Baby Steps

I’ve felt dry and stagnant for a long time now. Last weekend was truly refreshing, and something I desperately needed. There are highs and lows, all of them even out to a gentle hum that keeps my mind ever busy, never present.

I feel like I can’t articulate words or thoughts very well, and I’m not sure what I’m even doing with life half the time. Okay. More than half.

A busy weekend is coming up as I go back home to celebrate the first birthday of a close friend’s child. So much is missing from life, it feels as though everyone’s moving on without me, and yet my feet are glued to the floor, unsure how to step forward.

Do any of us really know what direction we wish to take? What direction would lead the best way? Maybe it’s okay to be uncertain. But what isn’t okay, is something I’m slowly realizing about myself.

I have so many self-doubts, so many fears, so many insecurities, I don’t know how to move forward in life. I stop myself halfway, I think because I’m afraid of succeeding. And yet, on the flip side, I feel so utterly alone and invisible sometimes.

But what I’m realizing is that I’m chasing idols to fill the void of a life I thought I’d have.

Things are good now, in many ways, but beneath the surface, I’m still broken, and sometimes falling apart in ways I can’t even understand. Maybe in losing the things I wanted, God is protecting me from something that I couldn’t understand from this vantage point. Maybe there’s a reason for the pain, the emptiness. Maybe, what I perceive as falling backwards, is actually a step forward, to have the life I truly want to lead.

Maybe, God still has a plan and is ever faithful through it all. As He leads me one step after another, will my heart be willing to surrender my plans, for future He wants to bring me to?

Forward

I find comfort in the solitude. Early morning comes and I’m standing in a daze, uncertain whether these steps I’m taking move me forward, or if I’m even moving at all.

Planning can only go so far, then we reach the limit, the unexpected that puts a halt on all our plans. Why do humans continue marching forward, even in the face of adversity? Why is survival instinct so strong?

Do we all know that there are bigger plans for us, even when they feel out of reach, even when we ourselves feel forgotten?

We stray from the charted path, we forge our own, and question every step. And how do we know if our deviation leads us deeper into the darkness that tries to harm us, or forward toward salvation?

Maybe we’ll never know.

Maybe that’s okay.

What is it that I’ve been waiting for for so long? I don’t want my life to be wasted away to nothing, all while I’m chasing the hope of a better day.

Things will never be perfect, and sometimes that’s okay. We just need to find a way to see the light through the trees, and have faith that there’s a reason to keep pressing onward.

Longing For A Lost Future

Longing for meaning, unsure what to say. The words just never seem to come and I’m lost spinning in a daze of words strung together trying to make sense of what I might someday hope to say.

I’ve reached a point in life where I’m unsure about my future. I don’t like that. Up until some major things happened, I always had a clear plan and idea of what I wanted my life to look like and be. And now, I’m left lost and spinning in the world. Giving up on what I wanted, because they no longer fit the person I’ve become. And I hate that. I hate who I’ve become. I don’t like me anymore.

I’ve always been the type to look ahead, and without truly being me anymore, then what is there to look ahead to? I’m lost and wandering, trying to find something, anything, that could possibly fill the void of what I lost and who I used to be.

I used to like myself, maybe not completely, but I knew I was on a path to becoming who I wanted to be. And I lost it. I’m not who I was. I’m not as kind, or gentle, or wise. I’ve lost so much of what I valued and wanted myself to be. My creativity is waning. And I’m emptied from the inside out with nothing to fill that hollow and empty void. Just a string of meaningless words.

What does any of it matter anyway? Could I ever dare hope, or dream, that maybe my string of useless words could touch someone else’s heart and work in their life? I don’t dare hope or dream, because everything I ever dreamed has been left dashed to pieces and broken on the floor. So far gone from who I was, and who I was meant to be. I’ve drifted too far. Is there any hope that I could make it back to the shore?

Then there’s the part that knows that God is faithful. He is bigger and stronger and greater than any mountain or storm I might face. My hope is not in myself, or who I’ve thought myself to be, my vision was skewed. My hope is in something far greater than I could ever be. My hope is in the One who created hope and created a world, and individuals, with a purpose, a plan, and a future.

