Fighting For Gray

I’ve been caught in a battle between dark and light. Black and white thinking that seems impossible to break through, and I’ve started thinking this way too.

As I’ve fought, and as I’ve argued, I’ve started to see the world in this way too. And I don’t feel like me anymore.

I feel like I have to choose. And maybe I know what side I should be on, and maybe I know the way I feel about the people and the situation. But maybe, just maybe, I want to see the gray again.

I want to feel compassion, rather than contempt. I want to fight for gray, even though I could never win that way.

I want to see things as they really are. I want to be safe, I want to heal. But I don’t want to hate.

This is how I lay down my weapons. This pride that eats me from the inside out. I choose to see more than the black and white I’ve been given. I choose to acknowledge both sides of the coins.

I choose gray.

Beauty Despite…

Depression hangs above us like a dark cloud, but God is faithful, and He is faithful to bring something beautiful from it.

There were so many times that I asked God why He let me go through some of the things I have, and now, I’m beginning to understand that if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be able to understand others who have needed it. I was able to meet a need, not because I had it all together, but because I ad walked through darkness and suffering. Because I understood the pain they were feeling.

I wouldn’t have had that otherwise.

Lately I’ve had a hard time fully understanding my own thoughts and emotions, more so than usual. And in some ways I’m at peace about it, and some ways it makes me more anxious. But I’ve had moments of clarity. Moments where I can start to see beyond the clouds to a new day, to the light that shines through, persistent regardless of the darkness below. And I am so thankful for a God who is so completely faithful and kind.

Forward

I find comfort in the solitude. Early morning comes and I’m standing in a daze, uncertain whether these steps I’m taking move me forward, or if I’m even moving at all.

Planning can only go so far, then we reach the limit, the unexpected that puts a halt on all our plans. Why do humans continue marching forward, even in the face of adversity? Why is survival instinct so strong?

Do we all know that there are bigger plans for us, even when they feel out of reach, even when we ourselves feel forgotten?

We stray from the charted path, we forge our own, and question every step. And how do we know if our deviation leads us deeper into the darkness that tries to harm us, or forward toward salvation?

Maybe we’ll never know.

Maybe that’s okay.

What is it that I’ve been waiting for for so long? I don’t want my life to be wasted away to nothing, all while I’m chasing the hope of a better day.

Things will never be perfect, and sometimes that’s okay. We just need to find a way to see the light through the trees, and have faith that there’s a reason to keep pressing onward.

Morning Light

This morning as I looked out my kitchen window to the house a cross the street, I noticed that the garage (that had been white) was yellow. I didn’t remember them painting it yesterday, and thought it was kind of an odd change so suddenly.

Then I realized, the garage wasn’t painted, it was white as always, but it was the light from the early morning sun shining on it.

I suppose there are a few directions I could take this in, and I’m not sure which trail to follow. I guess, sometimes we absorb the things around us, we can identify with it, but we can’t really take credit. Good or bad, our surroundings and who we choose to be around, reflect on us. And yet, sometimes it says more about the object that reflects than it does about us… When we’re an emotional sponge.

But there’s more too, and I’m not sure how to put all these thoughts into words. When we’re washed clean, it gives us a greater ability to share love, love that doesn’t come from us, but from the light that shines in us and around us. This allows us to be seen as something different, to take on the qualities of another, if only for a moment, as we stand in the light of something greater than ourselves.

I feel like this is a lot of rambling without a clear message or purpose, but I want to remember it, and so I write it.

God has a plan and purpose for each and every one of us. Sometimes finding that purpose is an issue of where we’re standing, sometimes it’s about whether or not we have qualities that magnify the light, and sometimes it’s something outside of our control.

What is the state of our heart? Are we of a quality that allows the light to shine on and through us?

“The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning.”

Everything Changes

It’s another gloomy day. The sky peeks through as a few stray bits of snow drift down. It’s been an odd winter, that’s about all I can say.

I feel sadness, loss, acceptance. Time passes without our consent, without our help, and completely outside of our control. It makes me feel small, here in this moment, a moment that will not last forever, because nothing ever does.

It is some small form of comfort, knowing that each day passes, and even though it can feel like everything’s standing still and staying the same, nothing truly lasts forever. I always thought of that as a reminder to enjoy the good while it’s here, but it goes the opposite way too. The bad, even the darkest night, cannot last forever. Because time passes and morning will come again, shining light wherever it can, because that’s what light does. It shines forth and casts away darkness.

