otherwise I’m headed for a ditch that I can’t escape. How foolish it is to wait until I’m already trapped and defeated to call for His help.

I’ve also judged God based on other people’s actions (or sometimes inaction). That isn’t right either. God is perfect, people are imperfect. How could I possibly judge a perfect God based on flawed and imperfect people? I couldn’t. Not accurately.

Jesus said not to fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But so often we find it easier to live in fear of people, because they’re instant. We see the consequences immediately, so we cower in fear, and, in doing so, we turn away from God.

Instead of living in fear, we could choose to trust God, and be joyful even through the trails. Perfect and complete. That is our destiny. Are we missing it by focusing on the ground when we should be focusing on our God?

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Oceans

This song was played in church awhile ago. Ever since first hearing it, I can’t stop listening to it. I don’t listen to music much anymore, but this is a good one.

Romans 8:2

Health And Healing

Today I am thankful for the ability to eat healthy and take care of myself. So many people around the world are not able to, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have the ability to just visit a store and find the things I need.

This morning I woke up with a headache, one I’ve had for a few days now, and I was just praying that God would take it away. Then something clicked for me. I really have not been taking care of myself lately. I know what I need to do to feel better, I’ve just been too lazy.

I think often we find it easy to get upset with God for not “answering” our prayers, when really, God’s just waiting on us to use the gifts and abilities He’s already given us.

So often we’ll expect a miracle (great or small) and when it doesn’t happen, we’re dumbfounded or use it as a cause for doubt. Maybe in those times (and I’m not saying all of them, just some) God is asking us to be faithful, to be diligent, to stand up and actually work for something we want or need, instead of expecting it to be handed to us.

I just keep thinking of Matthew 6:33, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” We have to seek, we have to pursue. Maybe we’re waiting on God to act, when He’s waiting on us.

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