Known

How do I relax? How do I let it go? It seems the harder I try, the harder I fall.

Perfection, in a word, is something unattainable. It is not what I seek or desire, I just seek to be known.

I want to be understood for me, for who I am, all the chaos and beauty that is.

I’m not looking to be told that I’m always right, I’m just looking to be told that there’s some value in what I say or how I feel.

To be seen, to be heard. And yet, the idea of being known frightens me more than anything else in the world.

If we take off our masks and allow ourselves to be seen, then we’re making ourselves vulnerable to the opinions of others. Sometimes we don’t think of those words as opinions though, we take them to heart. Those little ideas can embed themselves deep in our hearts and minds, both good and bad.

If we close ourselves off to everything, then we’re missing the opportunity to be known and truly loved for who we really are. This also requires wisdom. If we reveal what is sacred to just anyone, then we’re giving the keys and the power to destroy us to someone who may not be trustworthy.

When we know someone will use our inner treasures to destroy the face behind the mask, yet we take it down anyway, all we get is pain. But when we allow ourselves to be seen and known by safe people, it is then that we are truly loved.

My Sea

Anxiety. Fear. Destruction. How long can this go on? I break and only partly mend before another wave hits. I cling to my life vest, but it doesn’t seem to do much good, it only prolongs my drowning.

I gasp before it hits, gulp a full breath of air then feel the water splash up my nose and trickle down my throat. I can’t open my eyes anymore. The water has blinded me, my own hair clings to my face for refuge.

I gasp for air, but choke on the wet strands that cover my face. Is it me or the ocean? I can hardly tell anymore. At what point does this life take? At what point will I bend far enough to break? I get weaker and weaker with every blow, yet inside a fire is lit. I’m ready to stand. If only there was solid ground. Somewhere. Anywhere. Not here. Nowhere to be found.

I wait and hope and wonder at the world. The dreams, the possibilities. Could this be all there is? Somehow, I know there must be so much more. With the waves come chills of anger, inside I kindle a fire, I go inward and find the strength to somehow survive. But is a life like that really worth living? To just barely survive. Nothing more.

How could there be meaning in the atrocity? How could there be better things? This is all there is, this is all I see. One wave, after another. They beat me as hard as they can, but in the end, they will not stand. They will fall back into the sea. And me? I’ll find my footing on solid land, even if that land is only somewhere in the fires of my heart.

Autumn Change

As the air cools down and leaves begin to turn, that wonderful autumn smell wafting through the seemingly ever blowing breeze, that fall feeling is so strong and powerful. There’s such a peace as autumn wraps its fingers around me.

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Just like the turning leaves, I’m at a transition stage in my life. Many things are changing, but it’s beautiful just the same. I’m not really sure who I am right now. I suppose that’s common for an INFJ. But several things have happened recently that have really made me think deeply about my identity and how I show myself to the world.

I have many different parts of me, some I keep hidden, others are out in the open. I don’t know how to merge everything together, and I don’t know that I should. It seems I don’t really have a place I belong, and yet I do. It’s strange. It’s scary. It’s comforting.

I still have a lot to process and work through, but I’m finally beginning to sort things out enough to put it into words, and that is an incredible (and fairly rare) feeling.

Memories

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I’ve spent the first half of my day going through old writings and pictures. There are so many ways in which I’ve changed, and so many I’ve stayed the same.

It’s important to note that I’m not entirely proud of my time management skills. However, I think there are some important lessons I needed to learn.

I really have a lot to process right now. I’m not entirely sure where this will all lead. But there is at least one area in which it gave me peace.

I had kept an encrypted journal throughout highschool and a couple years after. I decided the other day to go back and read over some of it, but it turns out that I had forgotten the password.

I was really upset about it at the time, but now I’m wondering if maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I don’t know that I want to go back and read everything I was thinking at that time, maybe it’s better to just let it fade away. Stored somewhere in the recesses of my mind, just as memories have been for centuries.