Sooner or later, everything changes. While we let go of some good, the void makes way for better. It’s in the still and calm of this moment that my heart is encouraged to trust. The dark can never win, because it can never stand to light.

Goals

I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect; more often than not, based on others opinions and values rather than my own. I’ve realized that it is the most anti-productive thing to do, even if it were by my own standards.

I’ve done my fair share of reflecting, and goal-making, but I’ve never really been into typical New Year’s resolutions.

What’s the difference? Well, I had always thought a resolution is something one makes up their mind to change about themselves or their lifestyle with blunt force starting on a particular day, while a goal is something that one wishes to attain, check off a list, or move toward. Maybe they’re the same thing, maybe not. I’m not really sure anymore.

I’m not saying that I don’t have aspirations to change or to be a better person, but those are things that are a lifelong journey, it’s a process of transformation, not something to force or change all at once. Far too often, resolutions are only to be abandoned when all the energy is gone and we’re left feeling weak and weary from putting too much pressure on ourselves to be perfect. We then give in and give up, leaving those items on the list until the following year when we pick it up again.

Try and fail.

Changes in life happen one step at a time, not all at once, and I, personally, believe this is the downfall of resolutions. It’s too much pressure all at once, we bog ourselves down with too much to handle until we give up, and berate ourselves that we couldn’t follow through.

This is where patience and understanding for ourselves come in. We have to be willing to relax and give ourselves a break, taking one step at a time, not trying to take them all at once. It’s no wonder we get so discouraged and burnt out by the end of the year!

So I suppose I do like resolutions in the sense of having a direction to move in.

I do have goals and a to-do list for the year. I used to make monthly goals. They worked quite well for me and I loved seeing one item being checked off the list at a time, ending each month with a burst of encouragement that all things were possible.

One step at a time, an ebb and flow that allowed me to take a deep breath, knowing fully well that all my tasks were completed, or would be on time, and if not, could be easily transferred without much harm dome. Each month, I would start off fresh with a clean slate.

Somehow, in the chaos of moving, I dropped this habit. And I’ve felt somewhat directionless ever since. There are some things I’ve been meaning to do that require uninterrupted time, time without travels and visits, time alone and to myself, where my mind is clear and free to wonder wherever it may wish.

My intention was to begin my goals again after the holidays. That is still my intent. I’ve made a master list, then I will go and once again create specifics for each month, one at a time.

I noticed something different though.

When I first sat down to write out my goals, I had a list of mundane, boring things, that honestly, were rather self-absorbed and shallow. They didn’t quite hit on what I wanted, but they came close enough, and from the outside, I would appear successful if I were to check off each one.

Something was wrong with this picture.

I realized that I needed to get to the core and the heart of the issue. If I am to actually complete my goals this year, I have to be accurate in my motivation. In order to do that, I would have to break down the things that I wanted, and why.

The why is one of the most important things, and, often, one of the most challenging things to deduce. One thing leads to another, and deeper and deeper it goes.

But what was my underlying motivation? What was at the heart and soul of these things that I thought I needed?

That is what I was determined to find out. And so, I tried again.

I made a list of all my basic goals, and realized that they weren’t as bad as it had originally seemed. Sure, there were still some mundane things, but they weren’t all like that. Once I had that list (a very long one, I might add), I needed to break it down. Common themes, the motivation behind wanting each particular thing that I wanted.

What did I find? At the root of it all, it comes down to purpose. I want purpose, I want inspiration, I want to be a light and inspiration to others, and I want to be inspired. I want to be a support and encouragement to others, and I want that field of positivity to surround me.

I want to be a light. Not only to cast out the darkness in my own life, but to shine bright in others’ lives as well.

I don’t want to be perfect by the world’s standards. I want to be perfect by God’s standards. And He’s in the process of making me complete. I have a very long way to go, but I’m taking it one step at a time. And with this, comes accepting a transformation rather than a sudden change, being patient through the growing process, and having some directions to head in, rather than a strict list of things I must do.

This journey is such a blessing, such a gift. I want to use it wisely.

How do you feel about New Year’s resolutions? Are they something you keep, or do you have another method? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Finding Hope In The Storm

Anxiety. Depression. Physical illness. All these things combine and create one heck of a storm. I’m noticing, that although the storms still hit, and the waves at times are larger than ever before, God is strengthening my trust. This must be what it means to learn to sail.

