I walk from the desert, seeing the light of sun again. Day has dawned, and I’m no longer surrounded by the dark.
My life lies before me. Empty. Yet with so much possibility of being full. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’ll chase it, knowing that fear is uncertain, and God always has a plan.
New hopes light the horizon. I don’t know where my life is going, I haven’t for a long time now, but I’m finally feeling (again) that I’m starting to get a grasp on some of the things it might be.
I’m a planner. I hate not having a plan. And yet, my life has deviated so far from my plans that I haven’t been able to see a way forward. I’ve felt so destabilized, so lost. And yet, there’s been some measure of comfort.
If my life had followed my plans, I wouldn’t have realized my absolute need for and dependence on God. I’ve had so much pride, so much security in things that I couldn’t control, thinking that somehow I could. But I can’t.
I still don’t know what the future holds, and I’m apprehensive of making plans, afraid they’ll fall apart again. Maybe I haven’t realized that until now. I’ve been drifting, but still so incredibly controlled my fear.
Maybe this is when it requires a step of faith. Looking out to the horizon, uncertain of the future, or where I’ll end up, but still moving forward, moving in a direction toward the light.
It’s a cloudy day today. I sit inside, grateful for the home I have, knowing that others are left outside in the cold… And I just want to do something that makes a difference.
Everything feels cloudy lately. Like this dark cloud is always hovering over me, threatening to break open and release a downpour of depression, anxiety, and uncertainty.
I want hope. I want to make a difference. My life sometimes feels trite and meaningless. And I wonder if anything I do even matters. I want to have a voice. I want to speak. I want to bring life, and love. And somehow, I keep coming up empty.
But maybe it’s the emptiness that will allow me to be filled. In the right time, when God knows that it’s right.
So I will rest and trust His grace. Even when His plan is not my own. And I will choose to remember what He’s done before, and know that He can do it again.
Because God is faithful, and He does not forget His children.
It’s been a while since my writing group stopped meeting. I’m finding myself thinking about writing again. It’s like now that I’m on my own, and have freedom to write without the responsibility to have to show it to anyone else, I’m once again lured in by the process.
Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. Everyone else said they liked having the group, that having someone to write for motivated them. For me… It was the exact opposite. Knowing that if I wrote, someone would want to read my work, made me shut down and stop writing completely.
It wasn’t that I didn’t trust these people. I felt safe with them and enjoyed reading everything that they brought, I loved seeing their process. I just hated the expectation that I was writing for someone else. I wasn’t. I wrote for myself. Selfish? Perhaps. But it was my only way to cope, one avenue to process.
The other day I was reading Introvert Dear articles, and I read one that talked about this. It made me feel a bit less alone, but also made me sad. I don’t have a special project right now that I can dedicate time to. I don’t have a passion, or a purpose. I feel like I’m drowning just trying to keep up with everything that’s being thrown my direction.
And yet, maybe that’s why I feel like writing again. Maybe my mind needs that outlet.
I have a couple ideas I could possibly work on. And maybe I’ll start to try. I don’t want to put pressure on myself about it again though, that simply doesn’t work for me.
This time, if I write creatively again, I will let my mind wander in worlds of my own, without assuming the need or requirement that my work needs to be shared in order to have value.
Anyone else feel demotivated by having an audience to write for? Do you enjoy writing just for yourself? Let me know any other thoughts you have in the comments, I’d love to hear other perspectives.
God works all things together for our good, but that doesn’t mean that everything we have will be the best. I very strongly believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of us. His plan is the perfect plan, but because of free-will, we’re able to go off the tracks and create one heck of a mess of ourselves.
He works all things together for good, even the worst of things, though I think it still breaks His heart when we reject the best that He had for us. We always have a choice. Sometimes I resent that choice, because we don’t always make the right one.
We shouldn’t live in shame or fear, our God is greater than any other power in this world (or out of it). And He has conquered all.
I often wonder what my life could have looked like had I chosen to follow God from the beginning. I grew up in a Christian home, and I trusted Christ from a young age, but I didn’t always listen or obey Him.
God won’t ask us to do anything that isn’t for ultimate good, whether we can see it at the time or not. We can be so blinded by our feelings, other people, or things of this world, that we can’t see the fulfillment of His promise. We don’t realize the magnitude and awesome plan that He has for us, because we can’t see the whole picture, and yet, we try to take control and paint it for ourselves, when we only see one tiny little bit.
How many times have we messed up His painting?
And still He is patient with us and always ready to forgive. He is a kind and loving Father, beyond what most of us can know. He is the master Artist, will we give Him control? Will we let Him paint His vision, or will we try to muddle through and muddy up the design He’s planned?
God’s plan will prevail, but He makes adjustments for us along the way. I want the painting of my life to be as untainted as possible, because I trust the Artist’s vision, and I trust that He has a plan.
I love organized days. There’s something so satisfying and fulfilling about having a plan with allotted time for both necessary and and enjoyable activities. I’ve felt so overwhelmed lately with everything that’s been piling up on my plate. I haven’t done any of them well because I’ve been so torn between tasks that I’m caught in an eternal jumping from one to the next without making any progress in any one area. Today, that changes.
There are about 20 weeks left in the year. If I dedicate 2-3 weeks on specifically focused tasks, I’d be able to complete 7-10 larger things by the end of the year. That gives me hope. Maybe my goals aren’t totally unreachable. I just need to be willing to be dedicated and diligent to commit to getting things done.
I’m currently working on a list of what I want those “things” to be. Some are larger than others, some have strict deadlines that are creeping up on me faster than I can even think about them. But maybe it will work. If nothing else, it’s worth a try? I’m excited to try this new method!