I haven’t fully decided yet whether I’m okay with letting go, because I feel that there are important lessons to learn and self-awareness to be found in those pages, but I’m also accepting it in a way as God’s blessing, meeting me where I am.

For all I know, I might not be able to handle it right now. Maybe someday I’ll remember that password, but for now, I’m trusting that I need to do this journey without the assistance of my younger self. God’s revealed a weakness in me that I’d rely more on myself than on Him. That needs to change.

Four Years

It’s been four years. Four years since a friendship ended that I thought would last forever. At the time I thought we were getting a fresh start, turns out I may never see that person again.

The past is behind me and I don’t spend much time on it, after all, there’s nothing I can do to change it and I’d much rather focus on a better future than throwing that away too. But there are times, and moments, that I do reflect on the past.

In this case, the trigger was a date. January 8th. I had forgotten about it until I saw the date, and I only remember the date because I was doing a 365 photography challenge and remember the photo from that day.

There’s something about images that permanently etch something into our subconscious so powerfully that we could never forget.

It was an early morning sunrise, beautiful pink and orange hues stretched across the sky. The beginning of something new. At the time I didn’t realize what that new chapter in my life would contain.

Maybe I did get my fresh start after all, it just wasn’t the one I was hoping for. All things happen for a reason. I truly believe that. I no longer have pain over that lost friendship, I now look back fondly at all of the moments and memories shared.

Regardless of our interpretation, or our current perspective there’s always something greater on the horizon. Sometimes we’re just too focused on the here and now to see it.

So four years later I look back, and this time I no longer regret.

On The River In Which I Am Surrounded

I’ve had so many thoughts today, but I’m not sure that I’m ready to share. So many words written down on paper, yet none of them willing to leave their safe place on the page. They remain tucked safely in my mind.

When the world feels like it’s swirling around you in one big, glorious spiral of disillusionment, do you choose to give in, or just let go?

I haven’t decided yet.

My thoughts are so organized, so chaotic. One steady stream of a fluctuating river that is always changing course, but with the same intensity and direction it was originally destined for. All the same water, yet every bit of it different.

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I feel like I’m lost somewhere in between. It’s so crystal clear and perfectly obvious, yet so incredibly difficult to grasp a single concept or idea long enough for it to make a difference.

This is what sleep deprivation will do, I suppose. I can’t say that I entirely mind; it’s been interesting. So many thoughts, so many realizations, so much peace. Yet I feel as though I’m forgetting something, not measuring up to something that I should be, not doing what I should be. I just can’t quite figure it out.

Then there’s the items on my grocery shopping list that I mustn’t forget. But oh what a drudge to have to leave the peace and solitude of my home.

Thankfully, it is warm and safe, and I can snuggle in for the night, letting all my cares drift away on the river in which I am fully enclosed.

Overlooked

So often I will feel overlooked. I tend to be quiet and sit on the edge of a crowd or group. I don’t say much, I just watch, observing everything that’s going on around me.

Then I have moments that I try to branch out and do something, often something online, and I just feel like no one pays any attention.

This blog is different, I’m writing it mostly for myself, as selfish as that sounds. A few other things I’m working on are in the hopes of having a positive impact on others.

I so badly want to be able to help, but come up feeling less-than because no one pays attention. How can I help others if I can’t manage to catch their attention? Then I start berating myself.

The image above was a good reminder to keep going, to keep trying, even if I feel overlooked by others.

God has a plan and purpose for each and every one of us. If we allow the shadows of others loom over us, feeling like we’re so much in the dark that no one could ever notice us, then we’re missing out and making the world miss out on some wonderful things that we have to offer.

Isn’t that where persistence comes in? We have to keep on trying, and we have to be able to be ourselves, even if we think that no one else is seeing it. Because we never know who might be watching. Even if no one else is, don’t we deserve to be our best selves? After all, we have to be around us all the time. Let’s make it the best that we possibly can.