What if every storm we face serves to bless us later on? What if all these things we endure are meant to bring us to a brighter and better future? Maybe we don’t have to be as afraid of the waves. Maybe we don’t have to worry as much about capsizing our ship (lives) and ending up stranded on an island. After all, a nice, tropical vacation sounds pretty lovely right about now.

I’m finding hope. Even in the darkness. And I see those beacons of light shining even brighter than before. This past week I’ve seen God use even my own despair as an encouragement to another who was deeply struggling with thoughts and feelings she couldn’t share with others. That pain, that struggle, God has allowed it to give me understanding.

Fearless Hope. Even here.

I’ve known the true depth of love from friends and church family. I’ve been met with understanding, compassion, and encouragement. Not just religious platitudes and “you’d better try harder,” but real, genuine compassion and love. I’m accepted for who I am.

I’ve been told I don’t have to apologize for my thoughts, my feelings, or my struggles. Yet they have patiently endured with me. Showing me, guiding me, to look at and find the light. In the darkness, God empowers His people to shine the light of His love.

I don’t exactly know what I’m trying to say. But through another storm, God has shown Himself to be faithful, He’s strengthening my trust. And though I know I’ll probably still be inclined to fear the next time, He’s slowly working in me. I think one of the most beautiful things is knowing that the rain is sent as a blessing, for us to learn and grow, for us to be tenderly loved by those God has so faithfully placed in our lives. Sometimes we need the storms to know we need to search for light.

And another thing, the world is so beautiful right after a hard summer rain.

What have you found to be helpful through storms in life? Do you find you recover stronger than you were before? I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences and/or stories. 🙂

First Quarter Of 2016

It is now the last day of March. Another month has come and gone, and here we are, a quarter of the way through 2016.

A year ago I posted a quarterly post. I’m pretty sure I didn’t end up doing one for the rest of the quarters, but that’s okay. These quarters are a good time to reevaluate how we’re doing on our goals and to look at where we stand.

This month has been pretty rough for me, but it’s amazing what strength and resiliency we find when we reach our lowest points. I’ve gotten back to the core of who I am. And although I’m not strictly feeling the best, that gives me hope. It feels so good to see that part of me that I’ve been missing for so long.

I’ve struggled for a long time with a feeling of a lost identity. But so far in 2016 my wrestling with it has become stronger. I’ve realized that being totally hollowed out to the point that I was can still be God’s blessing. He can redeem time. He can redeem and restore my brokenness, and I am renewed. The drought won’t last forever.

A couple years ago I reached my lowest point, the only reason I’m still here is because all that was left in me was a spark of God’s Spirit. I’ve learned (and will continue to learn) to cast my cares on God, to trust Him and His strength, to pray His word and to rely on Him to comfort my anxious heart. He is faithful.

I stepped into this year with the goal to be intentional. And I have been to a degree, especially in my prayers and my relationship with God. He’s shown me who I am. I’m not whole or complete yet, but I do have hope for that healing.

I’ve seen a change in myself this year. The ground beneath me has been shifting, the change in me may be slow like a steady stream of water that will smooth out the rough edges of the rock around us, but I have faith now that we can rebuild and be stronger than we were before.

Darkness can’t survive in light, so I step into the light and let the darkness in me fade away.

What has your first quarter of 2016 looked like? Do you have a word for the year that you try to live by?

Somehow

We can run, but how long can we hide? What once was safe was rotting on the inside. What do you do when you see that much pain? Numb, yet so completely broken.

Sometimes I think there are things humans weren’t designed to know. It’s like our brains can’t handle it and they implode. Yet with eyes wide open we venture into that night, that darkness that overtakes us and makes us feel whole again.

I’m Here – Free Writing

One day blends into another and I’m standing a week later, a month, a year… Time doesn’t make sense anymore. It hasn’t for a while, but it’s only now that I’m realizing just how far off it seems.

I sink into the dark, then come back up bobbing in the water. Up. Down. Then it starts all over again.

Some days shine brighter than others, some my light is dim, but it’s still there. I’m still here.

This time. This moment.

The sun peeks out over the horizon and cuts through the fog. My eyes are closed and I feel the warmth, the cool, all the conflicting things that don’t make any sense, yet somehow all come together to make me who I am.