We’re now officially halfway through 2017. I’m so thankful that it falls on a weekend. I’ve spent the morning planning as a continuation of last night, and it just made me realize how absolutely relaxing that can be. I’m feeling lighter and like a weight has been lifted. It’s so good to have plans on paper!
I think it’s good to have these mile markers to check in and see where we’re at, how we’re progressing, and what needs to change moving forward. I’ve found bullet journaling to be extremely helpful in that regard. We’re always moving forward whether we plan for it or not, and it’s so nice to have a path in mind, whether or not it needs to change along the way.
Unexpected things happen, plans change, how do we approach those changes? Do we see them as challenges to defeat us, or challenges to overcome?
My word(s) for this year is Fearless Hope. I’m feeling more confident and hopeful as I head into this second half of the year with more intentionality than the first. I’ve approached life in a kind of haphazard way at times, but it isn’t me, and I’m left spinning in uncertainty when I do, paralyzed by the directionlessness. I’m so thankful to have this weekend as a reset.
Do you enjoy planning? What methods do you find work best for you?
I’ve never understood the concept of Black Friday. Aside from the above, the idea of sitting outside waiting for hours to go shopping in hordes of people never made sense to me. That’s one of those things that I would do practically anything to be able to avoid.
Maybe it’s the introversion, or maybe it’s something else. I’ve never been too into shopping (except for a few select items), and when I do go, I try to avoid the crowds as much as possible, planning my trips out during a time when most are at work or something of the sort.
Heck, I won’t even go down an aisle half the time if someone else is in it, let alone a store full of people. Too much stress. Inferior Se overload much? I think yes.
I’m the one you’ll find dodging through the store, taking the long way around, or aimlessly staring at a single shelf or item until my desired aisle clears out and it’s safe to go lurking.
Okay, I sound like an social-anxiety-ridden stalker… And maybe in some ways I am.
I just don’t get it. I don’t think the sales would ever be enough to convince me to go through that. And, as the image said… Only in America would we go shopping for more the day after being thankful for what we already have.
Maybe we should reconsider the topic, or be a little more truly grateful for the things we have. Why the fixation on things, anyway? Aren’t there so many more valuable things in life?
I don’t know. These are just my thoughts on the matter.
Do you like to go Black Friday shopping? If so, is there something more to it that I’m just not getting? I’d love to hear about your experience (or thoughts, good or bad) in the comments!
Have a good one!
So often I will feel overlooked. I tend to be quiet and sit on the edge of a crowd or group. I don’t say much, I just watch, observing everything that’s going on around me.
Then I have moments that I try to branch out and do something, often something online, and I just feel like no one pays any attention.
This blog is different, I’m writing it mostly for myself, as selfish as that sounds. A few other things I’m working on are in the hopes of having a positive impact on others.
I so badly want to be able to help, but come up feeling less-than because no one pays attention. How can I help others if I can’t manage to catch their attention? Then I start berating myself.
The image above was a good reminder to keep going, to keep trying, even if I feel overlooked by others.
God has a plan and purpose for each and every one of us. If we allow the shadows of others loom over us, feeling like we’re so much in the dark that no one could ever notice us, then we’re missing out and making the world miss out on some wonderful things that we have to offer.
Isn’t that where persistence comes in? We have to keep on trying, and we have to be able to be ourselves, even if we think that no one else is seeing it. Because we never know who might be watching. Even if no one else is, don’t we deserve to be our best selves? After all, we have to be around us all the time. Let’s make it the best that we possibly can.
All things come together at their own time. Sometimes I wish I could see into the future and really know what it has in store for me. I need to be patient, this much I know. But it’s so hard sometimes.
I think there’s an interesting distinction there. Waiting doesn’t always equal patience. Actually, many times it doesn’t. Our attitude is the main distinction. Will we lose hope, will we be faithful and diligent? Eagerly waiting with the knowledge that all things will work together for our good, even if we can’t see our way out in the moment.
It’s not about what we see, it’s about what God sees.
This life likes to toss us around. Whenever we get comfortable, something else comes along trying to dash it to pieces.
I’m not trying to be negative here, I’m just saying that life isn’t easy.
Maybe I’ve been playing the game for too long. I just lost it, btw, and I was doing so good, too. Sorry…
Llamas make everything better, right?
Sleep, diet, and weather all have a profound impact on me. I’m learning this more and more as time goes on. Even though external factors can influence how I feel, am I not still responsible for taking care of myself enough to not allow those things to get in the way?
Patience is a daily struggle for me. I’m always hoping, always waiting, always rushing. When maybe, maybe I’m supposed to enjoy this time right here and right now that God has given me. Maybe the waiting serves a greater purpose that I cannot understand in this moment in time.
I don’t see it all, I can’t. There was a time that I thought I did, but my life is so different now than how I would have imagined. Maybe I was naive, maybe I made some mistakes that lead me to where I am today. No matter what the reason, the fact is, I’m here right now.
God still has a plan and a purpose, even when I’m too blind to see it. I will often become absorbed and consumed with my own feelings of guilt or worthlessness that I ignore all the good around me, and all the good I have to give.
How is that right? It isn’t.
Oh selfishness, how I hate thee.
Anyway, I feel like I’ve been going on for too long. Right now, I struggle to see, but that doesn’t mean that I’m right. It doesn’t mean that God’s abandoned me, even if I’ve abandoned myself. I know that with time everything will all work out, and it is that hope and that faith that I cling to.
INFJ Ramblings 